Master Manipulator

The Old Testament just makes me laugh sometimes. My Old Testament passage today was about Sarah. We've all heard her story a few dozen times I'm sure. How desparate she was to have a child and how it just didn't happen for her. So what did she do? She decided to have Abraham marry her maid Hagar so they could conceive and she could have a family that way.... How Jerry Springer of her! I'm sure it seemed a great idea at the time but as often happens when we try to manipulate our circumstances, it back fired on her. I would imagine she and Hagar were pretty tight before all of this - how else would Sarah pick her to have a child with her husband? But as soon as Hagar became pregnant, the jealousy and resentment set in with poor Sarah and she got mean. She was so mean in fact, that Hagar ran away. God sent an angel to tell Hagar to go back and take the abuse! I can't imagine why God would want her back in an abusive situation but He did. I think I can understand Sarah's reaction - not that I agree with it - but as awful as she was through this, God still blessed her late in life with her own son and allowed her to be the mother of many important generations to come. This is not just Jerry Springer material, I think Dr. Phil could tape a few interesting episodes from this as well.

I guess why it intrigues me so is that many times through the Old Testament we see God's people behaving badly. We see them hurting each other, cheating, telling lies, being jealous, stealing, etc. But somehow, some way God still used these people and often used their sin in a way that accomplished His goals. (or I guess more appropriately worked around their sin). I have a tendency to want to manipulate my sitation as well. I am admittedly alot like Sarah. I grow unhappy about something and feel empowered to change it. Often when I do manipulate, I regret it later OR I get like Sarah....jealous and resentful. But sometimes - I see where my action might have actually been the best thing even though it may have not worked out the way I thought it would. I find God used that situation for His greater good even though my intentions were manipulative. It is such a mystery to me how this happens but I see it ALL the time!

So what should I take from this? God is in charge and I know this. But, like Sarah, I'm impatient and ready to act. I certainly don't want to end up jealous, resentful and abusive so I hesitate. I try to wait upon God to do His thing. But I'm just itching to go for it.... Regardless, I believe He will work around whatever I do. What would have been different if Sarah had waited on God? Would her life have been better? How would Hagar have been different? Maybe Sarah and Hagar would have remained BFFs but Hagar would have never had Ishmael. It is my opinion that Hagar would have endured a lifetime of abuse if that's what it took to have her son... but maybe not. And poor Abraham....caught in that love triangle. PSH! You know he had to have loved it - 2 women fighting over him... *hee*

Ok back to work.... just had to do a little word purge. That passage was buggin me this morning.

Maturity.

The first 20 years of my life was spent growing from a child into an adult. The next 20 years has been spent learning how to be an adult. Now that I've almost got that down, I really don't want to waste the last half of my life in a state of dissatisfaction. I find myself looking at life as it is and trying to fight off a sense of dissappointment. I have no reason to feel this way....do I? And if no reason exists, then why is this feeling so strong?

I know exactly what I want.

At what point is living by faith jumping off and doing what your heart says and at what point is living by faith doing what your brain says? Who is driving that faith? And what part of it is simply being grounded by fear? I won't simply accept the standard Sunday School answers for my life. I don't accept all parts of the Bible as literal. There is too much that has already been adapted through the years to simply say that the meaning has never changed or isn't constantly changing. I don't believe God works that way....

Those who know me the best tell me exactly what I DON'T want to hear. They have my best interest at heart. I know they care a great deal. But it still stings a little when it comes out. It hurts.... And that is when I cry.

The lump in the pit of my stomach is back. That is a pretty solid indicator that there is no peace in this.

I am ultimately the author of my life. God is there if I seek Him. I feel like I'm seeking Him daily, hourly even. He's telling me right now that life can't be easy - that I've coasted way too long and now I have difficult decisions ahead. He won't tell me how to make them however. And that makes me angry. I'm incredibly angry. I feel abandoned. Just when I need Him most, He will not guide me.

I just want to feel peace. There is only one place I feel that now and that place is off limits. I am being disciplined...grounded like a teenager. and all I want is what has been taken away. Being an adult is overrated for sure. If maturity is our goal, then maybe I'm not as goal oriented as I once thought. I'll take childlike faith any day.

The menu

My father ran the family restaurant in my childhood years. The restaurant was started in the 1950's by my grandparents and after a brief time out on his own, my dad decided to move home and take over the business so my grandparents could semi-retire (my grandfather never retired - he was too much of a wheeler dealer, a trait he passed down to my brother). I learned at an early age that the restaurant business was brutally hard work and would prove to keep my dad on his toes. Every Monday, the restaurant was closed but dad felt it important to eat out that night at other establishments so he could stay in touch with the current trends and practices of his competition. We visited many different restaurants on Monday nights and I always looked forward to going. It didn't take long for me to pick my favorites and it seemed as if my choices were pretty much in line with the rest of the family. What was the common theme among the best? Those with limited menus... for it seems it was at those places that the food was always best. They may not have had many choices but everything they made, they did with excellence. By contrast, the restaurants that may have had the most choices, never seemed to have any one thing that was spectacular and we also found that the service seemed to be lacking as well. Perhaps the wait staff could not keep up with the choices? got confused? got orders wrong?

So it seems with life. When my choices are limited, that is when I am able to live with excellence. It's when I try to expand my menu that I end up falling short. Problem is, my palate has gotten bland. I'm tired of eating at the same place every day as the menu is rather stale. I'm craving something different or my appetite has increased. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want, but I keep looking at my limited menu and feeling less than enthused. There are new options before me/us but it's hard to know what menu items to cut in order to make room for the new. I don't believe in simply adding to the menu because that's when quality and service issues arise. And what's the point in expanding if you can't advance with success?

And it still doesn't keep me from looking at the endless menu possibilities and wondering how each item could add to my own menu of life. I guess that's where I need to go consult with the Chef. Perhaps He has His own ideas of how vast my menu should be. I try very hard to have faith in His abilities and promises to make my establishment superior but there is still the fear and doubt that somehow I will miss some direction He gives, or my will might override His. Most mistakes are correctable errors, but not always with the delicacies of life. So for now, I am waiting a bit longer, sampling some more food and hoping the right taste test will help guide me to the perfect menu revision.

Recipe gone wrong.

I don't really know what to write tonight, but I feel the need to write. I have so many mixed emotions going on right now, it's like my heart has been pureed in the blender with a bunch of other junk. I'm sure somehow I made this mess...like a recipe gone bad. I followed the recipe to a T but turns out that I must have written it down wrong because the dish is just simply not good enough to put on the table. I feel a sense of panic as well - like my dinner guests are set to arrive in 30 minutes and I just ruined the meal !!!

So now what? Do I run to the deli and substitute store bought food and try to pass it off as something I made? Do I try to rummage up something quick even though it won't be my best meal? Or do I simply admit my mistake when the guests arrive and take them all out to dinner?

The last option appears the easiest - but in reality could be just as difficult as the others and definitely more costly. The middle option is a challenge but could turn out just as wrong as my first attempt. The first is just a lie and nothing good ever comes from living a lie.

Turns out, in this situation, there is no easy answer. I know what I would do if this were a literal scenario but when it comes to the underlying issue I'm writing about, I waver. It's never easy to admit failure, but its even worse when you can't arrive at a reasonable fix. Mistakes are often good if they are correctable. They help you grow and you learn from them. I'm not sure if this is a correctable error however. I'm afraid it is a permanent mark.... not only on on my heart and soul - but also on the hearts of those I love.

So again I pray... and God reaffirmed my belief in praying for what I want today in my daily reading. Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Will His answer be what I want? Ultimately I believe it will. Maybe not my answer, but His. For He knows what's best and I will trust in that - even if it pains me today.

Exposed. Proceed with caution!

I write because it helps me express myself verbally. I write what I feel. But sometimes what I feel is not safe to share with the world....or at least I don't feel safe sharing it with the world. I could lock my blog and only allow subscribers to view it - but I really don't want to do that. So I often write in code. Those that know me well often think they can decipher my code and often they do just that. However, at times my code is misinterpreted and they get the wrong idea. I just want to call attention to that fact and issue fair warning that what you may *think* you are reading may be something totally opposite of what was intended.

In the past, I have had issues from not sharing my feelings with those around me. I have been a people pleaser so therefore, I used to put aside my needs or wants in order to make everyone else happy. What happened is that I ended up making myself very, very discontent. For the last 2 years or so, I have been working on being more transparent and I have been fairly successful in doing this without ticking anyone off too much. I will say now that I am on the road to finding contentment.... just not quite there yet. I have thoughts and feelings that confuse me and make me feel conflicted on a daily basis. This blog helps me work all that out.

My writings are often creative in nature. They may be pretend scenarios of situations I hope to encounter some day. This most definitely has been taken the wrong way by a few. I have taken down a few of my posts for this reason. This tempts me to quit writing ... or to write with extreme caution about what I say, think or feel but then that squelches any creativity I may need to express.

So I'm not going to do that. I'm going to keep writing and will write with clarity and purpose. It will be like the freshly cleaned patio door - you know the one - where someone thinks its open and walks right into it only to discover they should have been more careful ! But because I'm the homeowner here and I don't want my guests to get injured, my door will have some caution tape on it. My words will reflect my thoughts but the tape may hide some of the meaning. So read on my friends and loved ones..... but proceed with caution!!!!

PINK!

Because I've become addicted to Pandora and the sappy love song playlist I've created, I'm afraid the Valentine scrooge I once was is finally wearing off. I'm not sure how I feel about this. While the premise of Valentine's day is certainly admirable, I hate what the commercialized holiday has become. I'm certainly not against spending money on those we love, but the whole display of affection thing often comes across as ungenuine. And why set aside just one day a year for this? Why don't we make effort more often to spend time with those we love? I would much rather be taken out to dinner or given a gift on some random day of the year than on Valentine's Day just because of social pressure to do something for or with your sweetheart.

Sounds cynical huh? Maybe it's because romance in reality isn't what I grew up thinking it should be. Why is it that all little girls have that fairy tale notion that they might someday find Prince Charming? He doesn't exist! And although I have grown up and reality has hardened my viewpoint of love, I still find myself infatuated with the thought the true love is possible. I find myself believing that some have found it and have even kept it alive over the years. And that thought intrigues me and challenges me - it makes me want to dig deeper and find out just how in the world those couples were able to keep the flame alive.

This past few weeks has been extremely eye opening for me - not just in my own life but the lives of others. Love is dying all around me. Marriages are crumbling. Even those that seem rock solid most likely are not what they seem to be. I am beginning to understand that very few in my age group are actually happy with the spouse they've been given. Happily married is a myth. And I'm frustrated with that because I just don't understand why.

However, this year, for Valentine's day - I'm not going to be the Scrooge Cupid. I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to fall for it - hook, line and sinker. I actually LOVE the Valentine's day decorations and flowers and doilies and hearts...because my favorite color is on full display! I love PINK and I love LOVE. I doubt I will get all carried away and probably won't even buy anything BUT I'm going to lose the attitude. I'm going to believe in love again. I'm going to ignore the statistics and I'm going to just let my heart feel.... I may even smile at cupid a time or two.

Ambition

I hope this doesn't turn into a really pessimistic downer post about my disappointments in life but I had a doozie today that just really makes me want to throw my hands up and say "Why bother?"

And then it makes me look back over my past decisions in life and say "What was I thinking?"

And then I step back from the situation and ask myself "What's really important here?"

Because the fact remains - right, wrong, or indifferent - that my past decisions are exactly what makes my reality today and I have to really guard the things that are important right now. Or else, I will be looking back 10 years from now asking these very same questions....

There are things I want in life. I have always been fairly driven. I make goals and I achieve them. Somehow, some way, at some point in college I lost sight of any hopes, goals or dreams I may have developed along the way. I replaced them all with one single desire.... an MRS degree. That was fairly quickly and easily achieved and I remember being blissfully happy. Not long after that came children and that was equally as blissful for becoming a mother was a lifelong dream of mine. With all the other hopes, goals and dreams forgotten it was a logical conclusion that my focus was family and I eventually lost sight of everything that had once been *mine*. I was so good at focusing on the family and being everything to everyone else that I eventually became invisible. Not only did I lose sight of me, but I believe everyone else lost sight of me too. I was now Justin's wife, Anna and Drew's mom, Dixie's daughter, Jeff's sister, somebody's secretary, somebody's friend.

Where did AMY go?

A little more than 3 years ago, I was fortunate enough to be forced into a career change and I happened upon a job that I actually liked. A job that inspired me. A job that sparked new ambition. I began to set goals and little by little I accomplished them. I jumped through every hoop given and was ready to reach for the stars when the rug was pulled out from under me. It was time to move again - time to go back to our small, safe town. Which was good in a way.... but also a nice big roadblock to my journey. Moving took me away from all the opportunity at work. No more hoops, no more chance of advancement. As a virtual employee, working from home, I've acheieved the highest level I can obtain. I should feel accomplished perhaps...content, right?

If that's true then why then does my heart leap at the mere mention of new job possibilities? And why do I feel so let down, when I realize I can't even apply for them because of my location?

So today, when the possibility of a leadership position within the company was brought up, I got a little bit excited. I began to entertain the thought of a move. I was told I have a real shot at advancement and got the affirmative that my efforts over the last few years have not only been noticed, they've been respected. I even had some slight encouragement from home. It was a real possibility. WAS.

The more I thought about it though, the more I could see how it just won't work. It isn't about me right now. It hasn't been about me for a long time. I'm not sure it will ever be about me again. And I can't help but mourn.... It's obviously not meant to be and that part I can live with. I just really miss ME.

And is that selfish? I don't think so. If it were, I would just jump on the opportunity without regard for the others involved. Instead, I just have to figure out how to get ME back without squelching the dreams of the ones I love. I need to figure out how to channel my disappointment into something worthwhile here - where God has planted me for now. Replace my career goals, hopes and dreams with new, different goals, hopes and dreams.

Or just quit altogther. Sorry... just had to pout a bit. It will all look better in the morning.