Withdrawal

Per Merriam Webster, withdrawal is definted as the following

with·draw·al

noun \-ˈdrȯ(-ə)l\

: an act of moving something away or taking something away
: an act of ending your involvement in something

: the act of taking money out of a bank account

As one who has curbed a couple of addictions lately, you would thing that I am very familiar with the term.  I cut out caffiene 90 days ago and gave up wheat and sugar almost 60 days ago.  I went through the normal withdrawal symptoms with each.  There were cravings, there were physical reactions and there were emotional responses.  Sugar was probably the hardest.

Once I got past the initial symptoms, it got easier with time and for the most part, I don't miss those things.  Sugar alone does not tempt me, nor does wheat alone but put them together in the form of a chocolate chip cookie and I'm grasping  for control.  I definitely still have my weaknesses and I've given in a time or two but I've been able to get right back on track afterward.

Recently I became aware of another thing that had control of me.  This time it was not food.  Like food, the thing in and of itself was not bad.  Some people can have caffiene, sugar and wheat without any issues whatsoever.  But I can't - those things cause trouble for me and in some ways even make me sick.    The thing I'm comparing is a relationship.  For most, it is a relationship that others tolerate very well - without trouble and without getting sick.  But for me, it became toxic.  Toxicity is sly - it happens without you realizing it.  Whether it is food or a relationship, you fall in love with it and want more of it and it can be incredibly good and even give feelings of happiness.  However, inside you're being damaged.  Before long, you experience pain and inflammation.  And then you're downright ill and you don't know why.

so you have to go through withdrawal.  you take something away; you end involvement; you take all the currency out of your emotional bank account......

AND YOU SIMPLY THROW IT ALL AWAY.

Just like you rid your pantry of tea, coffee, sugar, flour, etc - you rid your life of the relationship.

RIGHT?

I wish.  I'd give up anything else in the world you want me to give up than to go through this yet again.  But what is the cost of health?  What is the cost of real happiness?  Are those things even really attainable in these horrible temporary lives we lead? 

So many times I feel like I'm on the right path, or I'm finally getting the hang of this thing called life and then it all backfires.  We are given choices and sometimes we have to make them on the fly.  Sometimes we don't get to think about them before they become reality.  Sometimes, you're so sure you made the right choice and then the choice makes you.

My most recent choice has made me.  It's made me sad.  It's made me lonely.  It's made me really need GOD.  I don't know what's best or how to make this work out or why in the world I think I can have what I want.  It's not supposed to be about me.  That's exactly how addiction happens - it becomes about ME.  About what I want and when and how it makes ME feel.  When I put those things aside and think of food as fuel instead of as pleasure, I begin to get  healthy again.  So then with relationships, I nurture those that are good for me and eliminate those that are not.  Why is that so much easier said than done?

Why is it then that now the relationship is gone, that health means very little to me?

Rehab.

Galatians 4:8-9
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods.  But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces?  Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?

What about human nature makes us crave the familiar?  Why do we become such creatures of habit?

I will use the illustration of sugar although it can be anything one craves (soda, alcohol, sex, shopping and a myriad of other things).  I do love me some sweets - especially cookies and candy.  However, now that I have been off sugar for the last 60 days, I no longer crave them.  In fact, I had some sugar today and found it had lost its hold on me.  I ate it but knew it was not having the same effect it used to.  It was not that great.  I can honestly do without it. 

However, if you'd given me sugar even 45 days ago, just the mere taste of it would have thrown me back into addiction.  It could have easily spiraled me out of control.  I've tried to kick the habit before and have felt enslaved to the cravings.  I always went back for more.  The really sad part of addiction is that you go back for more knowing full well the item is not good for you and in fact, is even harming you. 

Funny thing about being enslaved - even though you may want out, you find that being out is uncomfortable.   It's not familiar.   In fact, it's downright scary.

When bondage has become the norm, it's extremely hard to break free even if you want to.  Those things that enslaved us before are really not that difficult to overcome; it only requires the choice to live free from them.    When we keep going back for more - we, in essence, put ourselves back into prison.  We willingly become captive to our unhealthy desires whatever they may be. 

The verse above asks why we do this and I've now had two counselors point out that I have a tendency to do this.  I have a really hard time accepting my freedom.   I am now free from the bondage of sugar and sweets.  It took time and making right choices every day.  I suppose the same theory applies to my personal life as well.  I made a choice to turn away from an unhealthy relationship - not because I didn't want it, not because I didn't crave it but because it had started to get the best of me.  If I am to be whole, I had to break free.

One of the predominant feelings I had when I quit sugar was that I felt like I had lost my best friend.   That parallels my feelings now only the truth is that I have actually given up my best friend.   This is the worst detox I've ever been through.  I'm fighting with every thing I've got not to have even one taste and the withdrawals may completely do me in.   

The key to freedom is realizing, as the verse says, I am known by God.  I know God, yes; but I am also KNOWN by GOD.  This means He knows my heart, He knows my needs and He can set me free from this.  Trusting, Hoping and keeping the Faith - day by day; making good choices as I go.

Why seek Him?

I'm struggling this week with judgement.  I'm feeling particularly empathetic with those who are dismissed because of lifestyles that go against societal norm.  Not sure exactly why this is on my heart at this particular time but perhaps it is because I myself am feeling rather rejected.   The rejection has come from a member of the clergy.....  not my church or even a former church but rather a pastor whom I've known on a personal level and *thought* had connected with.  Either that connection was false or circumstances have destroyed the bond.  At any rate, the once loving person (and his wife) is now snubbing me and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

It's funny how just when we begin to be comfortable in our own skin something happens to shake that up isn't it?  Perhaps I needed to bring myself down a notch or two in order to learn compassion for those who are rejected on a regular basis.

Why does it matter so much what someone has done in their past or is even doing in the present?  Why do we feel the need to be so critical of the choices people make?  I understand the principal that we ought to be accountable to each other and we should not tolerate sin but what is the point of ostracizing people because of it?  Isn't that contrary to the actions of Christ?

Seems to me Christ befriended everyone and didn't point out their sin UNTIL  they came to Him with it.  Either they were ill or handicapped or demon possessed but it wasn't until they went to Christ or a loved one took them to Christ that he healed them and told them to sin no more.  Interesting to me that he always healed them first......  Doesn't seem like he asked them not to sin UNTIL healing took place.  Healing took place after Christ was sought out.

So the goal is to get others to seek Christ right?  Why would they seek Christ when those who are called by His name are so stinking unapproachable?  How can others seek Christ when some of His ordained leaders won't even give you the time of day?

I know I've been guilty of this in my past.....  I've been snooty, holier than thou, too shy or a host of other excuses that have closed me off from others.  To me, that's a much greater sin than anything that defies the 10 commandments.  But one of the most important things I've learned in the last few years is that grace is for everyone .....  sinner, saint and anyone in between.  Grace is an equalizer.  We all have earthly struggles and none of us will ever be free of sin but by God's grace we are equal in His eyes.  Why can't we be equal in the eyes of one another?

Commitment

I've decided I'm not good at commitment.  The going gets tough and the tough get going.  Get going as in they leave or as in they get super committed?  I think most people would say that means the tough get busy, get motivated, get active.  I want to be that kind of tough.

But I'm tough in other ways....  some not so mighty.  I hate to admit this, but I'm the tuck your tail in and run type of girl.  Or I'm the spout off and fight but then pull away type of girl.  I can go all "Billy Badass" on you but then I turn my back.  I'm a quitter.

I can't even follow through for Lent.  I haven't been observing lent very long (maybe 5 years) but I haven't been consistent with my vow any of those years - and Lent is a fairly short commitment.

Every broken promise, every failure to succeed, every non-fulfillment I can explain away or justify.  Everything I've done or not done seems to make sense.  I think most would agree with the choices I've made.  However, just because something is reasonable does not mean it's right.

There's only one thing I know I have not ever quit.  That is love.

Love and commitment go hand in hand wouldn't you think?  Superficially yes.  But love is deeper than that.  Love does what's best for all involved, even if it means breaking a commitment.  Commitment can become a burden.  Love bears all burdens you say?  Yes it does but part of bearing burdens is alleviating them.

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone.  I'm writing because of my inner conflict.  I'm writing because I'm disappointed in my lack of commitment.  I'm writing because times are tough again and I don't know what to do.  I want to tuck my tail in and run and I've already spouted off and pulled away.  Where is my commitment?

Are we only committed as deep as our desires run?  Successful commitments are tied to our will.  We see something positive in the outcome.  We abandon commitment when it becomes clear that the outcome will not be good.  But we also quit because it gets too hard or we get distracted.   I saw a positive outcome when I committed but it's getting tough and the outcome has become sketchy.  It's time to either make it, or break it.

So what to do?  The only thing I can think of is to fall back on the one thing I've never given up on.  I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's the only answer I have.

From the Message:
Trust steadily in God * Hope Unswervingly * Love extravagantly   (1 Corinthians 13:13)

One of those days......

I'm sick.  I've been sick for over 25 years.  You wouldn't know it by looking at me and you likely wouldn't even know it had you known me for years - unless I told you.  I don't dwell on it and I don't talk about it very often.  I mostly try to ignore it.  But sometimes, I just can't.

Today, I'm having a pity party.  I do that once in awhile.  It's how I cope.  My nature is to be optimistic but in order to be that way, I must allow myself days to be melancholy.

My illness is comprised of 3 autoimmune diseases.  Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of arthritis that affects the spine and hip joints), Psoriatic Arthritis (an inflammatory condition that can involve all my joints but also includes yucky flaky skin patches that don't want to heal) and lastly, fibromyalgia (which I am still in denial about but supposedly involves trigger points, muscle aches, brain fog, and other weird maladies).

I am coming off a rather rough time physically but have felt good for the last 2-3 weeks.  That's just the nature of autoimmune diseases.  You have really bad flares alternating with days of normalcy.  The bad thing is they are completely unpredictable.   I might feel good today and unable to move tomorrow.  Sometimes I can anticipate when I might feel bad, such as when the weather is changing.  Yes, I can feel it in my bones - literally.

I pretty much have some pain daily.  I can keep it under control with medication but sometimes medication quits working and I have to try something new.  There are side effects with everything.  I've taken pills every day of my life since I was 16 years old.  I have been on an IV treatment for 7 years and have just recently had to increase it from every 8 weeks to every 6 weeks because it has lost effectiveness.  The treatment is approximately $5,000 every time I go.  I'm very thankful for my health insurance!

I'm now 42 - an age when most adults start having normal aches and pains.  My aches and pains have been "normal" for over 25 years.  I now face the affects of aging along with the aches and pains and sometimes worry about what life will be like in 10, 20, 30 years.  Will I be completely disabled at some point?  It's likely.   Can I accept that?  Maybe someday I will but not now.  I intend to fight it as long as I can.

The hardest thing for me is not really the pain I deal with or the medications I have to take, it's more the comparison habits I have.  I tend to look at other 40 something women and wonder why I can't be more like them, have their energy levels, run 5 miles, be super mom, or wear size 8 jeans. In that way, I suppose I'm no more different than any other woman.  We all have our struggles and we all play that stupid comparison game.  We tend to forget that God made us just like we are for a reason.

Will I ever understand the reason I have autoimmune diseases?  No, not likely.  I understand that it is partly due to my genetic make-up.  I understand the scientific explanations.  I even understand how it likely started or happened.  But the why of it - why I got it and my brother didn't, why I have it but didn't pass it on to my children (praise God for that!), why I know others who have it worse than I do.....those are questions for which I will never have answers.

But this I do know:  God is with me, always.  He sometimes shelters me from pain, He comforts me on pity party days, and He will stay with me even at my worst.  He has helped me overcome the times that would otherwise be unbearable.  My body may fail me but He never will.

And perhaps, that is at least part of my answer.  If there's one resounding lesson I've learned in life it's that we sometimes have to be brought to that place where we have absolutely nothing or nobody to depend on to truly understand what it means to depend on God.  Today is one of those days. 

Where your treasure is…...

It's interesting to me that there are two identical verses in the Bible.  Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  I'm not sure of the theology behind this but I'm interested in finding out more.

Coincidentally, it is also the theme of our day 6 Lenten study.

Bonhoeffer states that we are to use the goods given to us by God and not store them away.  He maintains that the heart clings to collected treasures and can come between us and God.  He uses the example of manna given to the Israelites and how when stored, it spoiled and likens that to our stored possessions in that they spoil our relationship with God.  I have to admit, that's a tough one for me.

But exactly where is my heart? Or more importantly, what do I treasure?

When I think about truly living day to day, trusting God each and every day to supply my needs, it is completely beyond my imagination.  What would that look like?  And if I'm not storing up treasure, that would mean not owning a home, a car, household goods - anything!  It would also mean no savings account, no IRA, no 401K, no thought of retirement EVER.  There would be no canned goods, no refrigerator, no freezer!  No closets!  Wha…..?  Can you imagine life with no closets?

Complete dependence on God.  Utter humility.  Genuine appreciation when needs are provided.  Honesty and openness with self and others.  Sharing, community, unfathomable faith.  Childlike trust. Zero sense of entitlement. Those are things that come without possession.

Obviously, there has to be a happy medium here, but when do you know when you have just enough?

It's not only possession that comes between us and God.  Other people do.  Our schedules do.  Our work does.  Even church can!

I'm not sure I'll ever master this heart/treasure thing but I do know this.  When I quit making time to listen or talk with God, something is out of balance.  Generally it's not "stuff" for me - I'm not overly attached to my house, cars, clothes or furniture (ok, well maybe some furniture) but I mostly want to fill my time with people.  Those I can see, hear, touch and smell……  I let my desire to be with people distract me from God - I put my trust in people, get my comfort from people, give my heart to people.

So I treasure relationships, that is where my heart is.  Doesn't sound so bad and isn't a bad thing generally speaking……   as long as I treasure God first.  He created my heart, why not let my treasure reside with Him?  Who better to guard it?  The only one who can and has given me the same in return.  For we are God's treasure and also where His heart remains.

For Me?

My church is doing a study for Lent - 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  The devotional part is quick and easy - just a paragraph to read, a Bible verse and a Psalm typically.  However there are thought provoking questions and journaling suggestions at the end of each day's reading.   I'd like to say I will journal each day of Lent, but I've already missed that goal.

The last two days of reading have had heavy emphasis on prayer.  I have felt for some time that my prayer life was lacking.  Perhaps it is because I wait until the end of the day to attempt prayer and before I finish, I'm almost always asleep.  The author here encourages prayer to be a morning ritual, gives the example of Christ praying first thing in the morning and goes as far as to say that morning prayer is "decisive for the day".  He says it helps with the ordering and scheduling of our day.  I must admit that intrigues me!  I'm most often running about with no idea what's next and that means neglect of thing that I need to get done.  But when I read prayer is "decisive for the day" I also see it as seeking God first - it's a choice, a decision we make - to pray.  If we decide to consult with God first, it only makes sense that our decisions throughout the day should also have God in mind.

Bonhoeffer also says that we are to read the word of God as God's word for us, individually - not consulting others regarding what scripture says to them, but reading each passage as if it were written strictly for ourselves, talking with God about our interpretation and not doubting that is the message God meant just for us.  I guess that is the mystery of God, the mystery of the Bible.  That it CAN mean different things to different people yet still be relevant in our lives.  Just because we believe the Bible is divinely inspired by God does not mean that it has to be a literal, black & white translation!  Who could we really trust to provide that translation if that were the case?

I will go out on a limb and say that in reading scripture, we can safely declare that an area where we are allowed to be a bit ego-centric.  As for my personal relationship with God, His word is really ALL ABOUT ME!  I gotta admit, I kinda like that!  I've always had this sort of fantasy in the back of my mind that some day, some man would have written a volume of love letters to me or kept a journal about me or something else poetic and lovely that I would come across.  Dreams DO come true because it was all written thousands of years ago  - and really, JUST FOR ME.  And you have one too!  You have your own book of love letters from that guy.....  that guy who loves you like no other.   It's pretty great to realize that happily ever after is not a myth, it just comes in different form than we are humanly taught.

And that's kind of what Lent really is.  It's a 40 day discovery of all the ways God loves us.  Enjoy your journey!