Strong, Reasonable, Confident Woman..... Not this chick!

Inner growth becomes hampered when we cut off and deny our emotional needs. A sense of emotional vulnerability is something many women find disturbing. Vulnerability frightens us. To cover the fear, we create a slick surface maturity, and we bury the inner self.

I'm not sure who wrote this quote....  I stole it from Facebook and I know the person who posted it had to have copied it from someone else (gosh, that's not very nice of me to assume that is it?)

Nevertheless, it rings so very true and is phrased in a way that I have never considered.  What I have fought so hard to be over the years - a strong, reasonable, confident woman is exactly what has made me a weak, broken, vulnerable little girl.  In trying to be that mature woman, I pushed aside my emotional needs.  I tried to do it all and model perfection.  I tried to hide my flaws or worse, ignore them.  One of the worst things I could think of was to be needy.  I saw that as selfish I think.....

However, it's clear now that what I saw as selfish was actually self awareness and I fought with everything I had to deny that was a need.  Self intimacy was a foreign term to me.  I remember when I first heard about it....  honestly, I thought naughty thoughts. haha.....  but really it's the purest, most basic form of love there is.   It's even Biblical: Mark 12:30 - Love your neighbor as YOURSELF.  What that means to me is that you have to love yourself BEFORE you can really love your neighbor.  You can't love yourself if you bury her under a whole bunch of unmet emotional needs.

So once again, I am getting confirmation that I'm on the right road and once again I see that it really is the road less traveled.  It's scary to be real.  It makes us vulnerable.  And quite honestly there will be times that we will come under attack for it.  It is not for everyone and definitely not for the faint at heart.  It requires courage and FAITH.  

And even though I haven't seen it yet, I believe the risk is so worth the reward.  It may take me years and years to truly see where this road leads but I just don't think you can beat the adventure it will provide.  There is no need to fear vulnerability.  The only risk I see is potential hurt from the attacks I may face.  But if I've learned anything over the last year, I've learned that hurt makes me stronger, gives me wisdom and directs my confidence where it belongs which is in the arms of God.

Ironically it is this very vulnerability that we fear so much that actually gives us the strength we need to keep truckin on this journey called life.  Don't fight it or it will fight back and end up burying you in the process.

 

 

 

Foggy

Yesterday morning I had a very long, dark, foggy drive into the office.  There were moments where the fog would lift or appear thinner and there were places the fog was so thick I could barely see one car length in front of me.

It occurred to me that this is just like my life at the moment.

I know we are always plagued with some degree of uncertainty but lately the uncertainty in my life has hit a very thick, foggy place.  It's not easy trying to drive under these conditions.  Just like on the highway, I have to proceed with caution.  I can't see what's ahead.  If I allow even one distraction, the after effect could be fatal.  I can't look at my phone, or down at the radio, or even off into the side road.  There could be a car ahead that I might miss, or a deer or some other type of animal on the road - or a roadblock.  If I don't keep my eyes focused straight ahead, I could wreck!  It's intense.  But yet, there are also moments where the fog dissipates and the sun begins to peek through if only for just a moment.  I can't rest in these moments for the fog may be lingering around the next curve....

So just like when I'm driving - I see now that I must focus on God and not let the distractions of life lure me away from what I hope to accomplish.  It is a time of intensity but also a time when rays of His Sonshine come through to let me know this fog will lift eventually.

I made it to the office yesterday and even made it all the way home with no wrecks.  I had a few near misses but ultimately I got home in one piece.  The fog did eventually go away and we ended up with a nice day....  a very nice day that ended with circle time.  I'm thankful for my circle, thankful I can drive and even thankful for the fog - because without foggy patches I might think myself invicible and I don't ever want to be in that place.  I like being dependent.  I like giving Jesus the wheel :)

1 Corinthians 13:12
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Full Circle

I'm not a big supporter of looking back usually but today marks a day worth doing this for me.  Today marks an answer to prayer.  Last year I was in a state turmoil and conflict - feeling unable to love or receive love in the proper way.  I felt desperate and dysfunctional and very, very unhealthy.  Life began to unravel shortly after....

Many bumps and bruises later I can truly say I'm now stronger for it.  This year has been a fight!  At times I knew what I was fighting for and at other times I didn't.  A few days ago, I posted about divorce being war but how I intended to put a different kind of spin on that.  I intend to choose love and compassion over anger and hatred.  It's a battle that doesn't have to end in total devastation.  Some battles, when fought properly have the ability to foster growth and change for the greater good.

But the fight is never over.  Love itself is war.  It's a battle we all face.  It's where we are all attacked at one time or another - whether by friends, family or significant others.  The world twists it into ways we don't understand or turns it into blatant lies that throw us off course.  I believe it is the most powerful attack we face and we face it daily.  Why?  Because it's also our most powerful weapon!  It is the key to our joy, peace and fulfillment and if the world can disarm us or corrupt our ability to love, we miss out on those blessings.

So I am determined not to go unarmed any longer.  Last year I was vulnerable and attacked.  This year I am clothed in full armor.  I'm ready to fight.  Not only do I have the most powerful weapon on my side, I have the shield of brokenness to go with it.  The scars of a previous battle have only made me stronger and more focused.  This time I have a different enemy and also a different ally.  Things have come full circle - and only because of answered prayer.

Instead of hearts today, I see circles....  Circles have no end.  They are forever.  Just like love.

I'm no Bahama Mama

So let's talk vacation.

2 destinations - both very different.

First one:  lay on the beach in the Bahamas.  Total R&R.  No adventure.  No challenge.  Just easy going, laid back living.

Second one:  Yellowstone National Park.  Get back to nature, Conquer the wild, Camping, Hiking, River rapids.  Lots of adventure, exploration, and activity involved.  Challenging, action packed and eventful.

Which one would you choose?

There is no right answer here.  Either would be a nice break from routine.  However, one is totally restful and easy.  The other - somewhat complicated, yet rewarding.  The benefits are each very different.

Now - instead of vacation, think of women.  Most definitely we all have our category.  One type of woman will provide restful enjoyment and the other rewarding adventure.  One is easy - the other may be intimidating.

I'm most definitely NOT the Bahamas.  If you're cool with that, then your rewarding vacation awaits :)

One Last Song

I just wanted to post the lyrics to this song here so that I would never lose them. 

This was the last song by the Oklahoma All State Women's Choir in their concert

last month.  It was a day that will be forever etched on my heart....   a day of 

brokenness and sorrow, but also of awakening. You don't mourn unless 

something was precious to you.  It's the way we honor our memories. 

And this song was a proper goodbye.....  

"One Last Song (and then we part)
 
Come let us sing
One last song before we part.
Sing of joy and hope and sorrow
Of the true things in our hearts.
Choose for me an ancient master
Of a wonderful new-made song,
Just one condition I impose
Is this- make sure it's long.
For when the musics over
And the last chords echo fades,
Of all the time we spent together
We go our separate ways.
 
Let all our friendships never falter
And all our memories never fade.
Of all the time we spent together
And all the music we have made.
The uncounted hours spent with you
Hold a place deep in my heart.
Come lets raise a song together, 
One last song, and then we part

What is Courageous?

So I had a moment of frustration yesterday and was brought back to reality by a sweet friend.  I'm not here to retract my statements necessarily but maybe more so to clarify.

I had challenged my male readers to be strong and ahem, "Grow a pair" - but I did not clarify what I mean by that.  Yes - every woman wants to be sought after and fought for.  We love to be rescued and feel the arms of security in our lives.  But more than that we want our men to relate to us - to understand - to share their hopes, dreams, concerns.  We want them to be REAL and to show us their true authentic self.  We don't want the masks, the persona, the ego trip most men reveal to us.  We want to feel safe enough with them to be able to be naked - and I don't mean physically.  We want transparency.  It's easy for us when we trust someone - but we want it to go both ways.   In order for this to happen, men need to have the courage to show us their realness - their flaws, their fears.......  their heart.

I have learned that this is a rare event for a man to share his soul.  It is difficult enough for them with other men but maybe even more terrifying with a woman.  I wish that somehow I could communicate to them all how important this is for true intimacy.

So when I say "Step Up", I'm really asking you men to open up.  Don't be afraid to be real with the women in your life.  I promise we are much less critical than you might guess.  Why?  Because we are flawed and insecure as well - and just as I felt better knowing that Eve was not alone in her sin, the same principal applies to my messy inner self.  I just want to be able to share that with someone who also has his flaws.  I want to help him be a better man and receive help from him to be a better woman.  Isn't that the whole point of relationships anyway?  Isn't this why it wasn't good for man to be alone?

Adam didn't ask for Eve.  He didn't even know he wanted her.  One more example of how God knows our needs and wants even better than we know them ourselves.

The next time someone mentions courage, know that in a woman's eye it does not necessarily mean your ability to protect her or fight off enemies.  It means she wants you to show confidence enough in your true authentic self that you have no problem letting her see you "naked" and unashamed.

Cowards.

Not sure where to begin on this exactly.  I have some new thoughts to process.

Do you know where Adam was when Eve was being tempted by the serpent?  The Bible indicates he was right there with her.....  not just with her but CLOSE - like shoulder to shoulder - when all this was happening.  Yet obviously he was silent.  He did not speak up.  He did not try to stop her.  Why?  Was he afraid?  Was he as fascinated as Eve?  Was he just letting her lead?  OR was he afraid she would be mad at him if he stood up for what was right?

Learning this really has my mind spinning.  I've known for a long time that men and women think in entirely different ways on just about everything.  And I - even though Eve's sin was waaaaay before my time - have carried guilt about being a woman, a control freak, a manipulator just like Eve.  Oh of course, I've accepted God's grace in my life and I know I really don't have to carry that guilt but knowing that Adam was right there and didn't stop her eases my pain a bit.  I mean, in my mind, he is every bit as wrong!  HE DID NOT FIGHT FOR HER PURITY!

Isn't that what being a man is all about?  Aren't men supposed to watch out for us and protect us - even from ourselves at times?  Aren't they wired for the fight - and highly competitive?   Or..... are they really just big cowards?  WHY IS IT THAT WHEN THE PRESSURE IS ON THEY CAVE OR REFUSE TO STEP UP?

Sorry that I'm yelling.....  I'm feeling very let down but yet at the same time vindicated.  I don't own 100% of my mistakes when there was a man present watching me fall.  Yes - absolutely - I own my part and I did play a very big selfish part BUT I feel free from the burden of shame because I was not alone in my errors.

And then at the same time, I feel silly that this even matters.  The only thing that should matter is that God's grace is sufficient.  But somehow - it makes me feel a great sigh of relief knowing that I was not alone in my misunderstandings or misinterpretations of how life was supposed to be.

It is going forward that I can begin to live a life brand new - without hiding from God (like Adam and Eve both did after they ate the fruit).  When God seeks me I can step out, unashamed and be present where He wants me.  My confidence is being renewed and I get stronger each day that my relationship with Him is strengthened.  I feel powerful and strong.

And for the men out there that aren't stepping up, aren't fighting for their women, aren't being the men they were created to be - I feel sorrow and compassion.  If anyone can relate to feeling inadequate that would be me.  It would be easy to point the finger and place blame - but that certainly won't help them become the men that God intended.  Every ounce of me wants to yell at them - GROW A PAIR, but.....  then I remember the way I failed my man, my children, my friends and family - and I'm humbled.  I see that these men have to take their hurts, disappointments, and insecurities to God just like I did.  And I pray for them.  I love them.  And hope the confusion and inner conflict will be healed one day.  Be strong my sweet men !!!

Psalm 62:11
God said this once and for all; how many times Have I heard it repeated? "Strength comes Straight from God."