I hope this doesn't turn into a really pessimistic downer post about my disappointments in life but I had a doozie today that just really makes me want to throw my hands up and say "Why bother?"
And then it makes me look back over my past decisions in life and say "What was I thinking?"
And then I step back from the situation and ask myself "What's really important here?"
Because the fact remains - right, wrong, or indifferent - that my past decisions are exactly what makes my reality today and I have to really guard the things that are important right now. Or else, I will be looking back 10 years from now asking these very same questions....
There are things I want in life. I have always been fairly driven. I make goals and I achieve them. Somehow, some way, at some point in college I lost sight of any hopes, goals or dreams I may have developed along the way. I replaced them all with one single desire.... an MRS degree. That was fairly quickly and easily achieved and I remember being blissfully happy. Not long after that came children and that was equally as blissful for becoming a mother was a lifelong dream of mine. With all the other hopes, goals and dreams forgotten it was a logical conclusion that my focus was family and I eventually lost sight of everything that had once been *mine*. I was so good at focusing on the family and being everything to everyone else that I eventually became invisible. Not only did I lose sight of me, but I believe everyone else lost sight of me too. I was now Justin's wife, Anna and Drew's mom, Dixie's daughter, Jeff's sister, somebody's secretary, somebody's friend.
Where did AMY go?
A little more than 3 years ago, I was fortunate enough to be forced into a career change and I happened upon a job that I actually liked. A job that inspired me. A job that sparked new ambition. I began to set goals and little by little I accomplished them. I jumped through every hoop given and was ready to reach for the stars when the rug was pulled out from under me. It was time to move again - time to go back to our small, safe town. Which was good in a way.... but also a nice big roadblock to my journey. Moving took me away from all the opportunity at work. No more hoops, no more chance of advancement. As a virtual employee, working from home, I've acheieved the highest level I can obtain. I should feel accomplished perhaps...content, right?
If that's true then why then does my heart leap at the mere mention of new job possibilities? And why do I feel so let down, when I realize I can't even apply for them because of my location?
So today, when the possibility of a leadership position within the company was brought up, I got a little bit excited. I began to entertain the thought of a move. I was told I have a real shot at advancement and got the affirmative that my efforts over the last few years have not only been noticed, they've been respected. I even had some slight encouragement from home. It was a real possibility. WAS.
The more I thought about it though, the more I could see how it just won't work. It isn't about me right now. It hasn't been about me for a long time. I'm not sure it will ever be about me again. And I can't help but mourn.... It's obviously not meant to be and that part I can live with. I just really miss ME.
And is that selfish? I don't think so. If it were, I would just jump on the opportunity without regard for the others involved. Instead, I just have to figure out how to get ME back without squelching the dreams of the ones I love. I need to figure out how to channel my disappointment into something worthwhile here - where God has planted me for now. Replace my career goals, hopes and dreams with new, different goals, hopes and dreams.
Or just quit altogther. Sorry... just had to pout a bit. It will all look better in the morning.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Gift
When I was little, I remember a couple of times being given these really beautiful dolls. And I remember being so excited to play with them - brush their hair, change their clothes, intermingle them with my other dolls for tea parties, etc. Imagine the disappointment I felt when my mother sat me down and explained I shoudn't even take them out of the box! They were valuable collectibles and if kept pristine, would be even more valuable someday. How can a 6 year old possibly understand that? Dolls that were made only to be looked at?
So I ponder the question - does God give gifts like that? Would he give us a gift that seems to be everything we wanted and then tell us it has to stay in the box? Does it happen more than we know? I think He does. And I think we ignore that fact because we want to play with it SO BADLY. But when we do that, does it really diminish the value? If we keep it pristine, will it really be worth more in the future. And.... does that mean it can NEVER be played with? EVER?
I guess that is all in the eye of the beholder. I got a couple of dolls like that when I was little. One I kept in the box as Mom requested. The other - I decided was worth more to me to play with than to keep it pristine. I still have those dolls today. Which one am I the most attached to? The one I played with! I made memories with that doll and I will keep her forever. The other doll, I have considered selling on Ebay on more than one occasion! The value of each? Well monetarily,the pristine doll is worth more. But sentimentally, the doll I played with is priceless.
So what do I do with the gifts God has given me that are supposed to stay in the box? I haven't quite figured that out yet. But maybe, I will just crawl into the box with them. :)
So I ponder the question - does God give gifts like that? Would he give us a gift that seems to be everything we wanted and then tell us it has to stay in the box? Does it happen more than we know? I think He does. And I think we ignore that fact because we want to play with it SO BADLY. But when we do that, does it really diminish the value? If we keep it pristine, will it really be worth more in the future. And.... does that mean it can NEVER be played with? EVER?
I guess that is all in the eye of the beholder. I got a couple of dolls like that when I was little. One I kept in the box as Mom requested. The other - I decided was worth more to me to play with than to keep it pristine. I still have those dolls today. Which one am I the most attached to? The one I played with! I made memories with that doll and I will keep her forever. The other doll, I have considered selling on Ebay on more than one occasion! The value of each? Well monetarily,the pristine doll is worth more. But sentimentally, the doll I played with is priceless.
So what do I do with the gifts God has given me that are supposed to stay in the box? I haven't quite figured that out yet. But maybe, I will just crawl into the box with them. :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
I think most of us desire to be "good" people. We want to say and do the right things, be considerate and respectful, find the right balance between personal and work time, and build meaningful relationships. While most of us want that, we often fall short. We also often desire to be just a little bit bad.... not in a way that might hurt anyone but in a way that would satisfy our inner bad girl.
But just what criteria are we using to define "good"? Are we looking outside ourselves for this? Are we basing our perception of good on what those around us think? And how do we classify bad? Is it against the 10 commandments or what your mother always said? Or do both these ideas come from within? Are good and bad completely different concepts for you than they are for me? Do we know ourselves well enough to recognize the good and the bad or are we afraid to face the truth?
I think I've been facing a lot of truth lately. I have been completely transparent, not only with myself but with several others who know me. I fear being perceived as a Debbie Downer and don't want to riddle others with my negativity. Many times I overcompsate with optimism. Is that being fake? I'm hoping it just means I'm looking for silver linings. I am reminded of a quote similar to this: If you can't change your situation, change the way you think about it. But is that denying your self? Sometimes I push my feelings to the background because I think they are negative. There is intense pressure to be a glass half full girl. But often, those feelings are valid and I should not only acknowledge them but embrace them! The more I ignore, the more likely I am to compensate with innappropriate actions.
But what about the ugly? What do you do when you have feelings you know are just plain horrible - not just by God's standards, but also the world's standards and even your own standards? Every person has a dark side - I don't care how Susie Sunshine they are. All of us have thoughts now and then we could never admit to anyone and sometimes would rather to refuse to acknowledge ourselves. However, these thoughts are often SOS cries and need to be analyzed. We need to love ourselves enough to address them. Instead of fearing them, indulge for just a minute but keep the logic in place. FEEL. Let yourself FEEL. Before you do this though, learn to accept yourself the way you are, give yourself the freedom to be real, love yourself enough to feel safe and secure in all your good, bad and ugly. Quit the comparisons and just be comfortable with you.
I for one, am going to quit trying to be the people pleaser all the time. I need a little time to love myself because I'm seeing some really ugly stuff in me right now. Often when a child acts out, showing them a little love and attention is all they need. I am now that child. I'm acting out. I need to turn inward for awhile.
Is it selfish? Some would see it that way - but I think those are the ones that haven't taken the time to truly get to know and love themselves. It's only by loving yourself that you can truly love and serve others.
But just what criteria are we using to define "good"? Are we looking outside ourselves for this? Are we basing our perception of good on what those around us think? And how do we classify bad? Is it against the 10 commandments or what your mother always said? Or do both these ideas come from within? Are good and bad completely different concepts for you than they are for me? Do we know ourselves well enough to recognize the good and the bad or are we afraid to face the truth?
I think I've been facing a lot of truth lately. I have been completely transparent, not only with myself but with several others who know me. I fear being perceived as a Debbie Downer and don't want to riddle others with my negativity. Many times I overcompsate with optimism. Is that being fake? I'm hoping it just means I'm looking for silver linings. I am reminded of a quote similar to this: If you can't change your situation, change the way you think about it. But is that denying your self? Sometimes I push my feelings to the background because I think they are negative. There is intense pressure to be a glass half full girl. But often, those feelings are valid and I should not only acknowledge them but embrace them! The more I ignore, the more likely I am to compensate with innappropriate actions.
But what about the ugly? What do you do when you have feelings you know are just plain horrible - not just by God's standards, but also the world's standards and even your own standards? Every person has a dark side - I don't care how Susie Sunshine they are. All of us have thoughts now and then we could never admit to anyone and sometimes would rather to refuse to acknowledge ourselves. However, these thoughts are often SOS cries and need to be analyzed. We need to love ourselves enough to address them. Instead of fearing them, indulge for just a minute but keep the logic in place. FEEL. Let yourself FEEL. Before you do this though, learn to accept yourself the way you are, give yourself the freedom to be real, love yourself enough to feel safe and secure in all your good, bad and ugly. Quit the comparisons and just be comfortable with you.
I for one, am going to quit trying to be the people pleaser all the time. I need a little time to love myself because I'm seeing some really ugly stuff in me right now. Often when a child acts out, showing them a little love and attention is all they need. I am now that child. I'm acting out. I need to turn inward for awhile.
Is it selfish? Some would see it that way - but I think those are the ones that haven't taken the time to truly get to know and love themselves. It's only by loving yourself that you can truly love and serve others.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Dilated.
There is a first time for everything and today I experienced one of those firsts.... I had my eyes dilated. I didn't expect much. Just a very routine exam. Guess I didn't really understand what all the doc can see when he does that! I knew it allowed him to see inside my eye, but I didn't know that it tells him not just about your optical health, it also can show signs of other health concerns. He can see the optic nerve and the blood vessels that lead to it. If the blood vessels don't look right in the eye, there is likely another problem elsewhere in the body. He can also see the retina - which is the part of the eye that helps you focus and see with visual clarity.
Dilation does not hurt. It does not blind you. It just makes it harder for you to focus on small things like text for a short while. It is a minor inconvenience but necessary for the doctor to check the general health of your vision.
Yes I realize my fascination with a routine eye exam is somewhat unusual and I was taken aback by that fact myself. But the more I thought about what dilation does for the eye doctor, I began to think that perhaps it's what God is doing to me right now.
For quite some time, I've been highly distracted and have lacked focus. I'm not really hurt and definitely not blind but there are certain things that lack clarity in my life. Maybe God is doing a check - looking at the blood vessels inside to show me where I may have other health issues in my soul. Looking at my spirtual retina to see why I may not have the spiritual clarity I need. It is a little more than a minor inconvenience right now but hopefully it is temporary.
I looked up dilate in the dictionary. The definition is to make wider or larger; cause to expand. I hope that is the result of my spiritual dilation and I know that whatever the result, God can provide the perfect remedy.
Dilation does not hurt. It does not blind you. It just makes it harder for you to focus on small things like text for a short while. It is a minor inconvenience but necessary for the doctor to check the general health of your vision.
Yes I realize my fascination with a routine eye exam is somewhat unusual and I was taken aback by that fact myself. But the more I thought about what dilation does for the eye doctor, I began to think that perhaps it's what God is doing to me right now.
For quite some time, I've been highly distracted and have lacked focus. I'm not really hurt and definitely not blind but there are certain things that lack clarity in my life. Maybe God is doing a check - looking at the blood vessels inside to show me where I may have other health issues in my soul. Looking at my spirtual retina to see why I may not have the spiritual clarity I need. It is a little more than a minor inconvenience right now but hopefully it is temporary.
I looked up dilate in the dictionary. The definition is to make wider or larger; cause to expand. I hope that is the result of my spiritual dilation and I know that whatever the result, God can provide the perfect remedy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Peachy.
16 years ago today, I held a little baby girl with black fuzzy hair in my arms for the very first time. She came to me after an incredibly difficult and long 9 month journey. But as I touched her soft pink skin and counted her 10 tiny toes and 10 dainty fingers, I knew that every day of sickness and pain had been worth it. God knew I needed her as much as she needed me.
Her infancy was no bed of roses. She rarely slept and was colicky and cranky. She tried every last strand of patience I had. But somehow, through it all, my love for her not only provided patience but deepened with every rudely awakened hour. Eventually the terror subsided and she and I began to click. She became my
sidekick, my girlie, my source of laughter and joy on a daily basis.
Today is no different. She still has moments where she tries every last strand of patience I have but overall she still brings me laughter and joy on a daily basis. I am in awe when I look at her and think about all she is already doing with her young life. I marvel in the fact that she's mine. I take no credit for her intelligence and talent because I believe that drive comes from within. God has wonderful plans in store for her and I can't wait to see all He intends to do with her life. I wonder if Mary felt as humbled as I do when she looked at Jesus? I know that's a bit extreme but I am incredibly honored that God chose me to be this child's mother. I am even more honored that she looks to me for love and support.
With each new step toward independence that she takes, I experience a twinge of apprehension and fear. Not only is she venturing into this dangerous world, she is inching even closer to adulthood. She will not be at home much longer and will soon be on her way to the future she is destined to know. I am both excited and sad - yet I know it must happen. I feel God's hand upon her and I know He will be guiding her every step. And yet.... I long to hold that little hand one more time as she crosses the street, long to sing one more lullaby while rocking her to sleep, long to smell that baby shampooed hair and hear her chitter chatter as she reads aloud.
But yet - I wave to her as she drives off in her little green Mazda with a forced smile upon my face and a tiny tear descending from my eye....
Her infancy was no bed of roses. She rarely slept and was colicky and cranky. She tried every last strand of patience I had. But somehow, through it all, my love for her not only provided patience but deepened with every rudely awakened hour. Eventually the terror subsided and she and I began to click. She became my
sidekick, my girlie, my source of laughter and joy on a daily basis.
Today is no different. She still has moments where she tries every last strand of patience I have but overall she still brings me laughter and joy on a daily basis. I am in awe when I look at her and think about all she is already doing with her young life. I marvel in the fact that she's mine. I take no credit for her intelligence and talent because I believe that drive comes from within. God has wonderful plans in store for her and I can't wait to see all He intends to do with her life. I wonder if Mary felt as humbled as I do when she looked at Jesus? I know that's a bit extreme but I am incredibly honored that God chose me to be this child's mother. I am even more honored that she looks to me for love and support.
With each new step toward independence that she takes, I experience a twinge of apprehension and fear. Not only is she venturing into this dangerous world, she is inching even closer to adulthood. She will not be at home much longer and will soon be on her way to the future she is destined to know. I am both excited and sad - yet I know it must happen. I feel God's hand upon her and I know He will be guiding her every step. And yet.... I long to hold that little hand one more time as she crosses the street, long to sing one more lullaby while rocking her to sleep, long to smell that baby shampooed hair and hear her chitter chatter as she reads aloud.
But yet - I wave to her as she drives off in her little green Mazda with a forced smile upon my face and a tiny tear descending from my eye....
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The answer
So... if you've been reading my thoughts, you know I've been waiting for an answer and God has been silent. You also may know that over the past week, I've had a tremendous amount of time for thought and reflection. God finally spoke. At first His answer made perfect sense. He didn't give me all the info however. I've been asking alot of whys - like 3 year olds often do. Why this, why that? The main "why" I was struggling with was where He gave the answer - but He didn't tell me what do with that answer or how to act. So I did what I thought made sense. And I thought I would be ok with that. I thought it was the right thing to do. Never act without clear direction. It will hurt you.
I know now that my action was not necessarily what needed to be done - not yet anyway. There were a series of events that led to that realization. The first one was a strike of irony I can't explain in this blog. Something from the past that came back and hit me like a load of bricks. Then a whole flood of emotion, followed by calm, followed by a storm, followed by numbness. And then that whole lump in the pit of my stomach feeling that would not go away. My action obviously did not lead to peace - it lead to turmoil.
It is beginning to occur to me that I can't always live life based on what makes sense or is logical. Life is not based on logic. God does not always use reason or rationality for His greater good. We see it every day - miracles happen and never are they laced with a smidge of logic. I try so hard to be practical and do the right thing - but sometimes what I think is right is actually wrong. Maybe it's ok to go a little crazy now and then and defy logic and just let yourself feel....
So I guess God gave me a partial answer - which is good. He told me why. AND I'm SO THANKFUL for that why. I feel like I can quit searching in that area. But as to the what, when and how - I just have to rely on Him some more and know that in His precious timing, He will reveal to me the actions to be taken and then give me a peace about them. Am I still a bit uneasy? Of course! I am in uncharted territory. I am afraid. Afraid of the feelings, the uncertainty, the consequences. Risk. But God has my back. I'm trusting Him in that. and I'm trusting Him also to have the backs of those I love.
I know now that my action was not necessarily what needed to be done - not yet anyway. There were a series of events that led to that realization. The first one was a strike of irony I can't explain in this blog. Something from the past that came back and hit me like a load of bricks. Then a whole flood of emotion, followed by calm, followed by a storm, followed by numbness. And then that whole lump in the pit of my stomach feeling that would not go away. My action obviously did not lead to peace - it lead to turmoil.
It is beginning to occur to me that I can't always live life based on what makes sense or is logical. Life is not based on logic. God does not always use reason or rationality for His greater good. We see it every day - miracles happen and never are they laced with a smidge of logic. I try so hard to be practical and do the right thing - but sometimes what I think is right is actually wrong. Maybe it's ok to go a little crazy now and then and defy logic and just let yourself feel....
So I guess God gave me a partial answer - which is good. He told me why. AND I'm SO THANKFUL for that why. I feel like I can quit searching in that area. But as to the what, when and how - I just have to rely on Him some more and know that in His precious timing, He will reveal to me the actions to be taken and then give me a peace about them. Am I still a bit uneasy? Of course! I am in uncharted territory. I am afraid. Afraid of the feelings, the uncertainty, the consequences. Risk. But God has my back. I'm trusting Him in that. and I'm trusting Him also to have the backs of those I love.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Forced reflection
So I had this trip to KC planned for several weeks. I was looking forward to it - counting the days. I had a nagging fear it would get changed or cancelled but I was wrong....sort of. I arrived as planned today and the week has gone off without a hitch so I was super pumped about that. But about an hour after I got here, down came the snowflakes - BIG ones! And it is still snowing - BIG time.
Instead of experiencing the excitement of exploring a new place, I am holed up in my hotel room. Remarkably, I am not too upset about it. Sure I'm a little bummed but it seems as if I needed this time for reflection. Life has been dealing me some tricky cards lately and I have just been sweeping them off to the side thinking I will take care of them later. It is becoming more apparent that I can't simply put things off but that I need to address them - head on. Decisions must be made but I am not equipped to handle them yet. I need more info. I need to study a bit more, listen a bit more, PRAY alot more.
So I think I will take this time to get some of the heaviness I feel off my chest. To figure out where I stand. Absorb the feelings I have and decide just what to do with them. OH - and psych myself up for the drive to work tomorow morning in KC traffic and SNOW! Yup - I'm shakin in mah boots on that one! BUT - I know once I tackle that, I will feel a great sense of accomplishment and courage. And THAT is exactly what I need right now :)
Instead of experiencing the excitement of exploring a new place, I am holed up in my hotel room. Remarkably, I am not too upset about it. Sure I'm a little bummed but it seems as if I needed this time for reflection. Life has been dealing me some tricky cards lately and I have just been sweeping them off to the side thinking I will take care of them later. It is becoming more apparent that I can't simply put things off but that I need to address them - head on. Decisions must be made but I am not equipped to handle them yet. I need more info. I need to study a bit more, listen a bit more, PRAY alot more.
So I think I will take this time to get some of the heaviness I feel off my chest. To figure out where I stand. Absorb the feelings I have and decide just what to do with them. OH - and psych myself up for the drive to work tomorow morning in KC traffic and SNOW! Yup - I'm shakin in mah boots on that one! BUT - I know once I tackle that, I will feel a great sense of accomplishment and courage. And THAT is exactly what I need right now :)
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