Messes

I lost my will to blog awhile back and it's really a shame because it is very therapeautic *if* I can find the words to explain my feelings. The *if* part is why I haven't blogged much over the last 6 months. However - I've got to find the words. I've got to purge my system of emotion that builds up or I just might explode. I can feel it bubbling up inside. I have this great need to cry, and I can't even do that. I have hurt inside that goes way deep..... I buried it a long time ago when I should have spewed it out of my soul. It's the words that help me do that and for some reason the words have just not been there for me.

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what I want nor what I should want. I lost myself a long time ago and thought I saw glimpses of her coming back but that was just a tease. She is gone and will not return. Perhaps I should bury her as well. Perhaps I should dig up the hurt and put her in its place and reinvent myself. And then mourn.

The thing about mourning.... It's much easier to do when you have a support system and I must do this type of mourning alone. It has been a 6 month process already and I was really seeing progress and then I just made a big mess of things. It's like I had just completed weeded my flower garden and was beginning to see new buds, when a tornado came through and completely destroyed my effort. The thing is, it wasn't a random disaster that caused it - it was my own doing. I deliberately sabotaged my efforts and the thought of starting over is so daunting that it might just be impossible.

God, the Mother?

Today in church, our pastor compared the love of God to the love of a mother. I've never looked at it that way before. There is so much talk of God the Father and He is usually seen more as a father figure but when you stop and think about it, He definitely has properties of both. For me though, I have a greater understanding of his love when I think of Him as a mother. He is the giver of life and nurtures as as we grow. He is always watching and always right there when we need him or when we get hurt. He carries us when we fall. He knows our needs and wants but yet balances those things with lessons we might need to learn. There's even that control freak side that all mothers have! We may not like it, but God's in charge - just like mom always was! And you know what? I'm thankful for that. Because just like my mom, no matter how much I mess up, God's always there to clean up my messes, pick me back up and put me right back on track.

Today is also Mother's Day. On this day I typically reflect back on times I had with my own mother or grandmothers. Of course, today is no different in that respect but I'm putting more emphasis this year on my own role as a mother. I feel extremely humbled to have been given the amazing experience of motherhood. Not only because my children are the greatest gifts I've ever been given but also because I have learned so much about God by being a mother. Motherhood has given me such a deep understanding of how God cares for me that I don't doubt His love even for a minute. Even when I blatantly disobey His desire for my life, I realize that He's still there and still ready to scoop me up and hold me when I fall. He understands that sometimes the only way I learn is by doing it my way and as much as it pains him while I'm being defiant, He knows that I'll eventually figure out just why it was He gave me that restriction in the first place.

As children and teens, we often feel our parents don't understand us or that their rules are stupid. Then we grow up, make a few mistakes of our own, and decide Mom and Dad weren't so out of touch after all. We realize just how much they loved us and just what sacrifces they made for us. In my Christian walk, I'm still very much a child but I grow a little bit every day. And with each growth spurt I begin to see God much more clearly. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach adulthood but I'm glad that the revelation of God's love becomes more and more apparent with time. So many churches try to scare one into accepting Christ but the key is not scare tactic, it's love. God really does love us just like our mothers love us but on an infinitely deeper level. I'm so glad I belong to a church who loves people to Christ. I'm so glad I have a Mother God. He is the ultimate parent for sure.

Moods and Masterpieces

Dare I post a scathing blog about the the things that set me off today? I think perhaps I'll protect the innocent - well ok - not so innocent but still undeserving causes of my ire. Besides, there's more than one cause of irritation and to describe specifically the way things went down would be pointless. Let's just suffice it to say that I continue to be disappointed when I don't get what I give....

Maybe I'm kidding myself. I feel like a reasonable person that tries my very best to treat people the way I would like to be treated but perhaps my expection that others do the same of unreasonable. One of these days, surely, I will quit having faith in humankind and become a quirky, bitter old woman set in her ways..... OH LORD - I hope not!

We all make mistakes and that's just a fact of life. The goal is to learn from them and believe me, with each one I learn something; some lessons big and painful - others but a fleeting thought. The aim is to just not go there again. Do not make the same mistake. However, how can you be sure? Isn't there always a chance the lesson didn't penetrate deep enough? Isn't there a chance we get distracted and forget what happened before? Well in my case - that's more than true. I'm no machine. I may go there again. I can't promise it will never happen again. I can try, but I'm flawed. Some lessons are way more effective the 2nd time around.....

And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.

Women's Intuition

I have always been in touch with my intuitive notions and rarely ignore them but many times I simply shrug them off with a wait and see attitude. I rarely 'go with my gut' because I tend to doubt that these feelings are valid. And often - when I do 'go with my gut', I doubt the action I've taken, 2nd guess myself and otherwise put myself through misery.

However, sometimes my intuitions are validated. More often than not, I'm dead on accurate. Of course, I'm no prophet but alot of the time my feelings are more than just feelings.... Thing is, I never know whether it's just a feeling or something more. It really gets complicated when my desires conflict. Sometimes it's more hope than true revelation. Sometimes the revelation also turns into desire. It's just something really difficult to trust.

So I'm frustrated right now because I feel like God is trying to tell me something and I'm not getting it. Maybe because I'm confusing hope with reality, maybe because life is too complicated right now, or maybe just because I don't want to listen. Interestingly enough, He has confirmed a few of my suppositions lately so I know I just need to have faith that He will work it all out in His timing - just like He always does. He knows what's best for me and for all of us. For once, perhaps I should sit back and not try to manipulate my life? His will happens whether I like it or not, whether I sense it or not. Too often I just want to skip to the end of the chapter and not experience the details.....

Do you ever sit back and wonder why things happen the way they do? Why certain people come into your life. Why you end up involved in this situation or another. Are those wasteful thoughts? Because - it really doesn't matter, does it? Our lives are the way they are. Maybe there is a reason and maybe not. Thing is, I can't get past the feeling that there is a reason for everything (and that's my gut talking). The confusion lies in whether I should try to figure out the reason or just let myself happen upon it.

(From Myspace blog 1/27/2008)

Melodious lines bring forth exuberant sound
The combinations of rhythm amaze me
Endless are the possibilities for your compositions

Composer of beautiful music, create harmonious sound within me.
Build chords of inspiration to initiate growth in my spirit
And eliminate the disharmony within my soul.

I want to be as a magnificent orchestration, a jubilant aria or peaceful ballad.
As you are my songsmith, my life is your music.
Write your anthem on my heart and sing your melody within my soul.

(From Myspace blog 3/28/2008)

Anxiety envelops my mind
As I begin an era of uncertainty
As I embark on a journey filled with new tasks and different obstacles
Than what I faced before.

My desire to succeed trumps my fear of failure
Yet uncertainty causes doubt within my soul.
This period of trial should strengthen my ability to prevail
And increase my chance of success.

Perseverance is key
and will lead to strength and meaning
Be it in my livelihood or within my personal life
The Creator is my guide and His will is mine.

I shall set aside negativity and self doubt
And know the plans He has for me
Are according to His will and timing
And rejoice that I am His.

Dying

Tis the season for dying.... No, not dyeing - as in eggs - but dying as in Christ. Dying as in death to self. I know, I know - it's spring; Spring means new life but in order to have new life something must die. Unfortunately as I sat in our community Maundy Thursday service tonight, I was saddened by the fact that too many good things are dying. Many of the very rituals our Christian faith was founded on are no longer known. The average age of church attendees is rapidly increasing and number of children who know the books of the Bible is greatly decreasing. Rare is it find an actual hymnal in the pews and even if they are there, seldom are they used. Now - I don't want to step on toes here; Choruses and Praise music are great - that's not my point. The point is, when bringing in the new, let's just be careful what we let die.

Yes our society is changing. Yes we have to adapt and learn to communicate with our world in a way they understand. But don't we also have an obligation to foster an appreciation for what brought us where we are today? Maybe we are losing the younger population because they are bored with the traditional ways of worship but perhaps there is a way to incorporate tradition with new.

Am I completely out of touch? Do we not still teach our children the fundamentals of art appreciation using classic artists as examples? Do our children not still read classic literature in school? History is a mandatory subject which incorporates not only what ideas for which our forefathers fought, but also encourages us to bring some of those ideas into our future. We don't let our children forget the past when it relates to the secular..... why is the past getting buried in our churches?

Ashamedly I admit that I don't know much about our religious history and that's something I intend to change. Apparently the apathy toward religion began about the time I was born, because it seems to be more prevalent with my generation and below. There seems to be many more adults of my parents' age and older that are still quite devout and value church and religion much more than my age bracket. What happened that changed this? Why are we losing our youth and why is it that liturgical observances have gone by the wayside? How can we possibly combine our rich religious heritage with the new contemporary ways of worship so that the generations can come together with common understanding and a willingness to learn from each other? Perhaps, I'm idealistic in this thought but I believe if we would all just keep an open mind, we could find a happy medium and common ground for us to worship as one.