Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
they'll complete the assignment I gave them. (Isaiah 55:10-11)
Last summer I had two flower pots by my front door filled with the most beautiful, vibrant red geraniums. They were dutifully watered and cared for but still began to wilt and lose color. Upon further inspection I began to realize the pots did not have holes so the water could leak out. I loved the pots and did not want to have to replant the flowers so holes were drilled into the bottom so the excess could drain away. It was only a few days before the flowers perked up and regained their vibrant hue once more.
After thinking about this and reading the scripture above, I have begun to realize that I was filling up with water and had no holes for far too long. God loves the vessel that is me and has a purpose for me right where I am. He saw me wilting and losing my color, so I think he placed this huge hole in my heart so that the excess fluid would drain away. That is where I am now. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have the last few weeks of my life. I'm still in the draining process. My tears are to my soul as the rain from heaven is to the earth. My tears are helping me grow and blossom, producing seeds of experience providing the food of wisdom for those I may interact with in the future. Just as God has a purpose for the rain, He has a purpose for these tears.
I long to have the full, rich, vibrant blooms of a healthy flower. So for now, I will embrace these tears and trust God to drain the unhealthy buildup out of my heart.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Air
I came across an old favorite of mine tonight. No, I don't listen to classical music often but the song Air by Bach was randomly packaged on my new tablet device. As I listened I began to realize that this is a beautiful work of art that I have been in love with since my youth. I had simply forgotten just how moving it really is.
Then, as I listened, I began to mourn again. This time, however, that mourning took on a whole new meaning. Just as that song is treasured in my heart, so will be my love of 21 years.
Once upon a time, I played that song on horn and I played it so well that I got a perfect rating at contest. How and why was I able to play it so well? Because I felt it with all my heart. Now I know those feelings are not gone but i neglected to nurture them and hence lost the passion I once had for this kind of music. I neglected to practice and work because I got burned out and then made room for other things in my life.
To hear it again is bittersweet.
I see now that is what has happened in my marriage. Not just on my side, but his as well. The music will forever be with us as will be the sentiment, but we have moved in different directions. We will continue to cross paths but will have forgotten the melody. However, there will be times when the song plays randomly and loudly in our hearts. And I know that when that happens I will not be able to resist savoring every note.
Our marriage was made of sweet music. It just got overplayed. I will never regret the practice time for it gave me a gift I will have forever. Likely it will never get played again, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen often and hum along.
Then, as I listened, I began to mourn again. This time, however, that mourning took on a whole new meaning. Just as that song is treasured in my heart, so will be my love of 21 years.
Once upon a time, I played that song on horn and I played it so well that I got a perfect rating at contest. How and why was I able to play it so well? Because I felt it with all my heart. Now I know those feelings are not gone but i neglected to nurture them and hence lost the passion I once had for this kind of music. I neglected to practice and work because I got burned out and then made room for other things in my life.
To hear it again is bittersweet.
I see now that is what has happened in my marriage. Not just on my side, but his as well. The music will forever be with us as will be the sentiment, but we have moved in different directions. We will continue to cross paths but will have forgotten the melody. However, there will be times when the song plays randomly and loudly in our hearts. And I know that when that happens I will not be able to resist savoring every note.
Our marriage was made of sweet music. It just got overplayed. I will never regret the practice time for it gave me a gift I will have forever. Likely it will never get played again, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen often and hum along.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Love? what is that?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13
This is a passage most of us have read - if only at weddings. It is very commonly used because it melts our hearts. The poetic, sentimental phrasing of the words here elicit fond emotion because it is what we all long for. But is it something we all do?
I have always felt it easy for me to love others and I could define the ways that I do that here. But this morning, this passage hit me in a different light. At first glance I read the words and think it is a description of just how love works, easy - just like me. But then I think of those who hurt me - those who do not understand this passage at all. And as I was taking inventory of the many hurts in my life, I began to realize that honestly, I don't understand it either.
Love would not take inventory of past hurts.
I am sure I could list more ways I have missed the mark on this topic but thats not the direction I want to take. It really doesn't matter at this point and it doesn't help me to dwell on past mistakes or misunderstandings. All I can do is go forward and begin to learn how to truly understand the concept of love.
It is somewhat frustrating to me however because I don't believe that any of us can truly understand the complexity of this word. I am also beginning to think that none of us are even truly capable of loving others. We don't really even love ourselves so how in the world can we love someone else the way should?
My answer at this time in my life? Let God do it. When something is too big to handle or too hard for me to understand, there is really no other option. I absolutely can't love anyone.... unless I let God love me.
If you don't let someone love you, eventually you are replaced. That is human nature. And even though I know God will love me regardless of if I let Him - I can't truly experience love of any kind if I don't let Him in. Love is reciprocal - you have to give it to get it. God has this wonderful gift for me but if I don't unwrap it, I'll never know how truly precious it is. His idea of reciprocation is not to give something back to Him, but to pay it forward.
Because I am human, I will never fully grasp what love means. God knows this. He doesn't ask me to understand it. He just wants to be able to use me to show HIS love. The more I do this, the better my comprehension will be and my life will begin to reflect His love so others may gain some understanding as well. I am truly humbled by this challenge.
..... Faith, hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love.
This is a passage most of us have read - if only at weddings. It is very commonly used because it melts our hearts. The poetic, sentimental phrasing of the words here elicit fond emotion because it is what we all long for. But is it something we all do?
I have always felt it easy for me to love others and I could define the ways that I do that here. But this morning, this passage hit me in a different light. At first glance I read the words and think it is a description of just how love works, easy - just like me. But then I think of those who hurt me - those who do not understand this passage at all. And as I was taking inventory of the many hurts in my life, I began to realize that honestly, I don't understand it either.
Love would not take inventory of past hurts.
I am sure I could list more ways I have missed the mark on this topic but thats not the direction I want to take. It really doesn't matter at this point and it doesn't help me to dwell on past mistakes or misunderstandings. All I can do is go forward and begin to learn how to truly understand the concept of love.
It is somewhat frustrating to me however because I don't believe that any of us can truly understand the complexity of this word. I am also beginning to think that none of us are even truly capable of loving others. We don't really even love ourselves so how in the world can we love someone else the way should?
My answer at this time in my life? Let God do it. When something is too big to handle or too hard for me to understand, there is really no other option. I absolutely can't love anyone.... unless I let God love me.
If you don't let someone love you, eventually you are replaced. That is human nature. And even though I know God will love me regardless of if I let Him - I can't truly experience love of any kind if I don't let Him in. Love is reciprocal - you have to give it to get it. God has this wonderful gift for me but if I don't unwrap it, I'll never know how truly precious it is. His idea of reciprocation is not to give something back to Him, but to pay it forward.
Because I am human, I will never fully grasp what love means. God knows this. He doesn't ask me to understand it. He just wants to be able to use me to show HIS love. The more I do this, the better my comprehension will be and my life will begin to reflect His love so others may gain some understanding as well. I am truly humbled by this challenge.
..... Faith, hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The Good Life?
Dealing with alot this week. The hurt goes too deep even for me to write about. So I distract myself with books and the following comes from a paragraph in the book Crazy Love and quoted by David Goetz:
Too much of the good life ends up being toxic, deforming us spiritually. A lot of things are good by themselves, but all of it together keeps us from living healthy, fruitful lives for God.
This just stuck in my head this morning. I think that I was raised in the good life, grew up expecting the good life, and left my marriage expecting the good life to be even better. It has become toxic to me. And whether anyone agrees with me or my decision is really not my concern. My concern should be with what God thinks of me. God knows my heart. God knows my intent. And though I'm very much still distracted by the world, He knows I am still making effort to get the good life out of my system and get the GOD life back in.
I am also studying the life of David. God called him a man after his own heart. I relate SO well to David. He was such a screw up - as am I - but look how God used him! God knew his heart and I believe my heart is very similar even if marred and torn. God will take my heart, heal it and use me like He used David if only I will shift my focus away from that habitual good life I so love.
1 Samuel 16:7
God does not see people the same way people see. People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.
I plan on holding firm to the verse above.
Too much of the good life ends up being toxic, deforming us spiritually. A lot of things are good by themselves, but all of it together keeps us from living healthy, fruitful lives for God.
This just stuck in my head this morning. I think that I was raised in the good life, grew up expecting the good life, and left my marriage expecting the good life to be even better. It has become toxic to me. And whether anyone agrees with me or my decision is really not my concern. My concern should be with what God thinks of me. God knows my heart. God knows my intent. And though I'm very much still distracted by the world, He knows I am still making effort to get the good life out of my system and get the GOD life back in.
I am also studying the life of David. God called him a man after his own heart. I relate SO well to David. He was such a screw up - as am I - but look how God used him! God knew his heart and I believe my heart is very similar even if marred and torn. God will take my heart, heal it and use me like He used David if only I will shift my focus away from that habitual good life I so love.
1 Samuel 16:7
God does not see people the same way people see. People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.
I plan on holding firm to the verse above.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Blue...
So most of this blog will be copied and pasted but I want to refer back to it because the info is useful to me. I just took a personality test and it is amazingly accurate. I am blue - not in that I'm depressed or melancholy but that is my personality color. TRUE BLUE! The description is pretty much spot on:
Congratulations, Amy, you are a BLUE personality.[I happen to love that it says congratulations :)] The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).
There is much, much more to the whole color code theory but it is really eye opening. It helps me see what I want going forward. A friend also shared this with me today and it really makes sense:
1. Spiritual chemistry creates love
2. Conversational chemistry creates communication.
3. Emotional chemistry generates affection
4. Intellectual chemistry creates interest
5. Physical chemistry generates desire
So - as I mull over the thought of venturing out into the dating world, I have written these things down and intend to read them daily. Is it possible to find all of these in one person? I guess only time will tell.
Congratulations, Amy, you are a BLUE personality.[I happen to love that it says congratulations :)] The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).
There is much, much more to the whole color code theory but it is really eye opening. It helps me see what I want going forward. A friend also shared this with me today and it really makes sense:
1. Spiritual chemistry creates love
2. Conversational chemistry creates communication.
3. Emotional chemistry generates affection
4. Intellectual chemistry creates interest
5. Physical chemistry generates desire
So - as I mull over the thought of venturing out into the dating world, I have written these things down and intend to read them daily. Is it possible to find all of these in one person? I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Journey
I have begun to realize that our lives are a seemingly neverending journey. Eventually we get to our destination but we are not clued in to the timing on that. We have nice rest stops along the way but between those, we have no idea what kind of road or weather conditions we will run into.
One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I have failed to realize the destination.
I have been wandering around aimlessly - searching - for who knows what! What a waste of precious time. It has done nothing but frustrate me, wear me down and tear me up. And all the while I've had the roadmap in my possession but was too stubborn to look at it.
It is a very detailed map but not as difficult as I once thought. The directions are clear but I have to be open to taking them. I see the beautiful picture of my destination fully knowing that the picture is not even a fraction of how wonderful that place truly is. I long to get there.
The road ahead is as long as the road I've been traveling, but now that I have the picture it seems so much more worthwhile.
So I will continue on with all the unknown weather conditions and road hazards ahead, savor each sweet rest stop in between and try my best to keep that road map within my grip.
I just very much don't want to be alone in his journey. I know I have the ultimate Navigator but I want YOU to come with me as well.
One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I have failed to realize the destination.
I have been wandering around aimlessly - searching - for who knows what! What a waste of precious time. It has done nothing but frustrate me, wear me down and tear me up. And all the while I've had the roadmap in my possession but was too stubborn to look at it.
It is a very detailed map but not as difficult as I once thought. The directions are clear but I have to be open to taking them. I see the beautiful picture of my destination fully knowing that the picture is not even a fraction of how wonderful that place truly is. I long to get there.
The road ahead is as long as the road I've been traveling, but now that I have the picture it seems so much more worthwhile.
So I will continue on with all the unknown weather conditions and road hazards ahead, savor each sweet rest stop in between and try my best to keep that road map within my grip.
I just very much don't want to be alone in his journey. I know I have the ultimate Navigator but I want YOU to come with me as well.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
THAT guy!
I am so newly single that I'm sure I really don't get it yet, but part of the process is coming to terms with my new status. Although I'm not ready to date, the freedom is still there so its always in the back of my mind. My feeling is that its best to know what I'm looking for before I put myself out there and I find that I still go back to those unrealistic fairy tale expectations. That in and of itself is a pretty big red flag that I'm definitely not ready. In entertaining that thought however, I keep wishing for that one man that would be willing to move heaven and earth to be with me. Tonight I was feeling rather down because in my heart of hearts I know there is no man that could fulfill that dream.
You know what God said about that? He reminded me that He IS that guy! There truly is no man who can be everything I want. There is no man or woman here on earth that will never let me down. But I have God and He is always here - always ready to hold me - always excited to see me - always available when I need Him - AND He already moves Heaven and Earth...just for ME :) Ok - and you too. That's whats great about Him - He is all that to everyone, not just me and it makes me want to fall in love with Him all the more.
So once again, after a very trying day - full of anger and tears - God pulls me close and comforts me. It's the gentle way he shows me that my focus is wrong and softly turns my head back the direction it needs to go. My goal is not to lean on men, but to lean on Him. My thoughts may keep wandering, but somehow, some way - my father steers me back to the right path. Even when it all seems hopeless, He shows me my hope is in Him. When I finally am able to know this on my own - then He will give me just what I need. Until then, this painstaking process is the only way I can learn that it's actually through dependence that we find freedom. Independence may seem to signify strength but that is only man's view - for it actually creates bondage to self. When we give that up, then we find the peace we were yearning for.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5
You know what God said about that? He reminded me that He IS that guy! There truly is no man who can be everything I want. There is no man or woman here on earth that will never let me down. But I have God and He is always here - always ready to hold me - always excited to see me - always available when I need Him - AND He already moves Heaven and Earth...just for ME :) Ok - and you too. That's whats great about Him - He is all that to everyone, not just me and it makes me want to fall in love with Him all the more.
So once again, after a very trying day - full of anger and tears - God pulls me close and comforts me. It's the gentle way he shows me that my focus is wrong and softly turns my head back the direction it needs to go. My goal is not to lean on men, but to lean on Him. My thoughts may keep wandering, but somehow, some way - my father steers me back to the right path. Even when it all seems hopeless, He shows me my hope is in Him. When I finally am able to know this on my own - then He will give me just what I need. Until then, this painstaking process is the only way I can learn that it's actually through dependence that we find freedom. Independence may seem to signify strength but that is only man's view - for it actually creates bondage to self. When we give that up, then we find the peace we were yearning for.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5
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