Commitment

I've decided I'm not good at commitment.  The going gets tough and the tough get going.  Get going as in they leave or as in they get super committed?  I think most people would say that means the tough get busy, get motivated, get active.  I want to be that kind of tough.

But I'm tough in other ways....  some not so mighty.  I hate to admit this, but I'm the tuck your tail in and run type of girl.  Or I'm the spout off and fight but then pull away type of girl.  I can go all "Billy Badass" on you but then I turn my back.  I'm a quitter.

I can't even follow through for Lent.  I haven't been observing lent very long (maybe 5 years) but I haven't been consistent with my vow any of those years - and Lent is a fairly short commitment.

Every broken promise, every failure to succeed, every non-fulfillment I can explain away or justify.  Everything I've done or not done seems to make sense.  I think most would agree with the choices I've made.  However, just because something is reasonable does not mean it's right.

There's only one thing I know I have not ever quit.  That is love.

Love and commitment go hand in hand wouldn't you think?  Superficially yes.  But love is deeper than that.  Love does what's best for all involved, even if it means breaking a commitment.  Commitment can become a burden.  Love bears all burdens you say?  Yes it does but part of bearing burdens is alleviating them.

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone.  I'm writing because of my inner conflict.  I'm writing because I'm disappointed in my lack of commitment.  I'm writing because times are tough again and I don't know what to do.  I want to tuck my tail in and run and I've already spouted off and pulled away.  Where is my commitment?

Are we only committed as deep as our desires run?  Successful commitments are tied to our will.  We see something positive in the outcome.  We abandon commitment when it becomes clear that the outcome will not be good.  But we also quit because it gets too hard or we get distracted.   I saw a positive outcome when I committed but it's getting tough and the outcome has become sketchy.  It's time to either make it, or break it.

So what to do?  The only thing I can think of is to fall back on the one thing I've never given up on.  I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's the only answer I have.

From the Message:
Trust steadily in God * Hope Unswervingly * Love extravagantly   (1 Corinthians 13:13)

One of those days......

I'm sick.  I've been sick for over 25 years.  You wouldn't know it by looking at me and you likely wouldn't even know it had you known me for years - unless I told you.  I don't dwell on it and I don't talk about it very often.  I mostly try to ignore it.  But sometimes, I just can't.

Today, I'm having a pity party.  I do that once in awhile.  It's how I cope.  My nature is to be optimistic but in order to be that way, I must allow myself days to be melancholy.

My illness is comprised of 3 autoimmune diseases.  Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of arthritis that affects the spine and hip joints), Psoriatic Arthritis (an inflammatory condition that can involve all my joints but also includes yucky flaky skin patches that don't want to heal) and lastly, fibromyalgia (which I am still in denial about but supposedly involves trigger points, muscle aches, brain fog, and other weird maladies).

I am coming off a rather rough time physically but have felt good for the last 2-3 weeks.  That's just the nature of autoimmune diseases.  You have really bad flares alternating with days of normalcy.  The bad thing is they are completely unpredictable.   I might feel good today and unable to move tomorrow.  Sometimes I can anticipate when I might feel bad, such as when the weather is changing.  Yes, I can feel it in my bones - literally.

I pretty much have some pain daily.  I can keep it under control with medication but sometimes medication quits working and I have to try something new.  There are side effects with everything.  I've taken pills every day of my life since I was 16 years old.  I have been on an IV treatment for 7 years and have just recently had to increase it from every 8 weeks to every 6 weeks because it has lost effectiveness.  The treatment is approximately $5,000 every time I go.  I'm very thankful for my health insurance!

I'm now 42 - an age when most adults start having normal aches and pains.  My aches and pains have been "normal" for over 25 years.  I now face the affects of aging along with the aches and pains and sometimes worry about what life will be like in 10, 20, 30 years.  Will I be completely disabled at some point?  It's likely.   Can I accept that?  Maybe someday I will but not now.  I intend to fight it as long as I can.

The hardest thing for me is not really the pain I deal with or the medications I have to take, it's more the comparison habits I have.  I tend to look at other 40 something women and wonder why I can't be more like them, have their energy levels, run 5 miles, be super mom, or wear size 8 jeans. In that way, I suppose I'm no more different than any other woman.  We all have our struggles and we all play that stupid comparison game.  We tend to forget that God made us just like we are for a reason.

Will I ever understand the reason I have autoimmune diseases?  No, not likely.  I understand that it is partly due to my genetic make-up.  I understand the scientific explanations.  I even understand how it likely started or happened.  But the why of it - why I got it and my brother didn't, why I have it but didn't pass it on to my children (praise God for that!), why I know others who have it worse than I do.....those are questions for which I will never have answers.

But this I do know:  God is with me, always.  He sometimes shelters me from pain, He comforts me on pity party days, and He will stay with me even at my worst.  He has helped me overcome the times that would otherwise be unbearable.  My body may fail me but He never will.

And perhaps, that is at least part of my answer.  If there's one resounding lesson I've learned in life it's that we sometimes have to be brought to that place where we have absolutely nothing or nobody to depend on to truly understand what it means to depend on God.  Today is one of those days. 

Where your treasure is…...

It's interesting to me that there are two identical verses in the Bible.  Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  I'm not sure of the theology behind this but I'm interested in finding out more.

Coincidentally, it is also the theme of our day 6 Lenten study.

Bonhoeffer states that we are to use the goods given to us by God and not store them away.  He maintains that the heart clings to collected treasures and can come between us and God.  He uses the example of manna given to the Israelites and how when stored, it spoiled and likens that to our stored possessions in that they spoil our relationship with God.  I have to admit, that's a tough one for me.

But exactly where is my heart? Or more importantly, what do I treasure?

When I think about truly living day to day, trusting God each and every day to supply my needs, it is completely beyond my imagination.  What would that look like?  And if I'm not storing up treasure, that would mean not owning a home, a car, household goods - anything!  It would also mean no savings account, no IRA, no 401K, no thought of retirement EVER.  There would be no canned goods, no refrigerator, no freezer!  No closets!  Wha…..?  Can you imagine life with no closets?

Complete dependence on God.  Utter humility.  Genuine appreciation when needs are provided.  Honesty and openness with self and others.  Sharing, community, unfathomable faith.  Childlike trust. Zero sense of entitlement. Those are things that come without possession.

Obviously, there has to be a happy medium here, but when do you know when you have just enough?

It's not only possession that comes between us and God.  Other people do.  Our schedules do.  Our work does.  Even church can!

I'm not sure I'll ever master this heart/treasure thing but I do know this.  When I quit making time to listen or talk with God, something is out of balance.  Generally it's not "stuff" for me - I'm not overly attached to my house, cars, clothes or furniture (ok, well maybe some furniture) but I mostly want to fill my time with people.  Those I can see, hear, touch and smell……  I let my desire to be with people distract me from God - I put my trust in people, get my comfort from people, give my heart to people.

So I treasure relationships, that is where my heart is.  Doesn't sound so bad and isn't a bad thing generally speaking……   as long as I treasure God first.  He created my heart, why not let my treasure reside with Him?  Who better to guard it?  The only one who can and has given me the same in return.  For we are God's treasure and also where His heart remains.

For Me?

My church is doing a study for Lent - 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  The devotional part is quick and easy - just a paragraph to read, a Bible verse and a Psalm typically.  However there are thought provoking questions and journaling suggestions at the end of each day's reading.   I'd like to say I will journal each day of Lent, but I've already missed that goal.

The last two days of reading have had heavy emphasis on prayer.  I have felt for some time that my prayer life was lacking.  Perhaps it is because I wait until the end of the day to attempt prayer and before I finish, I'm almost always asleep.  The author here encourages prayer to be a morning ritual, gives the example of Christ praying first thing in the morning and goes as far as to say that morning prayer is "decisive for the day".  He says it helps with the ordering and scheduling of our day.  I must admit that intrigues me!  I'm most often running about with no idea what's next and that means neglect of thing that I need to get done.  But when I read prayer is "decisive for the day" I also see it as seeking God first - it's a choice, a decision we make - to pray.  If we decide to consult with God first, it only makes sense that our decisions throughout the day should also have God in mind.

Bonhoeffer also says that we are to read the word of God as God's word for us, individually - not consulting others regarding what scripture says to them, but reading each passage as if it were written strictly for ourselves, talking with God about our interpretation and not doubting that is the message God meant just for us.  I guess that is the mystery of God, the mystery of the Bible.  That it CAN mean different things to different people yet still be relevant in our lives.  Just because we believe the Bible is divinely inspired by God does not mean that it has to be a literal, black & white translation!  Who could we really trust to provide that translation if that were the case?

I will go out on a limb and say that in reading scripture, we can safely declare that an area where we are allowed to be a bit ego-centric.  As for my personal relationship with God, His word is really ALL ABOUT ME!  I gotta admit, I kinda like that!  I've always had this sort of fantasy in the back of my mind that some day, some man would have written a volume of love letters to me or kept a journal about me or something else poetic and lovely that I would come across.  Dreams DO come true because it was all written thousands of years ago  - and really, JUST FOR ME.  And you have one too!  You have your own book of love letters from that guy.....  that guy who loves you like no other.   It's pretty great to realize that happily ever after is not a myth, it just comes in different form than we are humanly taught.

And that's kind of what Lent really is.  It's a 40 day discovery of all the ways God loves us.  Enjoy your journey!

The Big Easy

I'm a big fan of easy.  I'm always looking for the easy way to cook, clean, fix things, etc.  Most of the time, I can even make life easy.   Easy is always available.  You have a task at hand that looks difficult, walk into Lowe's or Target or Walmart and you're likely to find a product that will make it easier for you.  Even if there is not a product, if you think long and hard, often you can find an easier way to get things done.

But today I wonder, just what are we sacrificing by making things so dang easy all the time?

How do you feel after you've done something easy?  Does it make a lasting impression?

Now - think about how you feel after accomplishing difficult tasks?  What are the things we remember most?  The easy things or the really difficult ones?

Today begins Lent.  To me, it is a time to refocus on Christ and gift of His sacrifice.  Some give up things that distract them from Christ.  Some add in things that will draw them closer to Him.  Some just ignore it of course……..   easy.  Easy to ignore it.  Easy to give up something that was not significant or add in something that you needed to do anyway.  I would venture to say most make it easy.  But my challenge this year is to actually embrace the difficult.  I have decided on something difficult to omit from my life but I'm also adding in something that will be hard to make time for.  I need this time to be meaningful.  I don't want it to be easy.  The easy things fade away.  I want to remember this year as a time that I began to see value in those things that are difficult.

So what are we to do when we are tempted to go back to the easy?

What do we do when we want to give up?

What do we do when we don't know which direction is best?

What do we do when our self will seems to outweigh God's will?

We pray.  And we wait.  And we listen…….  Not easy things to do.  But God WILL answer.  Is He easy to seek, easy to wait for or easy to hear?  No way.  God is not easy.  He may not even give you an easy answer.  But He will give you the BEST answer.  God wants His best for us.  When we look at what we quantify as "best" in our lives, they were most likely things that did not come easy.  To earn "best" status, someone had to work for it.  First place comes after years of hard work and practice.  The same is true spiritually.

Someone very important to me once asked, "What, of value, ever comes easy?" - and what he may not know is that was actually an answer from God.  Nothing, of value, comes easy.  A life worth living can't be easy because easy things have very little value in our lives.  Our effort, our struggles, our mistakes, our heartaches, our sacrifices - those are what makes life valuable; those are what make a difference and mold us into God's best.

Writing - healthy habit or unnecessary evil?

I continue to let this go - this writing that I used to be so passionate about.  It was a form of therapy to me at one time; an outlet for undefined emotion - a way to work out my thoughts and give words to my feelings.

What I've noticed since I quit writing regularly is that I find it increasingly difficult to communicate effectively.  I was very in tune with my thoughts and feelings two years ago and I now have a hard time   processing emotion.  The only blame I can put to that is that I no longer have time to stop and just *feel*.  It's go, go, go which makes time for writing a luxury for which I have no budget.  Sometimes sleep is just more important than thought…….

Or is it?  What causes sleep to take precedence over other healthy habits?  Depression, health issues, or just pure avoidance?  Am I afraid of what I might encounter if I just sit down to process it a bit?  Am I just so stubborn that I don't want to confront the negative feelings that might be surfacing?

Possibly it has nothing to do with anything negative at all.  When I quit writing, it was when I was incredibly happy.  My best blogging took place when I was unhappy and when life began happening the way I wanted, it was all too easy to quit writing.  Who wants to hear about pure bliss anyway?

But why must I limit myself?  Lent is upon us and we will be doing an interesting study at church throughout the season.  The study provides journaling/blogging opportunities and I'm kind of excited about that.  I want to make time for this again.  Instead of giving something up, I'll be adding this in.  Adding something has always worked better for me than giving something up.

So - let's see.  I'm going to be blogging away, but I'm not sure how personal this will get.  I'm still very cautious what I put out there for all the world to see.  Some of it I will post, some of it I won't.  But I will be back in the game - the game of knowing who I am, what I feel and how to process all that.

Life is rough.  Might as well leave a record of our struggles.  At the very least, someone somewhere will know they are not alone by reading a blog that some random individual was bold enough to put out there.  For now, it's late and the need for sleep is trumping my need to vent, or think, or process.

Of all the ways we are loved….

God loves in so many weird ways.

Just when we are ready to give up, He often works on the hearts of those we love.

Turns out, I have not lost in love yet again but could be possibly be working on the greatest (albeit most complicated) love story of all time.

What, of value, comes easy in life?

I can't turn my back until all hope is dashed.  I thought hope was gone last week.  I was wrong.

There is hope.  There is faith (more than I knew).  AND there is LOVE.  Not just between two people but from the God who cares for them.

Luke 12:27 - Consider the lilies…..