Who Am I?

”Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you’ll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you’re content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty” (MSG). Matt 23:11-12

I guess for this verse to apply - I have to know who I am first.  I am getting to know her again and for the first time maybe ever, this life is becoming all about me.  But is it?  really?

What I am discovering is that in all my years of serving others I did neglect myself but now that I can really put myself first, I find that I really don't want to.  I'm finding that the only real way to find myself is to continue in service.  The mark I missed is that I was serving only in my little world and not branching out.  I became invisible.

Even though I battle shyness and introversion, I long to stand out.  It's uncomfortable for me to be the center of attention but I want to be the example.  Not because I'm great - but because Christ is great through me.

I believe He is revealing who Amy really is to me one day at a time right now.  I believe all this mess I've gone through the last year has a purpose in my life.  I believe that He is giving me the freedom to be who I am - but not who I am based on ME - but who I am with HIM.

The verse above warns us - if we puff ourselves up, we will get the wind knocked out of us and this is exactly what happened to me last year.  I tried to make my life all about me, I went on a journey to find myself but I forgot one simple thing : Christ.   Now that I have turned around and picked Him back up, He is my co-pilot and has become the wind beneath my wings.  He hasn't yet revealed to me where I am going but He is showing my daily who I am.

I am HIS. 

Pursuit

So yes - I'm sort of taking this from another blog I read this morning but only because it fit so appropriately with what I am going through now.  I have been a bit bummed by the fact that I am not being pursued.  The thrill of the hunt is powerful - but maybe more so when you are the one who is hunted.  What woman doesn't want to be wanted?  Above all, I think this may be our innermost desire.  We need to be needed.  We want to be the "go-to girl" - it works this way with our friends but more so our mates.

However - what I didn't see is that I indeed AM being pursued!  Just as God has become THAT GUY for me, I am THAT GIRL for Him.  I don't need the call or attention of a man to feel value.  I don't need to be bummed by indecision or inability to commit.  I have a lover who woos me - intently - and ultimately I am His bride first.  Once I fully am able to understand and embrace that, perhaps He will provide to me an earthly companion - but once again He teaches me that He is the ultimate soul mate. I can't help but fall in love with Him - he constantly romances me and shows me how precious I am.

I know He has a plan and purpose for my life and for His greater glory.  I trust Him like I trust no other.  This storm I'm going through has a purpose and He is calming ME instead of the storm.  This morning it was clear....  I am His.

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me” (Song of Songs 2:10, NIV)

Depleted with Joy.

I think I've reached a new low..  I'm actually thankful for this!  Because of it I have been able to adopt a happy go lucky, no care in the world kind of attitude.  I have truly let go!  And it's invigorating.

I am away for work for several weeks and in my happy place - my home: the place where I grew up and the place I feel where I ultimately belong.  I am doing the things that make me happy.  I am tightly scheduled but with things I enjoy and with people I love.  The last two weeks have been very good for me!  It is really nice to be able to consider no one else but me for a change.

The only drawback is being away from the kiddos.  But I have decided that when I return to them, I will be a much better mom.  I will have learned so much about myself and be so at ease with my circumstances that I will be able to fully engage with them.

This is what joy is.  The ability to rest in God in spite of circumstances that leave you emotionally depleted and know that He's got this.  He's carrying me right now.  He loves me. AND I'm getting His best!

As You Turn Away

Lady Antebellum - As You Turn Away lyrics | LyricsMode.com

Standing face to face
Wrapped in your embrace
I don't wanna let you go
But you're already gone
Now you kiss my cheek
Soft and bittersweet
I can read it in your eyes
Baby, this is our goodbye

Nothing more to say
Nothing left to break
I keep reaching out for you
Hoping you might stay
Nothing more to give
Nothing left to take
I keep reaching out for you
Reaching out for you
As you turn away

Let go of my hand
So I can feel again
Nothing's going to hurt as much
As that final touch
No we can't be friends
Cause I don't think I could take seeing you
And knowing where we've been
I hope you understand 

Feelings....woah, woah, woah Feelings.....

There is a song from the seventies with these words....  Just had to sing in text form.  Look it up on you tube if you can't quite place it.  The song refers to trying to forget feelings but I don't want to forget mine.  I want to remember them with the same intensity that I found them initially.  This is life and we are created as emotional beings for a reason.  I embrace that part of me but yet I also have the wisdom to keep it in check.

AND I'm still thinking about Joyce Meyer's quote.  It bothers me.  She is a wise woman but I don't like how she worded this one.

 The more you follow your feelings, the stronger they will become. Make the decision today to say "yes" to God and "no" to feelings.

I think our feelings have great value.  I feel like one of our big problems is that we tend to ignore them. If we don't take time to feel, or we don't acknowledge our feelings then we can't properly heal.  Too often we push them to the side and don't deal with them.  Then they become volatile and could come out at any moment in a completely dysfunctional way.   And the more we ignore them, the more they intensify and fester below the surface which is far more dangerous than taking time to really ~feel~ them.  When we allow ourselves this simple luxury, we heal more appropriately and waaaaay more quickly !!!

In fact, this past week I learned that unresolved feelings lead to a longer recovery time when grieving.  No doubt this is true in my own life.  I made this mistake far too long.  I'm learning how much better I feel when I get these things out of my system.  The relief is almost immediate.

Of course it takes the proper channeling.  I can't just fly off the handle or burst into tears out in public.  That could do some extra damage that I definitely don't need to deal with.  And maybe that's where Joyce was going with this.  Maybe she actually means that we should not dwell on our feelings - but deal with them.  Realize they are simply feelings - which are often temporary - and know that our brains will kick in at some point.  By saying yes to God in this area, I suppose she means we go to Him with our emotions.  Give them away to Him.  Let Him heal us.  He is truly the only one who can handle them.

Crazy Busy and Out of my Comfort Zone

So for the next 6-8 weeks my blogs will be very hit or miss.  I am away from home during the week training for a new position with the same company that I've worked for the last 5 years.  Super excited about it - but also super busy.  On weekends, I'm home with the kids so it will be all about them.  I'll blog as I can but so far I don't even have time to think and this blogging business requires quite a bit of though on my parts.  It is definitely not something that comes easy to me.  For now, I'm mulling over this thought from Joyce Meyer I received on Facebook:

 The more you follow your feelings, the stronger they will become. Make the decision today to say "yes" to God and "no" to feelings.


Not too sure I like it.  I love to indulge in "feeling" - but maybe its time to quit for awhile.  Time will definitely tell....

Resolution for no more resolutions....

New Years Day 2012.  I've been trying to get to this keyboard all day but things kept distracting me.  Good things, family - friends and all the things I love most.  I don't know why it never ceases to amaze me how blessed I am.  And I wish I could explain why I *know* this coming year is going to be the best yet!  I don't know why - but I feel good things are coming.

That being said, I also am aware that it may take a few more tears to get to those good things.  This time, however, I'm ready for them.  I'm ready to keep feeling every ounce of emotion, experience every joy and every sorrow and take in all life wants to give me.  I'm ready for pain. I'm ready for elation.  I'm ready to be molded into what God wants me to be!

It is also a time many make resolutions.  I have made a few myself in the past.  I was also going over and over in my mind, what I would resolve to do this year.  However, I realized that pretty much every time I've made a resolution, I've failed.  And actually when I did not make a resolution, then my year went more smoothly.  Seems to me, resolutions just set us up for failure.  And why not?  We are human - we fail - we fail a lot - we fail more than we succeed.  That doesn't have to be a negative however.  Failure is good.  It's how we learn.

I'm so very thankful for my failure.  Because of it, I have realized that life can no longer be about me.  Life is about what God can do through me.  I'm merely a vessel and if I will submit and let Him use me - AND my failures - He will do powerful things.  

This year marked the biggest failure of my life.  It was gut-wrenching.  But I learned so much through it - most of all that I can't do this thing called life on my own.  Instead of resolutions,  I choose promises.  Not promises I make to others or even to God.  I choose to dwell on promises God has made to ME.  This year I have chosen to embrace Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

When I started 2011, I began a search for transparency, honesty and truth.  This verse is the answer.  Will I fail?  Absolutely.  Every day.  More than I care to admit.  But this verse will remind me, correct me and put me back on that path.  Back to the road less traveled.  It's the best way to go.