Do I appear to have it together? Do I seem to have direction and know what I want? Some would say yes. However, those that know me most intimately have seen the brokenness and confusion that I face daily.
So - unresolved issues in place - does that mean you no longer want to know me? Or does it help you to feel like you are not alone in that? Unresolved issues in place - does that make me way too complicated for you to want to have a relationship with me? Or do you want to be a part of my progress and recovery?
And how about your own unresolved issues..... Want to know how I feel about those? I see the pain they bring you. I know they are extremely difficult to face and deal with. That is exactly why they are unresolved. However, I believe in you. I want to see you conquer them. I know you can do it! How do I know? Because I have issues myself that are no longer unresolved. I have faced and dealt with many things that I have laid to rest. How about my resolved issues? Should they not be an encouragement to you?
Unresolved issues in my mind are a non-issue. We all have them. Eventually we deal with them or they just come out - like an explosion. I am not fearful of this but rather hopeful when this happens because it forces healing. I want to help you deal - even if I become the brunt of the explosion. For in my mind, the explosion - though damaging - forces cleanup and rebuilding and this could mean a life brand new.
What I would hate to see happen is for my own unresolved issues to be the reason that you avoid facing your own. The irony is that the main unresolved issue that I once faced - my biggest hurdle - has been taken care of. I was able to get past the pain of years of disappointment, get past the cloud of disrespect that I let take hold of my heart, and become renewed to the passion I once had in my youth. To me, that was the first step toward fixing the other secondary things that I've let go over the years. And now.... because one of those secondary things reared its ugly head, I must go to work building all those walls back up - so that my heart can stay intact, but this time, to keep it broken and not the hardened mass it had become. This time - to be protected by God's grace and not perverted by my own attempt at restoration.
My own unresolved issues have been repaired by love. I hope that you will begin to repair yours the same way. Let God love you today.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Peace, Be still.
You know that feeling when a storm is brewing? There may not be obvious signs of it yet but you can just feel the tension in the air. The anticipation in the atmosphere builds and then the storm comes in - may be just rain, may be a little thunder or a little lightning maybe or it could be a full on tornado that comes through.
I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.
Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.
And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40
I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.
So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.
I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.
Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.
And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40
I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.
So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Do you?
Love.
What a vague, generalized term.
I love my new outfit. I love my job. I love my home. I LURVE my children!
How can one word have so many different intensities, meanings, applications?
How can one word be so obvious, yet so difficult to understand?
How can one word represent a universal desire or need that is innate to all of us?
ALL of us.
We are born with this yearning - to know, feel and give love.
It's not just a human trait, but animals seek it as well.
In its absence, we fail to thrive.
I am fortunate enough to have experienced all forms of love yet I seek an even greater knowledge of the word. I want to know love outside of myself but yet I want someone to give that in return. Is this my fairy tale fallacy? I'm not really talking about happily ever after but rather acceptance ever after. Awareness of each others strengths and weaknesses with a willingness to accept each other and deal with the inadequacies and vulnerabilities we all face at one time or another.
Intimacy in physical form should be secondary to true transparency in the emotional sense. The ability to see ALL of each other and be truly uncovered but yet still comfortable with that awareness would be ideal. I seek authenticity in a man - not just as it pertains to me but also to others. No masks, no pretentions. Just...... REALness.
Needle in a haystack, maybe. Possible? Absolutely. I believe. Do you?
What a vague, generalized term.
I love my new outfit. I love my job. I love my home. I LURVE my children!
How can one word have so many different intensities, meanings, applications?
How can one word be so obvious, yet so difficult to understand?
How can one word represent a universal desire or need that is innate to all of us?
ALL of us.
We are born with this yearning - to know, feel and give love.
It's not just a human trait, but animals seek it as well.
In its absence, we fail to thrive.
I am fortunate enough to have experienced all forms of love yet I seek an even greater knowledge of the word. I want to know love outside of myself but yet I want someone to give that in return. Is this my fairy tale fallacy? I'm not really talking about happily ever after but rather acceptance ever after. Awareness of each others strengths and weaknesses with a willingness to accept each other and deal with the inadequacies and vulnerabilities we all face at one time or another.
Intimacy in physical form should be secondary to true transparency in the emotional sense. The ability to see ALL of each other and be truly uncovered but yet still comfortable with that awareness would be ideal. I seek authenticity in a man - not just as it pertains to me but also to others. No masks, no pretentions. Just...... REALness.
Needle in a haystack, maybe. Possible? Absolutely. I believe. Do you?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Right to be right
Joyce Meyer always seems to be talking directly to me. One of her latest Facebook posts still has my mind turning -
Wow. My right to be right. How long have I been clinging to that one? Seems I'm always right, right? I'm always justified in my feelings. I always have a valid reason for what I do. I will go to great lengths to show someone my view - try to make them understand where I'm coming from - prove that I know what I'm talking about.
But I'm learning as I go that nobody is right. And it really doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong. In fact, being wrong can be a good thing because it brings about new ways of looking at things and more effective life lessons. When we realize we are wrong, we change and grow.
It's not in being correct or error free that we are rewarded. It's our intent that eventually determines how much we gain from a relationship or situation. If we are self seeking when we act, we won't find fulfillment. It's only when we begin to act out of genuine care and love for others that we feel true reward. If we truly care for others, then being right comes secondary. Our primary goal is to nurture, protect and cherish them. We begin to put their emotional needs ahead of our own and therefore find our quest to be right can often be thrown out the window.....
However - there are always those times in our relationships where we begin to disagree. Or maybe we just have issues for which we find no compromise. Perhaps those are times where finding a solution is not the best use of our time. Some things are simply not fixable. And maybe that's where we must choose to walk in love and put our quest to be Queen of Correct aside. We don't have to prove our point. We don't have to know the answer. And we don't even have to eat crow and admit we're wrong. At these times, maybe we should just shift focus to what's important and that's our love for each other. Accept each other as we are and not on each others terms. Let go of our right to be right.
I find it ironic that the only One who really has the right to be right is also the only One who is capable of true love. When there is no solution and I find I'm completely incapable of being right, I go to Him. I trust Him with my quest for perfection. He pretty much summed up that the only way to be right is to learn how to love. He not only points that out time and time again in His word but also lived it and died for it. While I know I'll never completely grasp love's true meaning, I still search for it and try to understand it - for it is the only way to be right.
Which also reminds me of some silly 70's song lyrics ----
"If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right"
Perhaps Joyce has been listening to some retro Cd's :)
But I'm learning as I go that nobody is right. And it really doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong. In fact, being wrong can be a good thing because it brings about new ways of looking at things and more effective life lessons. When we realize we are wrong, we change and grow.
It's not in being correct or error free that we are rewarded. It's our intent that eventually determines how much we gain from a relationship or situation. If we are self seeking when we act, we won't find fulfillment. It's only when we begin to act out of genuine care and love for others that we feel true reward. If we truly care for others, then being right comes secondary. Our primary goal is to nurture, protect and cherish them. We begin to put their emotional needs ahead of our own and therefore find our quest to be right can often be thrown out the window.....
However - there are always those times in our relationships where we begin to disagree. Or maybe we just have issues for which we find no compromise. Perhaps those are times where finding a solution is not the best use of our time. Some things are simply not fixable. And maybe that's where we must choose to walk in love and put our quest to be Queen of Correct aside. We don't have to prove our point. We don't have to know the answer. And we don't even have to eat crow and admit we're wrong. At these times, maybe we should just shift focus to what's important and that's our love for each other. Accept each other as we are and not on each others terms. Let go of our right to be right.
I find it ironic that the only One who really has the right to be right is also the only One who is capable of true love. When there is no solution and I find I'm completely incapable of being right, I go to Him. I trust Him with my quest for perfection. He pretty much summed up that the only way to be right is to learn how to love. He not only points that out time and time again in His word but also lived it and died for it. While I know I'll never completely grasp love's true meaning, I still search for it and try to understand it - for it is the only way to be right.
Which also reminds me of some silly 70's song lyrics ----
"If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right"
Perhaps Joyce has been listening to some retro Cd's :)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Short, sweet and to the point
I think everyone knows someone who takes forever to tell you something or ask a question. They throw in details you don't need to know or already knew. It was probably even this person who told you, but they forgot that they had told you - lol. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves and I'm sure I became this way because of my brother - who has little to no tolerance for embellishment. I learned at an early age to just GET TO THE POINT !!!!
So then, it should be no surprise to me that God feels the same way! I bet I'm not the only one who didn't realize this. We've been taught in Sunday School to pray these long, beautifully worded prayers and to carve out time in our day to devote completely to prayer. But guess what - this is actually contradictory to what God tells us. He already knows our thoughts and concerns so he doesn't need the play by play. He simply needs the acknowledgement that we know He is in charge and ABLE to handle our needs/wants/concerns!
“Never stop praying.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NLT)
What this tells me is that He wants to hear from us all day long. Not that we have to be in continual prayer stance - but that to know that whenever we find ourselves with issues, we can go to him, voice our concern and then go about our day. Ever thought about how we text each other? Mostly simple things - quick questions, fleeting thoughts, etc. God wants that from us. He just wants to be on our minds as much as our friends and family are (and actually more so). Look at the Lord's prayer and recite it. It takes less than 30 seconds. That is the example of prayer Jesus gave to us. He taught us how..... It was not this long, drawn out, artfully worded script. It is short, sweet and to the point. Does God still want us to carve out time in our day for Him? Of course. But He also understands the humans that we are and knows we are terrible time managers. He is happy knowing that He is on our minds - just as we are when our children, friends, or relatives think of us.
Making ample time for God is important too but I think it comes naturally if we keep Him in our thoughts. Our own human relationships are a great example. When we need each other, we carve out the time. When we enjoy each other, we carve out the time. If we keep our peeps in our thoughts - it's only natural to make time to spend with them. Keep God in your circle. Send him a few mental text messages each day (i.e - prayer). The rest should fall into place.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
So then, it should be no surprise to me that God feels the same way! I bet I'm not the only one who didn't realize this. We've been taught in Sunday School to pray these long, beautifully worded prayers and to carve out time in our day to devote completely to prayer. But guess what - this is actually contradictory to what God tells us. He already knows our thoughts and concerns so he doesn't need the play by play. He simply needs the acknowledgement that we know He is in charge and ABLE to handle our needs/wants/concerns!
“Never stop praying.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NLT)
What this tells me is that He wants to hear from us all day long. Not that we have to be in continual prayer stance - but that to know that whenever we find ourselves with issues, we can go to him, voice our concern and then go about our day. Ever thought about how we text each other? Mostly simple things - quick questions, fleeting thoughts, etc. God wants that from us. He just wants to be on our minds as much as our friends and family are (and actually more so). Look at the Lord's prayer and recite it. It takes less than 30 seconds. That is the example of prayer Jesus gave to us. He taught us how..... It was not this long, drawn out, artfully worded script. It is short, sweet and to the point. Does God still want us to carve out time in our day for Him? Of course. But He also understands the humans that we are and knows we are terrible time managers. He is happy knowing that He is on our minds - just as we are when our children, friends, or relatives think of us.
Making ample time for God is important too but I think it comes naturally if we keep Him in our thoughts. Our own human relationships are a great example. When we need each other, we carve out the time. When we enjoy each other, we carve out the time. If we keep our peeps in our thoughts - it's only natural to make time to spend with them. Keep God in your circle. Send him a few mental text messages each day (i.e - prayer). The rest should fall into place.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sweet Freedom
I woke up this morning with this subject on my mind - not sure why really but "free" is a concept we all seek, right? Not just as it pertains to bondage but also to our stuff :) Free items are good - the are gifts in a way. Everyone appreciates a free meal, free drink or buy one get one kind of offer! When something is free that means we don't have to give up our own resources to receive it.
Freedom - in our lives is also a good thing. Our country was founded on this principle. As humans, we don't like to be told what to do or how to do it. We don't like to feel chained down or held to certain guidelines. We want the liberty to live our lives our way without someone else dictating the way we do things or limit how much we can obtain, etc. Even as children we long for the day to be out from under parental rule. This quest for freedom must be some kind of inherent need.
Problem is, we rarely find true freedom. There are rules that all of us must follow - whether clearly defined or not. With relationships, there are unspoken expectations and simple etiquette. With society there are cultural norms and written laws.
And why? For our own good? For protection? Or maybe..... because they in turn, allow us to actually experience the freedom we so crave.
So many things hold us in bondage - past mistakes, bad habits, poor attitudes, unhealthy desires. These usually result from our inadequate search for freedom. Ironic to say the least. Learning to break free or let go of these is incredibly difficult. I've been told its possible so I choose to believe. However, I'm not there yet and I feel intense internal struggle in my efforts.
There is the saying, "Freedom isn't free". Something free means you don't have to give your own resources to obtain - its a gift, you simply accept. "Free" is for the recipient but not for the giver. Someone, somewhere always pays for the gift. For me to be free, someone paid a debt, someone died, someone took away my bondage penalty. My gratitude is indescribable - so why then is it at times so difficult to simply accept the freedom God gives? Do we not recognize the barriers we put up?
I think it may have to do with the nature of the gift. Some gifts are meant to stand the test of time while others are only for a season. While I'm thankful for every gift I receive, I'm learning to recognize those that are temporary and treasure those that are permanent. Holding on to things that are fleeting will keep me in a prison of sorts. True freedom lies in knowing what's truly valuable and cleaving to it. God only gives permanent, valuable gifts. I believe I've made the connection: My own will = bondage; God's will = freedom. The challenge is making my own will be the same as God's. The link is to fully grasp the concept of love and grace.
Romans 6:14 ~ Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.
Galatians 5:13 ~ For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
Freedom - in our lives is also a good thing. Our country was founded on this principle. As humans, we don't like to be told what to do or how to do it. We don't like to feel chained down or held to certain guidelines. We want the liberty to live our lives our way without someone else dictating the way we do things or limit how much we can obtain, etc. Even as children we long for the day to be out from under parental rule. This quest for freedom must be some kind of inherent need.
Problem is, we rarely find true freedom. There are rules that all of us must follow - whether clearly defined or not. With relationships, there are unspoken expectations and simple etiquette. With society there are cultural norms and written laws.
And why? For our own good? For protection? Or maybe..... because they in turn, allow us to actually experience the freedom we so crave.
So many things hold us in bondage - past mistakes, bad habits, poor attitudes, unhealthy desires. These usually result from our inadequate search for freedom. Ironic to say the least. Learning to break free or let go of these is incredibly difficult. I've been told its possible so I choose to believe. However, I'm not there yet and I feel intense internal struggle in my efforts.
There is the saying, "Freedom isn't free". Something free means you don't have to give your own resources to obtain - its a gift, you simply accept. "Free" is for the recipient but not for the giver. Someone, somewhere always pays for the gift. For me to be free, someone paid a debt, someone died, someone took away my bondage penalty. My gratitude is indescribable - so why then is it at times so difficult to simply accept the freedom God gives? Do we not recognize the barriers we put up?
I think it may have to do with the nature of the gift. Some gifts are meant to stand the test of time while others are only for a season. While I'm thankful for every gift I receive, I'm learning to recognize those that are temporary and treasure those that are permanent. Holding on to things that are fleeting will keep me in a prison of sorts. True freedom lies in knowing what's truly valuable and cleaving to it. God only gives permanent, valuable gifts. I believe I've made the connection: My own will = bondage; God's will = freedom. The challenge is making my own will be the same as God's. The link is to fully grasp the concept of love and grace.
Romans 6:14 ~ Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.
Galatians 5:13 ~ For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Haunted
Because I'm still in a state of emotional healing, sometimes I read things that hit me pretty hard. The following quote keeps replaying in my mind:
When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows. (Renee Swope)
The more I rewind and replay this, the more I find little hurts from my childhood that are still haunting me today - though not in such an obvious way. I remember my preteen years thinking I needed to talk to someone - outside the family - someone neutral. I felt counseling was out of the question due to finances so I never asked and never sought help that I secretly longed for. Nothing drastic - just sadness and disappointment that were beginning to cloud my heart.
Then, as I got older, I began to see counseling as unnecessary. Surely I could handle just about anything life dealt me - I was a rational, reasonable young woman with my head on straight! And again - finances were in play. I'd much rather have a new outfit than pay for a counseling session. And again - the "I got this" attitude reigned supreme.
Now - many mistakes and many tears later - I am beginning to see that all that unresolved pain has been surfacing over the last several years and unfortunately, this time it isn't just affecting me. So much of it had been buried that as it came up, it not only covered me but spewed onto my innocent loved ones and likely cost me my marriage.
Funny how when we're sick we try to tough it out, but when it starts affecting our family, we go get help. So this tough girl finally did seek counseling and without it, I likely would have never had the aha moment that hit me today.
I have placed unrealistic expectations on those who love me. Why? Because years of disappointment and damaged emotion went untouched. I believe I expected my husband to be everything my father was lacking as a father to me and a husband to my mother. I created my own little version of happily ever after in my head and when reality didn't measure up, I began to blame my husband for that. As an adult when I finally began to repair my relationship with my father, he had a stroke which made that dream die and then caused me to put an unfair amount of pressure on my husband to be everything I had needed in my dad. It was an unconscious, unintentional but completely fatal error.
I know now what I should have done - beginning in those preteen years when I began to feel the pain of disappointment. I should have gone to my Heavenly Father and given my hurts to Him. I should have taken time to nurse my wounded emotions and learned that only God can heal those kinds of wounds. Self medication is completely useless for those kinds of scars. I needed to grasp the concept of forgiveness so I could release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. And lastly I now need to confess my sin of unrealistic expectation and let go of the idea that I have a right to "happily ever after". And I guess that is the purpose of this blog. Here it is, in black and white - an admission of my mistake and a quest for forgiveness.
I wouldn't expect a 13 year old girl to know what to do with damaged emotions so its not her I need to forgive. But I am now almost 40 and I know better than to bury the pain or cover up my mistakes. All I can do is go forward and try not make them again. I own my part in this and I am letting go of the blame for the part that others had. I've been given a clean slate and although it may get chalky from time to time, I've got a handy little eraser that can clean it up. I thank God for His ability to restore my clarity.
I've been hunting those skeletons in my closet for awhile now. Looks like I may have found them. With God's help, I believe I can chase them away and release the ghosts of my past into the infinite abyss where they will haunt me no more.
From now on, no more self-help remedies. No more "I got this" ideology. And no hurry on the healing. I will take my time, relying on His healing hand to get me through.
“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a
When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows. (Renee Swope)
The more I rewind and replay this, the more I find little hurts from my childhood that are still haunting me today - though not in such an obvious way. I remember my preteen years thinking I needed to talk to someone - outside the family - someone neutral. I felt counseling was out of the question due to finances so I never asked and never sought help that I secretly longed for. Nothing drastic - just sadness and disappointment that were beginning to cloud my heart.
Then, as I got older, I began to see counseling as unnecessary. Surely I could handle just about anything life dealt me - I was a rational, reasonable young woman with my head on straight! And again - finances were in play. I'd much rather have a new outfit than pay for a counseling session. And again - the "I got this" attitude reigned supreme.
Now - many mistakes and many tears later - I am beginning to see that all that unresolved pain has been surfacing over the last several years and unfortunately, this time it isn't just affecting me. So much of it had been buried that as it came up, it not only covered me but spewed onto my innocent loved ones and likely cost me my marriage.
Funny how when we're sick we try to tough it out, but when it starts affecting our family, we go get help. So this tough girl finally did seek counseling and without it, I likely would have never had the aha moment that hit me today.
I have placed unrealistic expectations on those who love me. Why? Because years of disappointment and damaged emotion went untouched. I believe I expected my husband to be everything my father was lacking as a father to me and a husband to my mother. I created my own little version of happily ever after in my head and when reality didn't measure up, I began to blame my husband for that. As an adult when I finally began to repair my relationship with my father, he had a stroke which made that dream die and then caused me to put an unfair amount of pressure on my husband to be everything I had needed in my dad. It was an unconscious, unintentional but completely fatal error.
I know now what I should have done - beginning in those preteen years when I began to feel the pain of disappointment. I should have gone to my Heavenly Father and given my hurts to Him. I should have taken time to nurse my wounded emotions and learned that only God can heal those kinds of wounds. Self medication is completely useless for those kinds of scars. I needed to grasp the concept of forgiveness so I could release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. And lastly I now need to confess my sin of unrealistic expectation and let go of the idea that I have a right to "happily ever after". And I guess that is the purpose of this blog. Here it is, in black and white - an admission of my mistake and a quest for forgiveness.
I wouldn't expect a 13 year old girl to know what to do with damaged emotions so its not her I need to forgive. But I am now almost 40 and I know better than to bury the pain or cover up my mistakes. All I can do is go forward and try not make them again. I own my part in this and I am letting go of the blame for the part that others had. I've been given a clean slate and although it may get chalky from time to time, I've got a handy little eraser that can clean it up. I thank God for His ability to restore my clarity.
I've been hunting those skeletons in my closet for awhile now. Looks like I may have found them. With God's help, I believe I can chase them away and release the ghosts of my past into the infinite abyss where they will haunt me no more.
From now on, no more self-help remedies. No more "I got this" ideology. And no hurry on the healing. I will take my time, relying on His healing hand to get me through.
“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a
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