39.

I am now 39 years young. or old - depending on how you want to see it. To me, it matters not. It is what it is. 39 may be the new 27 or it may be exactly 39. I really don't care. All I know is that I get older, the more at peace I am with myself. I've always liked me....to a degree. But I've always let comparisons get in the way of accepting myself the way God made me. He is the ultimate artist and he created me the way He wanted me - not the way *I* want me!

Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.

Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.

Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)

I love you.

As this holiday is centered around God's love for us, I too am reflecting on love. Love is the single most important job God gave us on this earth. However, I am often confused by it. It sparks such a rainbow of emotion. It can create feelings of euphoria, happiness, completeness.... But it can also cause feelings of pain, hurt, uncertainty. It is more than a feeling. It is also an action. Love may be the single most complex word in the English vocabulary. If I was a scholar, I would study it in different languages to try to get to the root meaning - but I have not the time nor the energy for that. I am perplexed enough as it is!

Love is a noun. Love is a verb. One you choose, one just happens. Love the noun is typically a feeling. It is delightful when it happens - a beautiful gift from God. I don't think you can make this happen - it just does. It's a random, unplanned emtion that just overcomes you. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it dies. So when it dies, what do you do with it? Do you bury it and move on? Or do you give it CPR and try to revive it? I think most would say the latter. Then when you do that, love becomes a verb. Then, it is a choice. You choose love because reviving it is such incredibly hard work, you have to really want it to work for it.

Sometimes love the noun doesn't just randomly occur - we have to create it. This is especially true when we love those we don't really know. Sometimes when we choose to create this love, then we get to know the person - we begin to like the person and before long, the love turns into the noun form or deep intense feeling for the object of our affection.

So what happens when love the noun and love the verb conflict with each other? That one I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. But yet... it happens. More often than we care to admit.

Here is an anonymous quote I came across today:
“There is no remedy for love but to love more. ”
I have to admit I am a love junkie. Love comes incredibly easy for me but I also have a hard time reviving it when it dies. I pray I find the strength and skills to do this and succeed, but for now it is a work in progress. I think I know what I need to do but yet I feel powerless to do it. Maybe because love the noun is still very much a mental block to my progress.

One more quote to consider:
“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
Due to the complexity of the word, I'm not sure it's always best to say it out loud but yet I so often want to. I suppose this is my safe haven to do so - for if you are reading this blog, you are likely one of those for whom I experience love.... both in noun and verb form.

Melancholy Christmas

It's not necessarily a bad thing, I've decided, that every year at Christmas I become a bit melancholy. Christmas is a celebration - yes - but it's also a time of reflection for me I think. To some degree, it's kind of a let-down.... we spend so much time, energy and money in preparation to have it over with in less than a day most times. Perhaps my focus is wrong. Perhaps I'm too distracted with other issues. Perhaps my expectations are way too high. Whatever the cause, I find myself a little blue.

This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?

I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.

But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!

In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.

Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.

Count it all joy....

A phrase from our Christmas cantata.... "Joy is like a flower, burning in the soul"

For some reason - that is stuck in my mind. The flower part, I like. Why it is "burning" in the soul...doesn't make much sense so I'm going to go with the flower part. As may be obvious from my previous blogs, I struggle with finding true joy and contentment in my life. I am beyond blessed so don't go thinking that I'm not truly thankful for everything I've been given. I am so very grateful and I have no problem expressing this to the One who is responsible. However - my greedy little self keeps wanting just a tad. bit. more. Or maybe notsomuch MORE as maybe something different. I would liken to this to my childhood - opening gifts from grandma - and my cousin and I get matching sweaters only hers is pink and mine is blue. Hey! Maybe I wanted the pink one! (that's just an example - I can't recall ever getting matching sweaters - but you catch my drift)

So - I've been studying those people who seem to have true joy in their lives. That has been extremely frustrating to me because I just don't relate! Tonight it dawned on me that I've been studying the wrong people. Tonight, I spent time with one who is the opposite. Debbie Downer. You know the type - nothing is ever enough, nothing good ever happens, always tired or sick, always looking from the outside in - wanting more, wanting better, wanting the greener grass from the other side of the street. And then I thought of the flower....the joy flower. She forgot to water and feed her flower! It has been so neglected that it finally uprooted and died. NEVER will she get it back. Oh sure, someone might be able to come along and plant some new joy flower seeds in her heart - and I pray that happens. But the one she currently carries in her soul might as well be so dead that it is now decomposed.

My joy flower may not be thriving but it's certainly not dead yet. I'm stocking up on some plant food and water and I'm going to nurse it back to health. It will take effort daily - lots and lots of SONshine - and maybe even some conversation. They say when you talk to plants they thrive - so why not talk to the soul to increase the size of our joy? I certainly won't let my joy flower die - and maybe, just maybe I can grow it so big that I will be able to transplant a little of MY joy to someone else.

A moment of silence. (that I could do without)

God... God.... God? GOD?!?! I know you are there! Why don't I hear you? You answered me regarding the other things we've talked about but now you are giving me the silent treatment. Are you mad at me?

I try so hard to be positive and upbeat and enjoy the blessings you've given me. I try so hard to be patient. I try so hard to be still and know you are in control.... And I do a pretty good job. Most of the time.

But today - today I need to hear you! I feel hopeless and used. I feel powerless to change whatever needs to be changed. I feel a loss....and I am grieving. I need to cry. I need someone to put their arms around me and hold me while I sob. Someone to stroke my hair while I cry until there are no more tears. A person. I need a go-to person.

You know my thoughts. You know what I need even better than I do. You know I need to hear you! But yet - you are not talking. to me. right now.

So I bury it. I bury the pain and emotion and continue on with the grieving process. I know you are there.... I hear you breathing....

God's favorite

So I've had a few choice words in my head for those friends of mine who have been praying for snow. But instead of being nasty I just counteracted their prayers with some of my own. Hmmmf!!! We'll just see who God loves best!

Cold temperatures and humidity don't mix well with my arthritic body so I tend to feel adversely toward winter weather. But I remember a time when I loved the snow and I was actually one of those insane people who prayed for it. And honestly, today I have no reason to be so against it. I still have no car so it's not like I am going anywhere....

When I got up this morning, I looked out the window and lo and behold - NO SNOW! Maybe I AM God's favorite - I say to myself as I get dressed and ready for the day. As I put my make-up on, I recall all the wonderful things He's done for me. Then I bebop downstairs to the wonderful smell of bacon and eggs - a husband specialty in our household - and think yet again - Look at how God loves me!

BUT.... as I'm cheerfully chewing on a piece of fresh bacon, I catch a glimpse of something white and have a flash of snowglobe in my head. I look closer out the window and.....wah, wah - "you're enjoying your day, things are going your way, when along comes Debbie Downer" (wish I could play music in a blog - because the debbie downer song from SNL started playing in my head as the snow slapped me in the face).
I hung my head like the little sister who just got beat in checkers by her big brother.

I took my dreary demeanor to my work desk knowing that today is going to be a crazy, hectic workday and grumbled about that as well. But then I turned my chair around and looked out across the neighborhood as the beautiful big flakes of snow fell and began to accumulate. A big white fluffy blanket of snow had started to cover the neighbors yard and as I watched it fall, I felt a sense of peace.

And then it dawned on me - - I am STILL God's favorite! He knows what I want/need even more than I do. I didn't think I wanted this snow, but He gave it to me anyway knowing that it would be a calming influence on a day that I might otherwise be on edge. My arthritic body isn't feelng even a twinge of pain and I don't have to go outside for any reason at all so there's no reason for me to be hatin' on the snow and every reason to see the beauty of God's love in each unique flake. Yes - I am God's favorite - indeed.

Word.

Is your mind ever so full of thoughts that you can't put them into words? That's exactly why I blog. However, there are times - like tonight - that I can tell my head is so full that I need to purge - in word form - to get the confusion out of my mind. And I sit here, hands poised on the keyboard, waiting for the flow of words to hit my finger tips and spew out the jumbled up mess of conflicting ideas, feelings and emotions onto the computer screen. And I sit some more, head topsy turvy, rumbling and tumbling, and I get.... N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Apparently what I am going through right now can't be explained or described.

All I know is that I don't like unanswered questions. I don't like being unable to solve the puzzle. I don't like being unprepared for the test. I don't like unresolved emotion. and I don't like feeling ill equipped.

In order to resolve all of the above things I don't like, I would have to have some glimpse or inkling of how the future will take shape. But even if I could flip forward a few chapters in this thrilling suspense novel called life, I don't think that I would do so. I am anticipating what will happen next but also afraid to turn the page. I think it may be time to hand the book over to the Author and trust with all my heart, that He knew just how to write the perfect ending and will read the next few chapters to me in a way that calms and soothes my ever longing soul.