The Rescue

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I saw this verse in passing a couple of days ago and book marked it.  I felt it needed some thought and I have had such a busy week, I haven't had time for spare thoughts.  This morning, however, I was finally able to sit down and go through my email - looking back at those I had saved for more consideration.  This verse was in one of those emails and it really spoke to me.

I spent a great many months.... no actually many YEARS in an internal battle over marital issues.  My emotions have run the gamut from sadness to anger to heartbreak and I'm sure the fallout is not ever really over.  However, the battle is.  I'm not even going to proclaim victory from that battle because in conflicts of that nature, no one is ever victorious.  But I do believe that there was purpose in that.  I'm not at all saying God caused it - quite the contrary.  However, God USED it. God used that battle (which was a consequence of human choices) to teach me so many valuable lessons and cleanse me emotionally.  I've used this quote before but it is so meaningful to me:  "God does not always calm the storm.  Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

Today I have experienced the calm after the storm and now the sun has come out!  I know others that are in similar circumstances but in different stages and I ache for them.  However, I've come far enough to know that those struggles are necessary and I hope that somehow the blessings I've been given lately can be an example to those still suffering that God is faithful and will provide if only we will trust him.  There were a few who encouraged me during my stormy days and those who offered the most hope to me were the ones who also had a relationship with Christ.  They offered credibility whereas my secular friends gave even more uncertainty.  I'm not sure how one truly gets out of the storm without a rescue.    My rescue was from Christ but came in the form of friends and family who cared.  I see His handiwork not just in the storm but in the rescue itself - through this I see that somehow He has equipped me to be part of His rescue team as well.

I'll never know when my new skills will come in handy, but for now I get to carry the comfort and confidence of having lived through the storm only to see brighter days ahead.  When life brings me down, all I have to do is remind myself just what I've been through and how it turned out just fine in the end.  This is part of practicing faith.  I've learned that practice does not actually ever make perfect.  We are always subject to errors and flaws.  However, practice DOES make progress and I'm thankful to see the evidence of progress in my life.  I plan to keep practicing because with each new day, I get a little bit stronger and that's really what its all about anyway.  

One of my storm crew had this to say to me once and I couldn't help but take it to heart.  He was in the midst of his own storm at the time but knew exactly what to do.  

"I've walked with God through enough yesterdays to trust Him with all my tomorrows" ~D. Moore

God has this!  He's got us in His palm.  Sometimes that's all we need to know.

Beyond words

This post is actually one that I started last month but just couldn't finish.  I had so many overwhelming thoughts on the subject that I could not process them all.  I just had to let them marinate awhile.  These thoughts have not left me but intensified in the last few weeks.  The question I keep asking - What did I do to deserve this?

However the context of that question is far different from the context in which most people ask it.  This time, there is a positive spin.  Most people ask this question when things are bad but in my situation, things are incredibly good - better than I could have asked, better than I even hoped for.

Why would God bless me this much and why now? 

My answer came today in Ann Voskamp's blog.  Her realization of God's grace hit a target area in my heart.  " Sometimes the proof that God exists is that lightning doesn’t strike but quiet grace rains straight down."  I've always understood that God loves me but sometimes I think He chooses to show us in ways that we least expect.    In Ann's blog she describes a struggle that her friend was facing in accepting God's grace.  She questioned - "why does God strangely bless us when we’re half-estranged from him?" I am not estranged from God - quite the opposite; but I'm also not as close as I thought I should be in order to experience His love like I have over the past few weeks.

For the last year, I've felt that God was asking me to fall in love with Him before He would show me the type of love I was seeking with another.  Falling in love with God is one of those things that is much easier said than done.  Maybe it's that I confused the emotional aspect of love with the action form of love yet again.  This has been a struggle for me all my life: that Prince Charming theology that so many little girls buy into.Who doesn't want happily ever after?  And maybe I didn't truly feel the emotion that I was looking for when I was loving God.  Let's face it - love is not always easy.  It is a choice.  And maybe that's exactly what I did right this time.  I chose it.  I chose to love God - even when I didn't feel it.  I sought Him and I listened when He spoke and I looked for all the ways He loves me and found them - even when my heart was broken, even when it ached beyond what I thought I could bear.

So what did I do to deserve the happiness I feel now?  Absolutely nothing.  Nothing that I can do is worthy of the way God is blessing me at this time in my life - not even the fact that I sought Him when it was incredibly difficult - when it would have been easier to hate Him.  But this is exactly why His blessings are true gifts.  They are not deserved - not ever.  But they are one way God proves to us that He is present and that He hears our cries.

Ann also acknowledges - "Sometimes it’s incomprehensible grace that shakes you awake."  If I've ever been awake and aware of God's presence in my life, it's now.  The only reason I can say that is because of His grace and His hand in what's happening in my heart.

Lastly I want to share song lyrics that Ann's son shared with her during his illness with pneumonia - "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." What an incredible kid to think of a song like that at a time when he was suffering!

But how incredibly true that is - I'm falling, and sinking very fast, very deep in a sea of grace.  Words can't express my gratitude and perhaps that's why I couldn't even express this in my blog.  Words elude me when emotion is extreme but that's not a bad thing.   I may not be writing as often but that's only because I'm taking in grace - swimming in it - soaking it in - basking in His love while the emotion is alive and well so that I never forget and never repeat old patterns or mistakes.  I like to give credit where credit is due and that goes to my Heavenly Father who loves me and loves you.  All I can hope is that someone who may be seeing dark days can look at me and know that there is hope and that God wants to bless them too and hold on to that hope even when life seems empty.  In our weakest days we can hold on to this:

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in His power, the weak become strong
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect (Stephen Curtis Chapman)

And always remember: 
God’s mercies are new every morning — not as an obligation to you, but as an affirmation of you. (Ann Voskamp)

Open Heart Surgery.

When God speaks, I listen......   most of the time.  But when God speaks in the middle of the night and won't let me go back to sleep - - I blog.

I often wish that we could see the meaning behind the trials in our lives as we go through them.  I think it would make them easier to bear.  However, I've discovered that it is usually only in hindsight that we see how God was working.  Tonight, it occurred to me that perhaps that is because we could not have the proper appreciation for His handiwork if we knew up front what He was doing.  But I also wonder if it is human free will that prohibits our own understanding of our situation.  I mean, how can God reveal to us what is happening when our lives revolve around someone else's choices.  Yes - He knows what choice will be made but He also has to work around that choice - and perhaps He chooses to bless us more when we've been hurt and dejected because of the poor decisions of others and our own abuse of free will.

I'm going to go all sappy, romantic here so if you don't like that kind of thing, quit reading now.

There is no better feeling on earth to have a heart full of love to give along with a recipient to receive it and reciprocate it.  The excitement of finding "the one" comes with a fullness and joy that's difficult to describe.  Life becomes full of hope and anticipation of a wonderful life ahead.

But is that reality?  or falsehood?  Perhaps a little of both I believe.

You see.... I've been in that state before.  It worked but only for awhile. Life got in the way. Hopes and dreams turned into fear and regret.  It didn't matter how fully I gave my heart away -  that gift became just another item on the shelf.  Dusty and dull....  lifeless..... lonely.... forgotten.  And that's when the lack of care caused the heart to decay and harden.  Perhaps it was the recipient's fault, perhaps it was the heart's own fault or, more likely, it was a combination of the two.

I've been over the reasons why way too many times over the last year and a half.  Tonight I'm laying that to rest.  There is really only one reason and it's important that I see it now.

The reason I failed is because I entrusted my heart to a man FIRST and to God second (or honestly not even second.....  I would imagine God was way down on the list after other humans, things, or activities)  When I was finally able to retrieve my decaying, hardened heart, I had no idea what could be done with it.  I only knew that *I* could not  revive it.  Perhaps another man could?  Perhaps I didn't even need the heart?  Perhaps it was not worth saving.

So my trial and error way of life began to reveal that the answer to all those questions was a very definite NO.  I began to realize that there was only One who was deserving of my heart.  But how could I give such a broken down, dusty, dirty, ugly part of me to the One who made me?  How could I show Him that I had neglected my own heart as much as the man whom I'd entrusted it to?  My maker.... who is the only One who deserved my heart when it was healthy and whom I did not give it to - was actually the only One who wanted it now that it was deformed.  So I trusted.  I returned my heart to Him.  He took it and treasured it and kept it safe.  During that time, it was cleansed and freshened.  It was revitalized to vibrancy and returned to the same softness of its youth.  Total restoration - totally undeserved - out of total grace and mercy.

But then God did the unexpected. He gave me my heart back.  I am incredibly humbled by this gift. Because I trusted Him, He in turn has deemed me worthy of possessing HIS most treasured possession.  When I examine the heart He returned, it clearly has His name on it.  He has engraved His name upon my heart.  With His name also came a promise.  That if I learned how to love Him, MORE than I loved any man - He would bless me beyond what I could ever imagine. 

Why would God give my heart back?  Why wouldn't He keep it?  I believe because He wants me to see His handiwork and open up my heart to be shared again.  This time when I share it - it will not simply be given away.  No, this time my open heart will be merged with another open heart - mended by God - meant to be shared.  This time - two hearts - that have the handiwork of God engraved on them  will then be given back to the only One worthy of such a gift. Because we have free will, He can't impose the joining of two hearts but He can match them up.  It's only when those two hearts trust that this intricate combination can occur.  Only God can make them into one and only God can keep them whole.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things He planned long ago.

In the Moment

The virus of distraction is cured by the art of subtraction. ~Ann Voskamp

I had to read the quote above several times.  I have been what I thought was "distracted" lately.  I have had my thoughts elsewhere and have had to really focus the last couple of weeks just to get my daily activities done in a sufficient manner.  But I realized after reading this quote a few times that I wasn't really distracted - I was just overwhelmed.

As I began to take out variables that would crop up in my mind.... the what ifs and the if onlys - I began to see a little more clearly.  When something mind blowing happens that you never expected, its normal to have your mind flood with  all kinds of scenarios and situations that may or may not be reality.  This is what causes the real distraction.  I think its normal for that to happen especially when the event defies all logic.

However, if you can just step outside your overactive mind for just a bit and see just what is before you - in that moment - without looking back or too far forward - that is when you see exactly what God wants you to see.  It's in those moments - when all the other worldly stuff is blocked out  - that you begin to see the gift of His goodness.  You see just what He has been wanting for you.  If you can just be present - in that moment and that moment only - life becomes clear, confusion fades and your heart is free to sing and dream and imagine.  

It sounds magical, doesn't it?  It is, in a way - magical and mystical.  However it is also one of the only places that an individual can be real.  In the moment is when you take away the regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow.  It's where a person can be pure again - unadulterated by the stresses of our daily routine, unscathed by our sins, and unmarred by our dysfunctional relationships.  It is where we are simply who we are, who we need to be and who we once were all at the same time.

The only thing better is to share this with someone else.  Be present.  Be real.  Be in the moment with that other person while they are in the moment with you.  It's also one of the greatest gifts you can give or get.  I can't think of anything more valuable.  It is true, unconditional acceptance at a certain space in time - for that moment and hopefully more to come.

So I battle distraction from time to time - who doesn't?  It's all in knowing when to take away the past or future concerns that nag us and just be present and grateful and calm.  Perhaps we can't live entirely in this realm, but we can visit and it's those times that we visit that we become renewed and refreshed and all the more thankful for what our lives are instead of worrying about what they are not.  It's where the foundation for contentment begins and the angst of uncertainty is abolished.  To have found this place is above my greatest blessing and beyond my wildest dream.  It is where I see God smile.

Turning "Happily Ever After" into Reality

What girl doesn't grow up listening to fairy tales and wondering if some day her prince will come?  How many women grew up and believed they found their prince only to discover he was a frog in disguise?  Perhaps those same women even knew in their heads that "Happily Ever After" was only for fairy tales but still had hope or expectation that it could exist in reality.  Why in the world do so many of us still long for that fairy tale ending and is it possibly obtainable?

I dismissed the idea of a "Happily Ever After" quite some time ago.  For a long while, I just tried to accept it and enjoy the things I had been blessed with anyway.  However - something in my soul longed for more.  The longing nagged at me long enough until I found the courage to make some pretty excruciating life changes.  Through this time, I learned many valuable lessons and began to feel a peace I had not known.  I attribute this to spiritual growth and appreciation for my place in life - an acceptance of all my circumstances - good and bad - with the belief that even the bad things had molded me into the person God wants me to be.  I truly believe His will is done whether we comply with it or not.  If I refuse to let Him use me, He will still accomplish what He desires.  I am insignificant in that respect.......  However, he WANTS to use me.  He pursues ME.  And He longs for ME!  He is complete - with or without me.

I also began to see that because I have an intimate relationship with God that I am complete.  No longer am I half the woman or invisible or insignificant or secondary to anything or anyone.  Those are feelings that have past.  I may not be perfect, thank goodness for that - but I am who God made me and He made me this way for reasons unknown but reasons that will be revealed on an as needed basis.  Even my flaws can be used for His good and even if I never know how.

So then what happens when one finally gets to her place of Utopia?  What happens when contentment sets in and complacency is abolished?  Just when life is good - life gets better.  Is it possible that when we finally quit asking and learn to appreciate all we have that God decides to bless us even more?

I am in a state of disbelief at this point - awestruck at what has been given to me and at the same time fearful that it is not real or that it is temporary.  Feeling painfully inadequate in relation to this gift and humbled by the responsibility that comes with it.  What God has entrusted to me is precious and must be protected but at the same time I'm bursting with excitement and desire to share it!  But....  there are no words.  No way to describe it.  No method to demonstrate it.  No pictures to portray it.   Yet, there is hope.  Hope I haven't known in a long time.  Belief that I never knew could be restored.  Passion that I had no idea could be ignited.

So I'm beginning to re-think the so called myth of "Happily Ever After" even if I'm still a realist at heart.  Contentment is a good starting point but I think that perhaps God chooses go beyond what we find fulfilling and give us even more.  We all have the things we dream about but He has ways to enhance those dreams.  Life can be even better than our dreams and I think that is becoming my new reality.

New Every Morning

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

  Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
 They are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness    ~Lamentations 3:21-23

Is the risk worth the reward?

Sometimes you just know in your gut what the answer is and yet you struggle with having the courage to act on that answer.  That was my life for a long while.  It's a miserable place to be.....  trying to decide between what is safe or known and what could be.  Trying to really decifer what is God's will and what is your own.  God's will does not usually come in a nice, neat little package.  But God's will happens whether we are on board or not.

The thing is, being on board with God can be hard work!  The journey is not a straight and narrow path.  It is a rough terrain - full of highs and lows with rocks to climb and streams to cross.  But the places to which He leads are the ones which take your breath away!

I've been on this long road of rough terrain for quite some time now and I'm coming off a short rest period.  I think God knew I was exhausted and let me just be still for awhile.  Lately however, He's been reminding me that my journey is not over.  He has picked me up, dusted me off and taken me around a corner to one of the most breathtaking views I have ever seen.  Had I known this awe-inspiring turn was just around the corner, I might not have grown so weary!  But God knew and He knew the right time for me to see it.  He knew what I needed to keep going and He has provided the hope I have been pursuing.  His compassion is never-ending but His wisdom surpasses our understanding.  Just when we think we know the direction we are going, He turns us around to see a better way.

Paula Rinehart summed it up for me in my devotional this morning:
If your life worked out the way you think you want -- or if you could just pretend that doesn't matter -- it would all be easier.  You might cruise into the sunset.  But honestly, you'd miss out on a real journey with God.  And you'd walk right past wonderful.

What if I had walked past wonderful?   The journey would never have been the same.  I am now seeing things I never imagined possible, dreaming things I never knew I could dream and realizing potential I never knew existed.  That is hope.....  and I forgot what hope felt like.  Great is Thy Faithfulness.


Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!Great is Thy faithfulness!
  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
   Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

How's That Working For Ya?

So I came across a cool saying this week:  "I do not fail.  I succeed in finding out what does not work."

Let me just say I have been very successful lately.

Admittedly, I have let some things have priority in my life that do not deserve priority status.  Not that they aren't important things.......  I just need to place the MOST IMPORTANT back in His place.  Because quite honestly, when I'm not focused on God, life just doesn't work.

Why doesn't that sink in?

There are so many alluring things this world has to offer.  They look all sexy and delicious and FUN!  And to a degree - they ARE.  However, after a few rounds, the sexy wears off, the initial deliciousness has a bad aftertaste and the fun just fades away.  Then what's left?

A few tears maybe.

There are also things not so alluring that get in our way.  Our "responsibilities" consume our time.  I put that in quotes because they are often not so necessary.  We let them overcome us and rule over our schedules.  Job, housework, exercise, kids tend to have first place in our agendas and that's reasonable.  But just because something is reasonable, does not make it right.  All of those things can have too much emphasis - and they have for me lately (well, not the housework part).  I look back on my week and ask.....what's left?

A few moments of insanity?

I will also even venture to say that church can get in the way.  We get so wrapped up in the routine and the ritualism of it that we sometimes miss the point.  We attend, we serve, we contribute.  We do all the churchy things that we think we are supposed to do - but we forget to look at our hearts and the intent behind it all.... and mutter to ourselves - what's left?

Times of confusion, lack of vision, apathy.

All of it leads down a path that just isn't working for me.  I'm overwhelmed emotionally, underwhelmed intellectually and overstimulated socially.  Why?  There's only one reason I can think of......  I haven't had my daily dose of wisdom.  I've let my diet of scripture be replaced with internet trash.  I've been talking more to people than to God.  I've been listening to my own will more than the Holy Spirit.

Knowing how to fix it is only half the battle however.  Time to start over yet again - good thing my slate is erasable :)

Steep your life in God reality, God initiative, God provisions.  Don't worry about missing out. You'll find your every day human concerns will be met.  ~Matthew 6:33 (The Message)