Sweet Freedom

I woke up this morning with this subject on my mind - not sure why really but "free" is a concept we all seek, right? Not just as it pertains to bondage but also to our stuff :) Free items are good - the are gifts in a way. Everyone appreciates a free meal, free drink or buy one get one kind of offer! When something is free that means we don't have to give up our own resources to receive it.

Freedom - in our lives is also a good thing. Our country was founded on this principle. As humans, we don't like to be told what to do or how to do it. We don't like to feel chained down or held to certain guidelines. We want the liberty to live our lives our way without someone else dictating the way we do things or limit how much we can obtain, etc. Even as children we long for the day to be out from under parental rule. This quest for freedom must be some kind of inherent need.

Problem is, we rarely find true freedom. There are rules that all of us must follow - whether clearly defined or not. With relationships, there are unspoken expectations and simple etiquette. With society there are cultural norms and written laws.

And why? For our own good? For protection? Or maybe..... because they in turn, allow us to actually experience the freedom we so crave.

So many things hold us in bondage - past mistakes, bad habits, poor attitudes, unhealthy desires. These usually result from our inadequate search for freedom. Ironic to say the least. Learning to break free or let go of these is incredibly difficult. I've been told its possible so I choose to believe. However, I'm not there yet and I feel intense internal struggle in my efforts.

There is the saying, "Freedom isn't free". Something free means you don't have to give your own resources to obtain - its a gift, you simply accept. "Free" is for the recipient but not for the giver. Someone, somewhere always pays for the gift. For me to be free, someone paid a debt, someone died, someone took away my bondage penalty. My gratitude is indescribable - so why then is it at times so difficult to simply accept the freedom God gives? Do we not recognize the barriers we put up?

I think it may have to do with the nature of the gift. Some gifts are meant to stand the test of time while others are only for a season. While I'm thankful for every gift I receive, I'm learning to recognize those that are temporary and treasure those that are permanent. Holding on to things that are fleeting will keep me in a prison of sorts. True freedom lies in knowing what's truly valuable and cleaving to it. God only gives permanent, valuable gifts. I believe I've made the connection: My own will = bondage; God's will = freedom. The challenge is making my own will be the same as God's. The link is to fully grasp the concept of love and grace.

Romans 6:14 ~ Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Galatians 5:13 ~ For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.

Haunted

Because I'm still in a state of emotional healing, sometimes I read things that hit me pretty hard. The following quote keeps replaying in my mind:

When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows. (Renee Swope)

The more I rewind and replay this, the more I find little hurts from my childhood that are still haunting me today - though not in such an obvious way. I remember my preteen years thinking I needed to talk to someone - outside the family - someone neutral. I felt counseling was out of the question due to finances so I never asked and never sought help that I secretly longed for. Nothing drastic - just sadness and disappointment that were beginning to cloud my heart.

Then, as I got older, I began to see counseling as unnecessary. Surely I could handle just about anything life dealt me - I was a rational, reasonable young woman with my head on straight! And again - finances were in play. I'd much rather have a new outfit than pay for a counseling session. And again - the "I got this" attitude reigned supreme.

Now - many mistakes and many tears later - I am beginning to see that all that unresolved pain has been surfacing over the last several years and unfortunately, this time it isn't just affecting me. So much of it had been buried that as it came up, it not only covered me but spewed onto my innocent loved ones and likely cost me my marriage.

Funny how when we're sick we try to tough it out, but when it starts affecting our family, we go get help. So this tough girl finally did seek counseling and without it, I likely would have never had the aha moment that hit me today.

I have placed unrealistic expectations on those who love me. Why? Because years of disappointment and damaged emotion went untouched. I believe I expected my husband to be everything my father was lacking as a father to me and a husband to my mother. I created my own little version of happily ever after in my head and when reality didn't measure up, I began to blame my husband for that. As an adult when I finally began to repair my relationship with my father, he had a stroke which made that dream die and then caused me to put an unfair amount of pressure on my husband to be everything I had needed in my dad. It was an unconscious, unintentional but completely fatal error.

I know now what I should have done - beginning in those preteen years when I began to feel the pain of disappointment. I should have gone to my Heavenly Father and given my hurts to Him. I should have taken time to nurse my wounded emotions and learned that only God can heal those kinds of wounds. Self medication is completely useless for those kinds of scars. I needed to grasp the concept of forgiveness so I could release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. And lastly I now need to confess my sin of unrealistic expectation and let go of the idea that I have a right to "happily ever after". And I guess that is the purpose of this blog. Here it is, in black and white - an admission of my mistake and a quest for forgiveness.

I wouldn't expect a 13 year old girl to know what to do with damaged emotions so its not her I need to forgive. But I am now almost 40 and I know better than to bury the pain or cover up my mistakes. All I can do is go forward and try not make them again. I own my part in this and I am letting go of the blame for the part that others had. I've been given a clean slate and although it may get chalky from time to time, I've got a handy little eraser that can clean it up. I thank God for His ability to restore my clarity.

I've been hunting those skeletons in my closet for awhile now. Looks like I may have found them. With God's help, I believe I can chase them away and release the ghosts of my past into the infinite abyss where they will haunt me no more.

From now on, no more self-help remedies. No more "I got this" ideology. And no hurry on the healing. I will take my time, relying on His healing hand to get me through.

“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a

To Infinity and Beyond

Not often do I include a Facebook post in my blog - they are very different compartments in my brain - but today is special. Today marks an anniversary of sorts - 21 years ago that the most important relationship in my life was formed. On this day I met HB and for the last 21 years, he has been the center of my world. Even when I tried to oust him from that position, he remained - steady and true. So being the bold and courageous (or more so - impulsive) person that I am, I posted a status meant only for him:

~21 years ago today marked the beginning of a very good thing even if it has taken many twists and turns along the way. Not many friendships last a lifetime but this one stands the test of time and trial ♥ u :)

Our relationship has had definite peaks and valleys and we went through the lowest valley I've ever known a few months ago. However, we got through it and we are beginning to climb again. I'm not sure what rocks will be in our way as we climb or if we'll ever find the summit but one thing I know is that no matter how rocky it gets - we will always be connected. Its as if we are tied together by a safety cord that can't be broken. If one of us slips and falls the other one will fall too or the other one will hold steady and pull their partner up. Either way, we stay connected. I, for one, am blessed by this partnership and can't think of anyone else I'd rather climb mountains with. Our goal? The summit. Whether we get there or not is not my focus. I think most climbers would agree that you have to handle the journey one step at a time. Don't look too far forward and for sure, don't look back. AND most importantly - don't climb alone.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
⁹ Two are better than one because they have a good return for their hard work. ¹⁰ If either should fall, one can pick up the other. But how miserable are those who fall and don’t have a companion to help them up!

I think of this day as the birthday of our relationship. Happy Birthday HB.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

Sweeter

So - for a few weeks, I've been considering a question that should be simple to answer. It is one for which I know the reasons but have a difficult time putting them into words. The wording has been coming to me little by little but today it occurred to me that I'm making the question much more difficult than it really is. When singing with my womens ensemble in church, I realized - the song we were singing is the easiest, most accurate answer I can give. The song title? Sweeter.

Now for the question.....

Why do I go to church?

My struggle with this question was not really that the answer is complicated but more so with the questions that I could anticipate coming with it. I have had my own inner struggle over the fact that church is not always a wonderful place to be. I can't promise anyone that it will be a drama free zone. It is not always entertaining and the people there are not always pleasant. In fact, it can be the exact opposite at the times you need it to be your comfort. It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. I have known people that go to the bar at a certain time every week and meet with a specific group of people. In a way, that group has more comfort in it than any church group ever will - and I don't mean because of the alcohol. Many "happy hour" friends become closer than family. They build trust over time and have similar values in common. But I would venture to say it is rare for those friendships to stand the test of time. They are there for a season - while the bar scene fits your lifestyle or until your friend starts going to AA. (kidding.... but there is always that risk in a relationship of that nature)

I began to wonder as well if I go to church because I always have. I grew up going to church. Is it simply something my parents ingrained in me? While I do believe that is a small part of the reason, it is fractional at best. My brother is not a faithful church member and he was raised the same way I was. And I'm sure if I think for awhile, I can come up with many other traditions, habits or rituals my parents taught us that I did not continue as an adult. For instance - dressing up for holiday meals..... I prefer to spend most holidays in my pajamas :)

Do I attend church so my children will get a good religious/spirtual education? or even for free babysitting? That 2nd one was kind of a joke but I heard a lady talking to her friend in the dressing room at a clothing store yesterday and she remarked - I have 7 kids now (due to remarriage) - my kids go to church so I can have a little free time! Sad, but oh so true - and to some degree I think I'd be tempted to do the same if I had 7 kids! However, I don't have 7 kids. I have 2 really great low maintenance teenagers and lots of "me" time so that is not my reason for going to church either.

So why do I go? Why subject myself to the same old Bible stories I grew up hearing in Sunday School? Why go see the same old people every week? Why go sit a listen to a boring sermon? Why sing staunchy old hymns? And why above all else, do I want to associate myself with all those hypocrites???

And all I can say is that its just sweeter. Life is sweeter with a little spirituality mixed in. Religion has been around since the beginning of time. Its an institution that is rich in tradition and full of history. It nurtures my soul - even with the hypocrites mixed in. And the thing is - while outsiders may not really understand until they're a part, I think most of them see glimpses of this sweetness in most of us or they would not be curious. They like to throw out questions like the ones above to prove that living life their way is pretty sweet too - but I'd venture that deep down they are missing something. They have a void that just isn't filled by the world. They can't possibly know that those questions above are based on myths.

Can I promise they won't be bored? No - not every Sunday. Can I promise the music will be catchy and upbeat? No - not every Sunday. Can I promise that they won't encounter a few hypocrites? No - not ANY Sunday. What I can promise is that after attending for awhile, they will gain an understanding that we are all hypocrites, and that religion and spirituality may not always be fun and upbeat BUT that God loves us more than we could possibly comprehend and that He gave us church as a place of comfort and rest and friendship. Church is a place where we learn about His promises and come to know our family. It's like Cheers - where everybody knows your name - only better because it ties in more than our social need - it intertwines it with spirituality and teaches us about faith and grace.

So back to the simple answer. I go to church because life is sweeter that way. The lyrics below pretty much sum it up:

Everyday with you Lord, Is sweeter than the day before

Everyday with you Lord, Is sweeter than the day before

Every morning I will worship, Every evening I'll adore

'Cause every day with you is sweeter, sweeter than the day before.

It's also because of God's many promises. He is the only one who makes promises without conditions. He has made a new covenant with us. Unlike contracts that we enter into with people where the contract is broken by the failure of one party to adhere, God's covenants or contracts with us are in effect whether we hold to them or not. God holds to them regardless so His covenants only require the faithfulness of One. This passage pretty much sums it up in my mind:

Jeremiah 31:31-34

^31-32"That's right. The time is coming when I will make a brand-new covenant with Israel and Judah. It won't be a repeat of the covenant I made with their ancestors when I took their hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt. They broke that covenant even though I did my part as their Master." God's Decree.

^33-34"This is the brand-new covenant that I will make with Israel when the time comes. I will put my law within them—write it on their hearts!—and be their God. And they will be my people. They will no longer go around setting up schools to teach each other about God. They'll know me firsthand, the dull and the bright, the smart and the slow. I'll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I'll forget they ever sinned!" God's Decree.

Just as most of us gravitate toward the sweeter foods, so I gravitate toward the sweeter life with God. And if you have salty taste buds instead of sweet - Jesus just happens to be that too - "Salt of the earth". His love gives the right seasoning at the right time and He taylor makes it to suit your particular taste or craving. In my mind that's just SUH-WEEEEEET !!!!

Grounded

I'm afraid I've been grounded. Perhaps this is a punishment of sorts - not that I've been out of line necessarily but that I've been needing time to retreat and find my perspective. I've tried to write a few times but it seems that my blogs have lacked a certain flow or rhythm so I have not posted any of them. I've had too much on my mind and I think that shows when I sit down to write. I can't categorize my thoughts into a logical essay.

My sanity has been saved by random Bible verses that come my way. Today I received the following:

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening — it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)


I'm still in the midst of the disciplinary process. It's not as painful as it was when it started and things are beginning to level out, but yet there is still an occasional sting and agonizing ache present on random occasions. I would imagine that it is much like losing a limb. I've been told that when you lose an arm or leg, you can still feel it in a way - phantom sensation or phantom pain. I'm not sure how long this lasts, but I guess eventually you either get used to it or quit feeling it.

The verse above gives me quite a bit of hope. For the last few months, I've been craving peace. The script above promises that. Some day I will be at peace with this particular circumstance I'm dealing with now. Some day, I will be stronger because of it. Some day, perhaps, I can help someone else through it.

When I discipline my own children or force a "time out" upon them, it is to shape them, mold them or make them think about what is best. I remove distraction from them so that all they have is their thoughts. I never see this grounding period as a very lengthy time, but from their perspective it may seem like forever. I am now in their shoes - this grounding period is taking much longer than I feel I want or need it to. But - I guess you can't hurry healing. It happens on its own time and I just need to realize that I am under God's protection while it ensues.

He is trying to give me a peaceful harvest. It is up to me to be patient and .... "Be still and know that He is God."

Remote Control

I have written about my inner control freak on many occasions but because I'm working on evicting that part of my personality I came to a very poignant revelation. God is most definitely a man.

Why?

Just as every man must have possession of the remote control, so must God.

And silly me, I've been trying to wrestle Him for it! Thing is, I really don't even need or want the remote. He has enabled me to get up and change the channel myself if I really want to BUT he also can change it back as soon as I sit down. God's will is done whether we like it or not. He can turn up the volume, change our channel and even program our DVR.

I am here for His viewing pleasure and at any point in time, if my programming does not please Him - He may decide to channel surf for awhile. Good thing His remote allows for viewing of all our stations. I know He wouldn't want to miss even one episode of our daily soap opera lives.

I don't need the remote control. I only want to watch God's network. I want His programming to be mirrored in me - to be God's sister station. So I'm handing the remote back to Him and letting Him choose the volume, the channel and even what gets put on my DVR.

Up in the Air.....

I haven't written in awhile - not for lack of things to say but more because I have so many things running through my mind that I am having trouble categorizing my thoughts. Emotions are once again at high alert.

I think its no coincidence that the storms brewing on the east coast coincide with the clouds hovering over my thoughts.

Two job interviews and other 'possibilities' will raise hopes a bit - but when one opportunity is shattered and the other is looking ominous, the doubts begin to creep in.

Thing is, the old me would have just let the emotion rise and let common sense fly out the window. The old me would have let the fleshy side of me take over and handle it all. by. myself. That girl had to have control. That girl didn't know that dependence is a very good thing.

This girl -( though admittedly tried initially to revert back to old patterns )- has learned that hope should not be in earthly possibilites or people. When things are up in the air, my hope is also "up in the air" but not in the way that sounds. It has nothing to do with uncertainty but everything to do with trust. Life is not for me to handle on my own but for me to give to God and trust that He will take care of me and my future. This time around, when disappointment struck, I went to Him and gave control back. He knows my anxiety but He also knows my long term needs and desires. This time, instead of acting - I am letting Him do it.

Does it mean that the disappointment doesn't still sting? Not at all. I'm also feeling very defeated. But just as a storm eventually subsides, so will the pain of rejection. It's just my time to weather the storm and be ready to repair the damage it leaves behind.

And thankfully - the sun eventually comes out after a storm. Max Lucado (wow, he's good) said it well - "Christ lived the life we could not live and took the punishment we could not take to offer the hope we cannot resist." My hope is up in the air and that is where I will strive to keep it.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ----Jeremiah 29:11