The Ultimate Compass

I had the privilege of having dinner with one of my life long friends last night.  She is a true example of a woman who constantly seeks wisdom and her presence in my life is one of my greatest blessings.  She was asking me what sparked my quest to draw closer to God.  I hadn't really thought about what started this in me and I've had a difficult time pinpointing any one thing.  There have been a whole slew of circumstances which led me to the current path I'm on.  I could likely even document *most* of them - but there are some that simply elude me.  There are some that can only be chalked up to the mystery of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit has been a difficult concept for me most of my life.  God and Jesus seem a little more concrete to me - although still complicated.  However the Holy Spirit has just been too much for me to think about.  I've known all about the Trinity but I think I just felt that if you get the concept of God and you get the concept of Jesus, then that was enough.  The mystery of the Holy Spirit was just that - a mystery.  Boy was I wrong.....

The Holy Spirit is a hugely integral part of the Trinity!  The Holy Spirit is the one who speaks to me, guides me, and gives me those gut instincts.  How in the world could I glaze over this incredible influence in my life!  When I look back, I see so many times the Holy Spirit led me, revealed things to me and protected me.  It is the very indicator of WHO I AM in Christ!  When I ignore the spirit, I ignore myself and then end up making big unnecessary messes.  And what about me grasping the concept?  Honestly I was making it way more difficult than it really is.....the Holy Spirit is actually the One I'm most familiar with.  It's the part of the Trinity that is continually with me.  To Thine Own Self Be True - really means listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance.  In other words....that lump in the pit of my stomach - means the Holy Spirit is kicking me in the gut saying "LISTEN UP".  Be who you are!  ....BUT Who Am I?  I am who I am based on how much I let the Holy Spirit lead in my life.  I absolutely CAN be anyone, anything I want to be.  However, I won't be the BEST me without hearing God's presence (through the Holy Spirit) loving me, wooing me, guiding me.

If I simply ignore this presence in my life, I become human fleshy ignorant self.  I can be GOOD on my own but I can't be BEST without letting the Holy Spirit lead.  Wisdom is the ability to know the difference between good and best.  Furthermore, if I choose to ignore this - even if I'm still good - the potential to fall and become notsogood is ever present, ever tempting and I become greatly at risk.  The Holy Spirit is an insurance of sorts - to help keep me from the temptation to fall or be distracted that could put my general health in jeopardy.  God wants us healthy.....physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Humans can help us with the physical and emotional health needs but only by acknowledging the Holy Spirit can we begin to see true growth in our spiritual lives.  Only by staying in tune with this presence, can we maintain this spiritual growth.

So as I continue my journey and as I draw closer to home, I get little notes of encouragement in my daily reading.  The verse I got today showed me I am still on course and headed the right way:

Come home, hope-filled prisoners!
   This very day I'm declaring a double bonus—
   everything you lost returned twice-over! (Zechariah 9:12)

This was perfect in every way for me today.  I wrote "Hope Floats" not long ago and have held a tight grip on the hope I have in my future but it is SO NICE to see the promise that came with this verse.  Yes I am definitely a hope-filled prisoner but God sees my struggle and tells me here that everything I've lost will be returned to me TWICE OVER!  What a blessing.  What a peaceful reassurance.

And how did I get to this spot on this journey?  Not on my own....No I was guided by the ultimate compass - the Holy Spirit!  I'm so glad I listened to His direction!  Isaiah 30:21 explains:

urging you on whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."

Foolish Pride

I am becoming more and more convicted about my trial and error way of living.  I often hear Dr. Phil's voice in my head ("How's that working for ya?") and I realize that my lack of planning and purpose has cause a lot of turmoil in my life.  There are many reasons that I am here in this place at this time and in this situation.  Most of them I am keenly aware of but I realize there are others for which I have no clue.

I definitely need to obtain more wisdom.  But what is wisdom?  really?  It can't be defined entirely by education or experience or discernment.  It is a multi-faceted attribute.  The most accurate explanation I have found is below:

"One way to define wisdom is the ability to see into the future, the consequences or your choices in the present."  ~Andy Andrews 

Most of us have at least a hint of wisdom and most of us can tell the difference between good and bad - but how many of us can actually discern the difference between good and BEST?  That's where wisdom goes a step further.  We are all capable of making good choices but how many of us are really capable of making the BEST choice?  How do we know when its BEST to act or when its BEST to wait patiently?

I have been told since I was a little girl that I was wise beyond my years. I like to think that's true and be proud of myself. But honestly - I have so much more to learn!  There ARE certain areas in which I feel confident in the wisdom God has given me but there are so many more where I am completely CLUELESS.  It's only when that pride gets in the way that I become a fool!  When I put on that coat of strong, intelligent, confident "I GOT THIS" attitude - that I end up realizing I am actually indeed a FOOL.  When we begin to think we are fully equipped to handle tough situations and neglect to put our pride aside long enough to get help, then we only make a bigger mess and create more hurdles to jump.  We miss out on the blessing of important lessons learned and blessing others with the ability to help us and see us through trouble.

It is only when I release the need to look like I have it all together and begin to let myself be vulnerable and reveal my flaws that I gain the best insight.  So I gladly admit that I'm a mess because that's when the people that help put me back together share the greatest wisdom.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. http://bible.us/Prov11.2.NIV

To some I may appear a fool - To some my life may seem to be one long list of mistakes - but that's ok - because that means wisdom is right around the corner.  I can weather a few days of clueless if it means a life  lesson yielding wisdom.  Yes - mistakes are GOOD.  They are how we learn. 

Let Them Eat Cake

Mistakes, failures, blemishes, errors......   are they for real?  I mean honestly - none of us are immune from these things so can they really be what they are perceived to be?  Are they something to be seen as negative?

The older I get, the more beauty I see in flaws.

I've been going back this week.....waaaaaaayyyyy back - back to times even before I was born!  I have been thinking about the concept of generational sin - you know the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree".  Whether this is supported by genetics or upbringing is debatable but the pattern is a definite.  All of us struggle with some of the same things our parents or grandparents did.   When I think of some of the ugly things my ancestors did, I have mixed emotion and when I parallel those things with some of the things I've done, I am dumbfounded (and very ashamed).  What I realized this week that surprised me however, is that I have carried shame for some of the things that THEY did that are completely independent from me!  Why am I carrying around the burden of THEIR sin???   That was all I needed and I feel much better now that I can release myself from that crazy yoke.

I still have my own yokes however and I'm dealing with them. BUT as I look back at the lives of those I've loved, knowing so many of their flaws ( and not all of them I'm sure), I also realized that I love them just the same.  They are still just as beautiful to me as they always have been.  I also realized that because they are flawed, maybe they are even more beautiful.  They may have scars but those scars show the tough times they were able to overcome and that gives me hope.

I was reminded of a portion of a blog I wrote in 2009:
And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.

It also makes me think of my clocks.  I have a small antique clock collection.  For some reason, I was drawn to these clocks so I started buying them at garage sales, antique stores, etc when I ran across them.  None of them work and none of them were expensive (all less than $5).  They are all different colors, shapes, and sizes but they all have their own unique qualities that drew me to them.  They stuck out to me in the midst of a whole bunch of other "junk".   They are not junk to me....  I love them.  They make me smile when I look at them.  Why - because they are so much like me.  Broken.... but able to be used for good in spite of that. 

And as for the hard times in life I think about cake. (not the old have my cake and eat it too philosophy) but rather what is something so sweet and decadent made of?  Flour, eggs, oil, baking soda or powder, salt...... and sugar.  With the exception of sugar, all those other things by themself are nasty!  Stir them together, add something sweet, spark a little fire to bake the mixture and you've got a great dessert!  So even though life deals us some nasty stuff - there is always a little sugar to mix in and always a little spark to ignite our flame that tranform our lives into something sweet and decadent.  

Suddenly I have an urge to go paint a picture of a clock shaped cake ;-)

Tests, Trials and Storms

 I find it ironic that testing at school coincides with storm season - there are so many correlations and similarities between the two!


Testing is used as a tool to gauge how well you have learned something.  It lets you know if you've mastered a concept or need to go back and study some more.  Often times, passing the test is not enough.  You have to keep a certain level of knowledge on that subject in order to stay proficient.  You have to stay on your toes!


Storms come out of nowhere and often catch us off guard.  There is no prep time or way to study.  You have to act on pure instinct and hope you get through it.  Often you have to rely on help from others to stay safe or recover from one that has hit.


As different as the two are, the after effect is similar.  They both make you stronger.    Passing a test or coming through a storm requires, patience and endurance - two things we don't practice during times of calm.  It also requires focus and dedication.  We don't utilize those skills when we are just cruising through life - those only come into play when we need to accomplish something and usually only if it is something of importance.


It is only when we have been through many tests or weathered many storms that we begin notice that those very qualities: patience, endurance, focus and dedication are actually present with us at all times.  It is those very qualities that build our faith if we let them.  Our attitude and choices we make after the test or storm are what determine the outcome.  If we beat ourselves up over every answer we got wrong on the test and refuse to claim what we learned then we may not retain what we need to.  If we let a storm beat us up and take away our perseverance, we may become weak little wimps who can't handle the pressures of this world.


However, if we choose to ignore the mistakes or the beatings and see past all that to notice how much progress we did indeed make, we will only come out ahead.  We will be able to learn and grow from all that we went through in the midst of the test, trial or storm.


I have chosen to be thankful for every situation - even when I don't like it.  It's when I don't like what life has dealt that I've learned so much.  It is during times of discontentment that God has blessed me most.  And it is times of complacency that I've become lazy, worn out and uninspired.  So although I've always thought those who thrive on drama are a bit crazy, maybe drama can be a good thing.  I'm going to look at it that way from now on if I can :) 


1 Peter 4:12-13 “Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith.” 

Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is!

Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child.  (this one is my favorite!!!)  He has calmed me A LOT !

Another dream

I had another dream last night - not so vivid but I remember the gist of it so I'm going to work it out here.  Typing helps me organize my thoughts especially when it comes to dreams.

In the dream I had left my purse behind in a public place.  I knew exactly where I left it so I went back hoping and praying it would still be there.  It was indeed there so I proceeded to look inside and make sure everything was still in it.  Everything was, except for my credit cards.  I knew I had not lost any cash because I only had my credit cards there but I was irked.  I was irked not just at whomever took the cards, but also irked at myself for leaving the purse behind.

Why would I dream this now and what exactly does it mean?

The purse represents my capacity to love.

The contents represent the various ways I love.

The credit cards represent the ways I received love in the past.

So I was so relieved to learn that my purse was still where I left it.  I am also relieved to know my heart is also right where its always been.  The contents of the purse were also still there.  I am still able to love in all the ways that I always have.  The credit cards were gone.  In the past, I think that I knew and felt love from others but I often felt like I received it knowing there would be a bill to pay later.  Maybe I was irked in the dream that my credit cards were stolen, but not because I would be out any money - only because I would have the inconvenience of having to call the credit card companies to stop the cards from being used.  I knew I would not be liable for unauthorized charges but that I would have to be watching my statements.  I also knew that once I reported the cards stolen, I did not have to have new ones reissued to me. I could decide to switch to a cash only basis for my finances.  In a similar way, I may be irked that I'm not receiving love the way I used to and I'm irked that it has been such an inconvenience.  However, I realize that I don't have to be injured by it.  I'm not liable for any unreasonable expectations that are placed on me and NOW I can start loving in a healthy manner without the burden of knowing there will likely be a bill to pay later.

I think perhaps that this was a very GOOD dream.  Dave Ramsey would be proud.

What is Beauty?

Dear God, You are worth far more praise than I could ever give. Please help me to rest in Your presence and trust in Your plan. Fill me with Your perspective until I joyfully lay down my will for Yours. Lord, when You look at my life, I want You to see beautiful. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

That is not my prayer (Gwen Smith wrote it) but it very well could be.

I have reached a time in my life where I am no longer subject to someone else's plans, hopes or dreams.  While I am still a daughter, mother, and friend I am beginning to see that the rest of my life is in my own hands.  I'm not tied to any certain location because of a job, spouse, or family.  For the first time, I can begin to dream and discover and DO what *I* want!  It's exciting but scary at the same time.  Choices are powerful - one bad choice and life spirals out of control but good choices can be the springboard to true living!

And although it is all about me right now, if I act on my own accord then I will miss something along the way.  I've spent too many years with a hole in my heart and now that its filled, I want to keep it full.  The only way to do that is to "rest in His presence" as Gwen so eloquently put it.  I trust God even in the midst of life situations that I don't like.  I believe His plan is perfect and I know He is shaping me into what He wants me to become.  

Will I find myself confused?  Sure and probably often
Will I find myself afraid?  Absolutely
Will I find myself doubting?  Yep, that too.

But what I ultimately want is just what Gwen said in her prayer - to be seen as beautiful.  Beauty is not confused, afraid or doubtful.  Beauty is strong, confident and wise.  The only way to be truly beautiful is to let my maker finish His final touches and trust His timing on that.  So I am resting now, letting Him work - until He reveals to me just where He wants me.  Because it really isn't about me, never was, never will be.  And I'm finally ok with that.

Weak moments

I had another vivid dream earlier this week that has haunted me a bit.  I won't go into detail because it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me.  It wasn't frightening but I remember being extremely irritated in my dream.  I had a problem that was small.  I tried to fix it and then it got bigger.  I tried again and it got bigger still.  Then I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could NOT fix it.  I would have to ask for help.  I hated to ask for help because it was a very personal, very messy issue.  I also knew that by going for help, I might potentially expose my problem to someone else.  The funny thing is - the part of the problem that was embarrassing was really not even my fault!  I didn't make the mess - someone else did; but every time I tried to clean it up, it got bigger and bigger and bigger.  I was afraid to seek help because I didn't want the person to think it was me that made the mess.

Well you know what?  Who made the mess doesn't really matter.  The fact that I was trying to clean it up is noble....but letting my pride interfere with getting help is something to be ashamed of.  Worrying about what others think is something I need to work on.  My control freakishness often makes mountains out of molehills.  If I would just admit my flaws and weaknesses to others and ask them to help me, I could conquer those molehills much more quickly.  But NOOOOO......  I think I have to be queen of the mountain!

Now....  because I'm having a weak moment, I'm going to quit the negative thinking about what I should have done and quit feeling bad about the unhealthy obsessions I have today.  I'm going to BRAG a little on myself so that I can put that nastiness aside and be somebody's SONshine today :)

What Amy does well:
1. In weak moments, she sees her errors and corrects them!
2. She looks for the beauty in abstract situations.
3. She seeks the ways God loves her AND finds them
4. She loves her people - truly LOVES them - in an intense teeth gritting kind of way
5. She knows when to put away the box and learn to live OUTSIDE it.

Now - if you think about it later and you want a really good laugh, ask me about the problem in my dream.  You'll be amazed that the inner sanctum of my mind could be so corrupt and I think you will laugh :)  This invitation is only for my closest dearest peeps because it really is a ridiculous dream and even more ridiculous that I could find meaning in it - BUT, no doubt, God works in mysterious ways.  He is truly my maintenance man!  Without him, nothing would EVER get fixed around here!