Uncertainty

Life is full of so much uncertainty. That is a huge frustration to a control freak like me. I know that living in the present is the healthiest place to be and that looking back is not productive but how do you keep from looking forward? I am such a planner! I want my ducks in a row. I am never more out of my element than when I don't know what's around the corner.

But that desire is futile. Just when you have plans made and you think you know what's next, something comes along to throw you off course. That happened to me and a friend last week. We had definite plans and were blissfully headed to our destination when all of a sudden, our plans were thwarted...in a BIG way. It was what some would consider a minor accident, but its impact was deep. The car had very little damage (less than $300 probably) but we experienced a great emotional wound.

It was one of those experiences that really make you think about how short life is. And in a way, it sort of squelched any desire I had for that crystal ball. If I know how many accidents are around the corner, I will begin to fear what's next. I don't want to live in fear. It also shook me into realizing that in a way, I already live in fear. I stay with what's comfortable because it seems to be a sure thing even if it might not be what I really want. I don't step outside my box because I'm afraid of the unknown or what people might think. It's time for me to quit faking it. Fake it til you make it = dysfunction. Authenticity is where it's at. I can't pretend anymore. I'm not good at it. It's time to be real and maybe through that, I will heal.

I have been a people pleaser and through that I've pleased everyone but myself. I have always thought myself a fairly transparent person, but perhaps I haven't been as "open book" as I thought. I was taught that when you aren't feeling that way you want, act as if you do and then the feeling will eventually come back. Yeah- notsomuch. Instead I've given out a false sense of security. And now that I'm beginning to be honest with myself and others, I'm beginning to show a little bit of the ugly. It's like exposing the stretch marks on my hips.... very uncomfortable and fear invoking. I know they're ugly and would rather hide them. Same with some of my truthful emotions. Thing is, I have to accept them for what they are and understand they are not what make me who I am. They are merely surface flaws. The best parts of me are what sparkle and shine and when those are in full display, nobody notices the stretch marks or the ugly truthful emotions. And even if they do, it is those very people who see right past them and love me anyway.

So for now, I'm ok with uncertainty.... sort of. I just pray for peace to get me through it.