Maturity.

The first 20 years of my life was spent growing from a child into an adult. The next 20 years has been spent learning how to be an adult. Now that I've almost got that down, I really don't want to waste the last half of my life in a state of dissatisfaction. I find myself looking at life as it is and trying to fight off a sense of dissappointment. I have no reason to feel this way....do I? And if no reason exists, then why is this feeling so strong?

I know exactly what I want.

At what point is living by faith jumping off and doing what your heart says and at what point is living by faith doing what your brain says? Who is driving that faith? And what part of it is simply being grounded by fear? I won't simply accept the standard Sunday School answers for my life. I don't accept all parts of the Bible as literal. There is too much that has already been adapted through the years to simply say that the meaning has never changed or isn't constantly changing. I don't believe God works that way....

Those who know me the best tell me exactly what I DON'T want to hear. They have my best interest at heart. I know they care a great deal. But it still stings a little when it comes out. It hurts.... And that is when I cry.

The lump in the pit of my stomach is back. That is a pretty solid indicator that there is no peace in this.

I am ultimately the author of my life. God is there if I seek Him. I feel like I'm seeking Him daily, hourly even. He's telling me right now that life can't be easy - that I've coasted way too long and now I have difficult decisions ahead. He won't tell me how to make them however. And that makes me angry. I'm incredibly angry. I feel abandoned. Just when I need Him most, He will not guide me.

I just want to feel peace. There is only one place I feel that now and that place is off limits. I am being disciplined...grounded like a teenager. and all I want is what has been taken away. Being an adult is overrated for sure. If maturity is our goal, then maybe I'm not as goal oriented as I once thought. I'll take childlike faith any day.