complete?

I've been contemplating wholeness.  And marriage.  And just how those two concepts are supposed to merge.  I look back over my life and notice a recurring pattern.....   That there is always some hole in my heart that I'm trying to fill.  Unfortunately, I've filled with all the wrong things.

Well.....  mistakes are how we learn, right?  I hate to say I live life by trial and error but that's kind of the way its been.  There's no real excuse for this.  The answer has always been here.  And I've ignored it.  I'm not feeling regret here - just a greater awareness of the cause and effect of my searching.  I think searching is common - otherwise there would not be so many songs and so much poetry about it.  The key to filling the hole is knowing who I am.   The only way to know who I am is to consult the only One who has my owner's manual.....  My maker.  I'm finding out a lot about this chick named Amy.  There's no reason she's not complete - it's all been pre-wired and she's ready to go!

Problem is, I've watched a few too many chick flicks and bought into one of the oldest lies in the book.  Jerry Maguire even bought into it:

Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise)

I love you. You complete me.

Dorothy (Renée Zellweger)

Shut up ... just shut up. You had me at hello.

Jerry thought a woman could complete him.  And I fell for that line as well.....  No person can complete me - not one.  No thing can complete me.  No career, no personality trait, no stage in life will ever complete me. That comes from within and is given by the Holy Spirit when I seek Him. 

And really.....  would we want to complete another person?  How could we if we are only half a person ourselves.  When we think of becoming one in marriage, it would seem reasonable that two halves could make a whole - but in reality it just doesn't work that way.  Why?  Because each gender represents a part of God's likeness.  He made humans in His likeness - male and female He created them.  He wants us to embrace and develop who we are in Him before we can come together in unity with another.  It takes a WHOLE woman and a WHOLE man to become ONE in the way God intended.  Too many people don't understand this concept.....   they believe that finding "the one" can make them whole.  It's a fairy tale and it often has a tragic ending.

Women long to be pursued and men long to rescue but what both genders fail to realize is that those desires must be fulfilled within God's purpose.  Women must realize that they ARE pursued - by the One who understands love far greater than any man.  Men must realize that they were made to rescue but it's not the beauty they should be fighting for - it's the kingdom of Heaven.  If two people who grasp these concepts come together as God intended - the power of them becoming One is unimaginable. 

I'm a lot like Dorothy in the movie.....   I could be had at "hello".  But I realize that is when my holes are talking - wanting to be filled.  That is when I look for my worth in men and that will always disappoint.  Thankfully the words to so many sappy love songs I enjoy pertain more to the way God feels about me than the way any man does.  Lionel Richie said it best when he sang Hello -

Hello! Is it me you're looking for?  
I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile  
You're all I've ever wanted  
And my arms are open wide  
Because you know just what to say  
And you know just what to do  
And I want to tell you so much I love you

God pursues us.  God fights for us.  And if we'll let Him, He will have us at "Hello".

Firework!

Early morning walks in the brisk cool air leave me feeling energized and alive.  This little venture I'm on is taking hold like a very powerful addiction.  This time I believe the addiction just may be healthy.  I realize what the physical activity does for my heart....physically.  But I never realized just what it might do to my heart....emotionally.

My heart has been in healing mode and I've chosen to hit it with the most powerful medication I know.....time with God.  He is teaching me so much every day and strengthening me beyond what I ever thought possible.  I never knew that I could crave Him!  I craved everything else under the sun never understanding that what I really craved WAS the SON :) :) :) 

I like to listen to pump me up tunes in the morning when I walk and unfortunately there are not many christian tunes that have an aerobic beat soooooo.......  yep - I got the secular tunes going.   I like a little Maroon 5, Pink and Katy Perry.  I'm sure I'll add more as I go but for now those are the main 3 on my playlist.  My absolute favorite which I end with each day is Firework by Katy Perry.  The message is powerful and it speaks to me right now so I'll post below.  I am God's firework :)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

Who gets me?

I'm still pondering the mysterious ways that God works in our lives.  More often than not, He works behind the scenes and we never even realize what's going on.......  until much later when He chooses to reveal it to us.  He works in the hearts of those who love us, who pray for us and who may not even tell us that they do this.  He works in our hearts and sometimes through our emotions - creates desires in us that we would have never expected had we been living for ourselves.  He also works in our times of discontent and stirs within us a desire for change even when we have no idea what that change needs to be.  Sometimes He even works in us through our sin and our mistakes and shows us how to learn from them..... if we seek Him and let Him.  And often even when we aren't seeking Him or asking Him - He is still doing His thing....working with patience, hoping, pursuing, wooing us.  He desires us, longs for us and craves our attention.

I don't understand what God is doing in my life right now.  He is being mysterious and asking me to trust....  I am often embarrassed at my situation - that I'm divorced, that I can't stay organized, that I'm wishy washy at times and that I lack confidence in certain situations.  I often still feel like a little girl seeking approval and very much NOT the mature, insightful woman I'd like to be.  I often feel like no one understands me or could comprehend what my mind goes through each day or even worse - that others judge me and see only my flaws.  And reality is - all of that IS happening!  Some misunderstand, some judge, some feel sorry for me - that's just how we are built as humans.  We are emotional and even when that emotion doesn't make sense God still uses it.  God gets me.  God wants to use me.  God wants me to not ask why or how or especially what will anyone else think.  So.... even I don't need to "get it".  He doesn't ask for me to understand, He just asks for me to obey.

So I continue my journey and I walk even further into the wilderness.  The season of Lent is upon us and this year I am walking.  I'm also giving up something important which I may write about at a later date but I'm adding in something new and devoting time to walk.  Sounds pretty elementary and I don't understand it just yet - but God asked me to walk - with Him - and with my son Drew and sometimes with friends.  I believe that by Easter He will help me understand how this walking is going to build me spiritually.  Jesus went to the wilderness to find out who He is as He relates to God.  Maybe that's what God is doing with me as well.

Who is Amy?  I lost her for a long time but with each step, I begin to see her again.  This time without rose colored glasses or behind smoke and mirrors.  This time - with a little of my maker's view.  Who gets me better than the one who made me?  He is the only source we need to find ourselves.

Phillipians 1:6 - There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

The Best for Last

I've always been a big believer in finishing strong.  I often have a little difficulty getting started or even staying engaged in a project or goal but when I become committed to something and see it through to the end, the result is a quality completion.  Somewhere in the midst of a project, I become more and more enamored with the goal and begin to put more of myself into it.  It requires great focus and drive to get me to this point otherwise distraction and discouragement get the best of me and I lose sight of the commitment.

Another blog I read this morning turned me on to the story of Jesus turning water into wine.  I had to read this a couple of times......  God was telling me something but it was a little different spin on the main point of the blog.  I had to go straight to the scripture and focus so that I could interpret just what He wanted me to take to heart.  How many times have I read this very story and not thought a thing about it?  But today was time!  Today the message was for me.  I marvel at how scripture works this way!

I am 40.  I love being 40.  Why?  It seems like a new beginning in a way.  I have lived about half my life already.  The first 20 years turning into an adult.  The last 20 years learning how to be an adult. There have been many bumps and bruises along the way and I've had great difficulty getting started and staying engaged.  Honestly, I've had trouble even establishing a goal.  But something about turning 40 has inspired me.  I feel that I'm just getting turned on to what life is really about and I feel like I'm on to something.  I'm excited about it!  For the first time ever, I feel like I have a clean slate and I can start over - this time with focus and purpose.

Just like in the story (John 2) I was running out of wine.  I was too busy enjoying the party to really even notice.  But someone was Mary for me - I have no idea whom (and this may have been several people).  This "Mary" went to Jesus for me and let him know......  that girl over there is so busy with the party she doesn't even know she is running out of wine.  Jesus told her it wasn't time.  But Mary knew that Jesus would not ignore her plea.  When He was ready, He told His servants what to do.  These servants who care so deeply about me and about this party of life - went and filled the jars with water - plain old water.   I'm sure they had no idea why - why would he want to fill with water?  And even when He told them to take the pitcher to the host they may have thought Him crazy.  What good will that do to give the host water?  But our Lord works in mysterious ways - sometimes with plain old water.  When the host tasted the water he replied as below:

 ^9-10When the host tasted the water that had become wine (he didn't know what had just happened but the servants, of course, knew), he called out to the bridegroom, "Everybody I know begins with their finest wines and after the guests have had their fill brings in the cheap stuff. But you've saved the best till now!" 

I am beginning to taste the wine in my life.  And it is so much sweeter now!  I have spent my earlier years being wrapped up in the party and then questioning the water I've been provided - never realizing that my Lord knew what He was doing all along.  I didn't even have faith enough to see it.  This came from the Mary in my life and the servants who obeyed!   Now I see!  He has saved the best for last and this is all I needed to keep on working for the prize and finish strong.  This is just one more way He loves us and with just enough mystery to keep us intrigued.

Strong, Reasonable, Confident Woman..... Not this chick!

Inner growth becomes hampered when we cut off and deny our emotional needs. A sense of emotional vulnerability is something many women find disturbing. Vulnerability frightens us. To cover the fear, we create a slick surface maturity, and we bury the inner self.

I'm not sure who wrote this quote....  I stole it from Facebook and I know the person who posted it had to have copied it from someone else (gosh, that's not very nice of me to assume that is it?)

Nevertheless, it rings so very true and is phrased in a way that I have never considered.  What I have fought so hard to be over the years - a strong, reasonable, confident woman is exactly what has made me a weak, broken, vulnerable little girl.  In trying to be that mature woman, I pushed aside my emotional needs.  I tried to do it all and model perfection.  I tried to hide my flaws or worse, ignore them.  One of the worst things I could think of was to be needy.  I saw that as selfish I think.....

However, it's clear now that what I saw as selfish was actually self awareness and I fought with everything I had to deny that was a need.  Self intimacy was a foreign term to me.  I remember when I first heard about it....  honestly, I thought naughty thoughts. haha.....  but really it's the purest, most basic form of love there is.   It's even Biblical: Mark 12:30 - Love your neighbor as YOURSELF.  What that means to me is that you have to love yourself BEFORE you can really love your neighbor.  You can't love yourself if you bury her under a whole bunch of unmet emotional needs.

So once again, I am getting confirmation that I'm on the right road and once again I see that it really is the road less traveled.  It's scary to be real.  It makes us vulnerable.  And quite honestly there will be times that we will come under attack for it.  It is not for everyone and definitely not for the faint at heart.  It requires courage and FAITH.  

And even though I haven't seen it yet, I believe the risk is so worth the reward.  It may take me years and years to truly see where this road leads but I just don't think you can beat the adventure it will provide.  There is no need to fear vulnerability.  The only risk I see is potential hurt from the attacks I may face.  But if I've learned anything over the last year, I've learned that hurt makes me stronger, gives me wisdom and directs my confidence where it belongs which is in the arms of God.

Ironically it is this very vulnerability that we fear so much that actually gives us the strength we need to keep truckin on this journey called life.  Don't fight it or it will fight back and end up burying you in the process.

 

 

 

Foggy

Yesterday morning I had a very long, dark, foggy drive into the office.  There were moments where the fog would lift or appear thinner and there were places the fog was so thick I could barely see one car length in front of me.

It occurred to me that this is just like my life at the moment.

I know we are always plagued with some degree of uncertainty but lately the uncertainty in my life has hit a very thick, foggy place.  It's not easy trying to drive under these conditions.  Just like on the highway, I have to proceed with caution.  I can't see what's ahead.  If I allow even one distraction, the after effect could be fatal.  I can't look at my phone, or down at the radio, or even off into the side road.  There could be a car ahead that I might miss, or a deer or some other type of animal on the road - or a roadblock.  If I don't keep my eyes focused straight ahead, I could wreck!  It's intense.  But yet, there are also moments where the fog dissipates and the sun begins to peek through if only for just a moment.  I can't rest in these moments for the fog may be lingering around the next curve....

So just like when I'm driving - I see now that I must focus on God and not let the distractions of life lure me away from what I hope to accomplish.  It is a time of intensity but also a time when rays of His Sonshine come through to let me know this fog will lift eventually.

I made it to the office yesterday and even made it all the way home with no wrecks.  I had a few near misses but ultimately I got home in one piece.  The fog did eventually go away and we ended up with a nice day....  a very nice day that ended with circle time.  I'm thankful for my circle, thankful I can drive and even thankful for the fog - because without foggy patches I might think myself invicible and I don't ever want to be in that place.  I like being dependent.  I like giving Jesus the wheel :)

1 Corinthians 13:12
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Full Circle

I'm not a big supporter of looking back usually but today marks a day worth doing this for me.  Today marks an answer to prayer.  Last year I was in a state turmoil and conflict - feeling unable to love or receive love in the proper way.  I felt desperate and dysfunctional and very, very unhealthy.  Life began to unravel shortly after....

Many bumps and bruises later I can truly say I'm now stronger for it.  This year has been a fight!  At times I knew what I was fighting for and at other times I didn't.  A few days ago, I posted about divorce being war but how I intended to put a different kind of spin on that.  I intend to choose love and compassion over anger and hatred.  It's a battle that doesn't have to end in total devastation.  Some battles, when fought properly have the ability to foster growth and change for the greater good.

But the fight is never over.  Love itself is war.  It's a battle we all face.  It's where we are all attacked at one time or another - whether by friends, family or significant others.  The world twists it into ways we don't understand or turns it into blatant lies that throw us off course.  I believe it is the most powerful attack we face and we face it daily.  Why?  Because it's also our most powerful weapon!  It is the key to our joy, peace and fulfillment and if the world can disarm us or corrupt our ability to love, we miss out on those blessings.

So I am determined not to go unarmed any longer.  Last year I was vulnerable and attacked.  This year I am clothed in full armor.  I'm ready to fight.  Not only do I have the most powerful weapon on my side, I have the shield of brokenness to go with it.  The scars of a previous battle have only made me stronger and more focused.  This time I have a different enemy and also a different ally.  Things have come full circle - and only because of answered prayer.

Instead of hearts today, I see circles....  Circles have no end.  They are forever.  Just like love.