Tomorrow? Matt 6:34

Planning for tomorrow is time well spent; worrying about tomorrow is time wasted. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. (Matt 6:34)

Why do I worry, why do I fret? Why does it matter to me today what tomorrow will bring? Do I really have any control over what happens tomorrow?

I guess I like to think that I do. But more often than not, the things I plan for don't work out. AND more often than not, when they don't work out I actually end up liking the end result much better than I would have had I gotten my own way.

There is really only one certainty about tomorrow. There WILL be some kind of adversity. There isn't a day that goes by in our lives that we don't deal with some kind of disappointment, hurt or conflict. I would be very skeptical of anyone who says their life is all polka dots and daisies, or smooth sailing or some other fairy tale version of Utopia. This just doesn't happen. It may be even more adversity filled for those of us that have a relationship with Christ. Life can't be easy for if it were, how would we learn to truly trust in our Lord?

So - once again I've been humbled enough to see that I am to proceed as planned without worrying about the outcome. The planning part is still worthwhile even if it doesn't work out. The planning keeps us occupied so that the little adversities that hit don't devastate like they might otherwise. My main focus, however, needs to be on today. What can I do right now this very minute to minimize the adversity I'm dealing with now? Let it go. Give it to God. Look to Him for my value and not to man. Be open and willing to God's guidance while resting in my very favorite place to be - His palm.

The plan for freedom from worry and anxiety - make the conscious, volitional choice every day of my life that my thoughts and actions will demonstrate that the kingdom of God is priority in this world which is passing away. (Phil 4:8) Also to know that seeking treasure is not necessarily a bad thing - but its in knowing where to find that treasure which is certainly not present here on earth.

Oh how I love the old hymns. They truly summarize it all!
My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where those abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,
By faith, on Heaven’s table land,
A higher plane than I have found;
Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

Matthew 6:21

"Whatever we treasure the most controls us, whether we admit it or not"
or another version:
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"

Matthew 6 speaks of 2 of the greatest temptations we face as Christians. 1 - the temptaton to seek to be noticed as religious people of God in order to gain the approval of men. 2 - seeking the treasures of this earth.
The question is where is my heart really? Is it seeking self or is it seeking a real relationship with God? The fact that I call myself a control freak, pretty much sums it up. If I am in control, my treasure seeking is all about ME.

And I am reminded of a favorite hymn:
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

If God is my vision - my best thought - sooner or later He will also be my treasure.

I know where my heart is and I know of the treasure there. The motive is pure but but perhaps the emotion is untrue? It is a distraction and prohibits me seeing the real treasure Christ has in store for me. It's hard not to look past the gem I see here on earth but I have to know that there is more that God wants for me, from me. It is currently blinding me but I realized today that by having this distraction, God is asking me to relinquish control and let Him lead me. If my vision is askew, there is no other option.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

But Not To Me by Sara Teasdale

The April night is still and sweet

With flowers on every tree;

Peace comes to them on quiet feet,

But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast

Where I shall never be;

Love comes to-night to all the rest,

But not to me.

Trigger Anxiety

Know how it used to be that when an animal was suffering, many times the farmer/rancher/cowboy would have to "put it out of its misery" ?

I liken that to my marriage.

But its more like the beloved dog who needs to be put down because of a fatal illness. You know it needs to be done, but it is just so hard to let go.

I'm in the final weeks of this process and I think I've lunged into panic mode. I'm now looking for any glimmer of hope that we could be healed from this horrible disease. It doesn't appear the medicine has had any effect and instead, the cancer has spread. It is now out of my hands.

We are suffering but I'm just not sure I can pull the trigger.

What Can I Say?

So ironic - when a tune pops up in your head and you hum it, not thinking about the lyrics. Then you realize that the lyrics actually fit the mood you're in. Carrie Underwood got in my head today:
I hate to think all you had of me
Is a memory I left you, place between
what was meant to be
And the mess that it turned into

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number, but it's been so long
It's never easy, it's like tryin' to spin the world the other way
What can I say?

I just don't know what to say. I'm filled with so many different emotions that I don't know how to process them all. The main one is that I just feel so broken. I'm trying to see that as a good thing - but broken things tend to hurt. I feel so sorry for my part in the failure even though I know it alone is not responsible. I feel helpess, hopeless, powerless. And again those are probably good things because only then can I really give up and just wait. Wait for God's guiding hand to show us the way and get us out of this very deep, dark valley. Then maybe He'll spin the world the other way. What can I say?

Broken

The epoxy sealed heart is breaking again. The shell is still hard on the outside but inside the glued back pieces have cracked and some of them are loose - just getting tossled about with each step I take.

How can one go about mending those broken pieces with that hard exterior shell still in place?

It's certainly no job for me.

I know the Great Physician has a plan. Will He break the shell or soften it? Either way, to make me whole again he will have to get inside.

Of course,

Of course I miss you....

It's so hard not to fill the hurt with anger.

I once gave you my heart - my whole heart. When you took it, I thought and expected you would treasure it. But little by little you got careless and started neglecting it. So little by little, I took back small pieces and you never even noticed. I did this until one day, I had my whole heart back. I glued the pieces back together and sealed them with epoxy until my heart became a solid mass.

I just don't think I can soften it now.

Perhaps, in the future I can tear off little pieces to give to someone else, but I'm rather certain that no one can ever have my whole heart again.