It's all about me....

I keep thinking of that Carly Simon song - "You're so vain". You know it - sing it with me....You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you - you're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't YOOOOOUUUUU? Who wants to actually admit that? But in all honesty - who isn't vain? I include men in that but my blog is more centered around girls/women. I've been doing alot of introspection lately and considering what effects my thoughts and actions have on my teenage daughter. I, of course, happen to think she is beautiful just the way she is and don't always understand why she worries so much about appearance. However when I look back, I know I was the same way. In fact, my obsession with appearance goes back even further than adolescence.

I remember being teased in first grade for being fat and going home in tears because of it. My mom, who had the best of intentions, took me to Weight Watchers as a solution. While I understand the reasoning behind it, I think it somewhat skewed my self perception for the rest of my life. I think from that time forward, I decided that women have value based on beauty. This is certainly not a unique concept. In fact, I think most little girls are taught this from an early age. I don't want to blame Barbie here, but she certainly isn't plain..... And then there are other little girl activities - playing dress up, playing with make-up, etc.

This struggle of mine became a recurrent theme in my life. I've had various ups and downs with my weight and every time that scale inches up, my self worth plummets. For 12 years, my scale read well over 200 lbs - 237 at my highest and during that time, I felt not only of little worth but completely invisible. Was I vain? Yes. I was just as vain then as I am now only in a different way. I was embarrassed that I had gotten that big and constantly worried about what people thought of me. Am I less vain now that I've lost the weight? Ha! Do I have more confidence? Perhaps. I feel it easier to talk to people but I'm also more approachable. I have no more walls up. I don't feel in danger of being hurt. But still....that nagging little voice in my head reminds me - it's never enough. There is always some body flaw I can find. I never met my real goal weight even though I lost 80 lbs. I keep gaining and losing the last 10. Even if I got my body PERFECT, there would be something about my appearance that I'm ready to change - makeup, hair, etc. Will I ever be completely at ease with who I am? Not by my current standards I won't. My current standards are set by the world. And that's where I've gone astray. Not only have a gone astray in this area, I've led my daughter there.

So now begins the work I should have started on years ago. I've always known my standards are much higher but yet more forgiving than the world. My standards should not be physical. Honestly - what does that matter? Looks matter to this world - yes. I get that. I don't believe I should stop wearing makeup, quit doing my hair or putting effort into what I wear. But I have to take the emphasis off that. It's time to focus on what has substance. I am created by God. He created me the way He wanted me. He does want me to treat my body as a temple but He is more interested in my mind than my body. My body will go to ashes when I'm gone, but my soul will live on and right now my soul needs work. I can beautify my soul by what I allow into my mind. My mind should not be filled with ME - it should be filled with God's word, with God's love, with God's purpose. Once I figure this out, the rest should fall into place.

Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

If anyone should know this, I should. I've lived it. Do I want to be remembered for being beautiful on the outside or beautiful on the inside? The inside is more important and all the while I've been working on the outside, I've let things go on the inside. Ideally a balance of the two would be nice. But I've got to make some major renovation on the inside before I can even begin to try to balance the two out. Hard work ahead - but necessary. Especially with my beautiful teenage daughter watching.

random thoughts on a funeral day.

I attended a funeral today - a Catholic ceremony - so rather lengthy. I also had a 30 minute drive one way to get there. Needless to say, I had plenty of time to think. I didn't know the woman - only her daughter but any time I'm at a funeral I find myself questioning why..... She had battled cancer for quite some time and suffered quite a bit in her last days. In my mind her children are still so young to be without her and her grandchildren may not remember her. I also thought of a family who is struggling right now because the father has lost his job. When I arrived home and checked email, there was a prayer request for a couple whose unborn baby was found to have no heartbeat. So much pain and heartache - and all in the life of others while I remain in the status quo. Not to say I haven't had my share of difficulty. It just pales in comparison to what others seem to go through.

So why does life seem to give some a double whammy of misfortune while others just glide through with very little effort? Why has God blessed me as much as He has while others struggle so hard for very little. I wish I understood. I wish at times, that I could give up some of my abundance to help ease the burden of others. I realize I can do this financially of course, but sometimes it's so very hard to know how to help someone emotionally or physically. It's not really enough to offer your assistance in my opinion because rarely do people ask for what they need. Sometimes it's because they don't even know what they need. I can empathize but really what does that do? I can be there - just like I was at the funeral today and I suppose that is a comfort but it just doesn't seem like enough.

And then - though we think of others, we pray for them, we hurt for them - our lives go on and we get distracted and we forget. We go about our work and our family life and regrettably become too busy to remember those who may still be hurting. We think about how we should send a card, then don't do it. Such a shame. I hope that I can change that about myself. I love my people...... I need to do a better job of showing it.

Messes

I lost my will to blog awhile back and it's really a shame because it is very therapeautic *if* I can find the words to explain my feelings. The *if* part is why I haven't blogged much over the last 6 months. However - I've got to find the words. I've got to purge my system of emotion that builds up or I just might explode. I can feel it bubbling up inside. I have this great need to cry, and I can't even do that. I have hurt inside that goes way deep..... I buried it a long time ago when I should have spewed it out of my soul. It's the words that help me do that and for some reason the words have just not been there for me.

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what I want nor what I should want. I lost myself a long time ago and thought I saw glimpses of her coming back but that was just a tease. She is gone and will not return. Perhaps I should bury her as well. Perhaps I should dig up the hurt and put her in its place and reinvent myself. And then mourn.

The thing about mourning.... It's much easier to do when you have a support system and I must do this type of mourning alone. It has been a 6 month process already and I was really seeing progress and then I just made a big mess of things. It's like I had just completed weeded my flower garden and was beginning to see new buds, when a tornado came through and completely destroyed my effort. The thing is, it wasn't a random disaster that caused it - it was my own doing. I deliberately sabotaged my efforts and the thought of starting over is so daunting that it might just be impossible.

God, the Mother?

Today in church, our pastor compared the love of God to the love of a mother. I've never looked at it that way before. There is so much talk of God the Father and He is usually seen more as a father figure but when you stop and think about it, He definitely has properties of both. For me though, I have a greater understanding of his love when I think of Him as a mother. He is the giver of life and nurtures as as we grow. He is always watching and always right there when we need him or when we get hurt. He carries us when we fall. He knows our needs and wants but yet balances those things with lessons we might need to learn. There's even that control freak side that all mothers have! We may not like it, but God's in charge - just like mom always was! And you know what? I'm thankful for that. Because just like my mom, no matter how much I mess up, God's always there to clean up my messes, pick me back up and put me right back on track.

Today is also Mother's Day. On this day I typically reflect back on times I had with my own mother or grandmothers. Of course, today is no different in that respect but I'm putting more emphasis this year on my own role as a mother. I feel extremely humbled to have been given the amazing experience of motherhood. Not only because my children are the greatest gifts I've ever been given but also because I have learned so much about God by being a mother. Motherhood has given me such a deep understanding of how God cares for me that I don't doubt His love even for a minute. Even when I blatantly disobey His desire for my life, I realize that He's still there and still ready to scoop me up and hold me when I fall. He understands that sometimes the only way I learn is by doing it my way and as much as it pains him while I'm being defiant, He knows that I'll eventually figure out just why it was He gave me that restriction in the first place.

As children and teens, we often feel our parents don't understand us or that their rules are stupid. Then we grow up, make a few mistakes of our own, and decide Mom and Dad weren't so out of touch after all. We realize just how much they loved us and just what sacrifces they made for us. In my Christian walk, I'm still very much a child but I grow a little bit every day. And with each growth spurt I begin to see God much more clearly. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach adulthood but I'm glad that the revelation of God's love becomes more and more apparent with time. So many churches try to scare one into accepting Christ but the key is not scare tactic, it's love. God really does love us just like our mothers love us but on an infinitely deeper level. I'm so glad I belong to a church who loves people to Christ. I'm so glad I have a Mother God. He is the ultimate parent for sure.

Moods and Masterpieces

Dare I post a scathing blog about the the things that set me off today? I think perhaps I'll protect the innocent - well ok - not so innocent but still undeserving causes of my ire. Besides, there's more than one cause of irritation and to describe specifically the way things went down would be pointless. Let's just suffice it to say that I continue to be disappointed when I don't get what I give....

Maybe I'm kidding myself. I feel like a reasonable person that tries my very best to treat people the way I would like to be treated but perhaps my expection that others do the same of unreasonable. One of these days, surely, I will quit having faith in humankind and become a quirky, bitter old woman set in her ways..... OH LORD - I hope not!

We all make mistakes and that's just a fact of life. The goal is to learn from them and believe me, with each one I learn something; some lessons big and painful - others but a fleeting thought. The aim is to just not go there again. Do not make the same mistake. However, how can you be sure? Isn't there always a chance the lesson didn't penetrate deep enough? Isn't there a chance we get distracted and forget what happened before? Well in my case - that's more than true. I'm no machine. I may go there again. I can't promise it will never happen again. I can try, but I'm flawed. Some lessons are way more effective the 2nd time around.....

And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.

Women's Intuition

I have always been in touch with my intuitive notions and rarely ignore them but many times I simply shrug them off with a wait and see attitude. I rarely 'go with my gut' because I tend to doubt that these feelings are valid. And often - when I do 'go with my gut', I doubt the action I've taken, 2nd guess myself and otherwise put myself through misery.

However, sometimes my intuitions are validated. More often than not, I'm dead on accurate. Of course, I'm no prophet but alot of the time my feelings are more than just feelings.... Thing is, I never know whether it's just a feeling or something more. It really gets complicated when my desires conflict. Sometimes it's more hope than true revelation. Sometimes the revelation also turns into desire. It's just something really difficult to trust.

So I'm frustrated right now because I feel like God is trying to tell me something and I'm not getting it. Maybe because I'm confusing hope with reality, maybe because life is too complicated right now, or maybe just because I don't want to listen. Interestingly enough, He has confirmed a few of my suppositions lately so I know I just need to have faith that He will work it all out in His timing - just like He always does. He knows what's best for me and for all of us. For once, perhaps I should sit back and not try to manipulate my life? His will happens whether I like it or not, whether I sense it or not. Too often I just want to skip to the end of the chapter and not experience the details.....

Do you ever sit back and wonder why things happen the way they do? Why certain people come into your life. Why you end up involved in this situation or another. Are those wasteful thoughts? Because - it really doesn't matter, does it? Our lives are the way they are. Maybe there is a reason and maybe not. Thing is, I can't get past the feeling that there is a reason for everything (and that's my gut talking). The confusion lies in whether I should try to figure out the reason or just let myself happen upon it.

(From Myspace blog 1/27/2008)

Melodious lines bring forth exuberant sound
The combinations of rhythm amaze me
Endless are the possibilities for your compositions

Composer of beautiful music, create harmonious sound within me.
Build chords of inspiration to initiate growth in my spirit
And eliminate the disharmony within my soul.

I want to be as a magnificent orchestration, a jubilant aria or peaceful ballad.
As you are my songsmith, my life is your music.
Write your anthem on my heart and sing your melody within my soul.