Another repost from the former blog:
Jan 25, 2009
random thoughts
Certain things in life grab hold of us for various reasons. Sometimes it's people, sometimes it's a habit, sometimes it's a particular food or a way of doing things. This happens because the person or thing or practice meets a deep seated need of some sort. It brings forth some type of pleasurable feeling so we continue on with it and even eventually cling to it until we can't let go. When these things are taken away, we go through withdrawal which can come in a multitude of forms..... sadness, headaches, cravings, etc - depending on what the addiction was. The initial stronghold is in initiated in somewhat of a courtship manner....there is flirtation and then actual contact and then dating and then a full blown relationship - each step creating a tighter grip but in an intriguing process. At some point you may realize what's happening and try to stop but rarely is one successful. Instead, you find yourself with a tighter grip than before.
Then all of a sudden one day the subject of your addiction is taken away - unexpectedly, out of the blue - ripped out of your hand...... but yet your grip is just as tight - and you can't figure out how to unclench your fist. You try - but the pain is unbearable. Then in similar fashion to the initial courtship - the steps begin to re-occur but in reverse. As time goes buy you find the grip is loosened, each finger unwrapping from the palm until finally the pinkie pops out and you find your hand fully outstretched - fingers spread - palm exposed. The relief is almost overwhelming as you realize how taxing the whole thing has been to your spirit. You have finally broken free. You've kicked the habit. You realize that what was once so extremely important had actually been a poison to your system and that it was slowly shutting you down. You now realize that the hand that formerly clutched so tightly to the beloved specimen is now so much more useful when empty. Perhaps it has nothing now to grab ahold of - but that is not a negative consequence necessarily - as it is now free to grab and let go where appropriate. Or perhaps it's clutching on to something new - something better - something to enrich your life instead of complicate it.
Breaking free or letting go is an exhilarating experience once you get past the withdrawal. Releasing the grip takes courage, steadfastness and great effort. When you realize you are finally getting away from the stronghold, the feeling can be so much better than the initial falling in love. I've only experienced it a few times in my life, but it is a sweet victory. Would it have been better to never have been under the spell to begin with? Perhaps. But I am reminded of a few words from Alfred Loyd Tennyson - "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. " Through our mistakes, we are more human and many times this is how we relate to one another. So I am glad to have been there and done that even if it wasn't in my best interest at the time. I loved, I lost, and above all - I learned.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Oldie, but Goodie
Found this on my old blog - it spoke to me this morning....
Jan 31, 2009
I'm a mess
Not really - well kind of I guess. This quote from Private Practice just hit me this morning as I was catching up on my shows....
Violet: I'm a mess.
Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are.
I agree with Sheldon. Some of us don't want to admit it, but we are all a mess inside. We don't like to put out our dirty laundry and mistakes for all the world to see. We like to appear that we've got it all together, that we're happy, that we know exactly what we're doing. Think about people you know that really do appear that way.... More than likely, they have inner issues that you don't know about. Now think about that person who is real - who has issues - who needs help. Which one do you prefer to have as your friend? Me - I want the messed up cat - the one with issues - the whacked out one. Why? Because #1 - I don't feel so bad about having issues of my own and, #2 - I like to feel that friendship is a two way street: I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
I used to be a perfectionist. This was before children. Thank Goodness God blessed me with a colicky baby. Because of her, I was able to let go of that pressure. As I get older, I discover that perfection is overrated. I've become endeared to flaws. In fact, I collect old clocks that don't work. I don't want them to work. They are beautiful even if they don't do what they were made to do - I've found a new purpose for them and they make me happy.
God didn't expect us to be perfect either. He created us knowing full well that we would not live up to our potential and you know what? He loves us that way. The more we screw up, the more we learn about Him and about His love. Mistakes are a good thing - they are sometimes the only way we learn.
Jan 31, 2009
I'm a mess
Not really - well kind of I guess. This quote from Private Practice just hit me this morning as I was catching up on my shows....
Violet: I'm a mess.
Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are.
I agree with Sheldon. Some of us don't want to admit it, but we are all a mess inside. We don't like to put out our dirty laundry and mistakes for all the world to see. We like to appear that we've got it all together, that we're happy, that we know exactly what we're doing. Think about people you know that really do appear that way.... More than likely, they have inner issues that you don't know about. Now think about that person who is real - who has issues - who needs help. Which one do you prefer to have as your friend? Me - I want the messed up cat - the one with issues - the whacked out one. Why? Because #1 - I don't feel so bad about having issues of my own and, #2 - I like to feel that friendship is a two way street: I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
I used to be a perfectionist. This was before children. Thank Goodness God blessed me with a colicky baby. Because of her, I was able to let go of that pressure. As I get older, I discover that perfection is overrated. I've become endeared to flaws. In fact, I collect old clocks that don't work. I don't want them to work. They are beautiful even if they don't do what they were made to do - I've found a new purpose for them and they make me happy.
God didn't expect us to be perfect either. He created us knowing full well that we would not live up to our potential and you know what? He loves us that way. The more we screw up, the more we learn about Him and about His love. Mistakes are a good thing - they are sometimes the only way we learn.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The "Sitch"
I have a situation. It's been brought about by pure chance...or perhaps a small twist of fate - and it leaves me completely at a loss. I don't know whether to act or wait or reject the new ideas that are forming in my mind. For the last 2 years I've felt God telling me that I am where He wants me. Now I am beginning to feel the uneasiness of looming change. So I pray. And I pray. And I pray some more. I pray first thing in the morning, last thing at night and about 52 times a day in between. And I have a prayer partner in this so I know - I KNOW God is going to answer. He will take care of the "sitch" for me and that gives me peace.... to a degree. The unknown variable is that I am uncertain as to HOW He will take care of this.
In the past, in other situations, I've taken the same course of action and He answered in time (sometimes longer than I would have requested) but His answer and remedy was so contradictory to my expectation, that the resolve was somewhat of a let-down in spite of the fact that the result was what I asked for. So my anxiety is warranted I believe - even though He tells us - "worry not".
It IS out of my hands to a degree but there are actions that can be taken to bring about what I ultimately desire. My question now is do I take steps toward action, or do I sit tight and wait upon the Lord? I feel His presence... in fact, He's so close I hear Him breathing - - and I think I hear a faint whisper that says, "Act". It is so quiet that I almost doubt Him. But I no longer hear the firm voice that says "you are right where I want you".
In the past, in other situations, I've taken the same course of action and He answered in time (sometimes longer than I would have requested) but His answer and remedy was so contradictory to my expectation, that the resolve was somewhat of a let-down in spite of the fact that the result was what I asked for. So my anxiety is warranted I believe - even though He tells us - "worry not".
It IS out of my hands to a degree but there are actions that can be taken to bring about what I ultimately desire. My question now is do I take steps toward action, or do I sit tight and wait upon the Lord? I feel His presence... in fact, He's so close I hear Him breathing - - and I think I hear a faint whisper that says, "Act". It is so quiet that I almost doubt Him. But I no longer hear the firm voice that says "you are right where I want you".
Monday, December 6, 2010
What I Want For Christmas by Amy Shilling Ediger
Christmas. A time of year when people make time to get together and love on their family members and friends. But do they? Really? Most of us are even given extra time off work for this purpose but the time off quickly becomes filled with shopping, cooking, wrapping presents, etc that by the time I am finally able to focus on the quality time aspect, I'm spent and not fully engaged. There are so many events leading up to the actual day that wear us out as well. Chrismas programs at school, church and in the community; Parties at school, church and in the community. Practices or planning meetings for these events; decorating the house inside and out. and again....shopping. Tell me, when do we actually get the time to spend with our loved ones? I don't know about you but aside from the fact that the true meaning of Christmas often gets pushed away, it seems my expectations of the holiday season also get moved to the background. The true meaning is focused around Jesus. Would He be happy about all this hoop-lah? The little baby that was born in a barn.... that grew to be a man who made a "career" out of spending time with people.... and loving them.
As I write this, I feel almost ashamed. Although I certainly don't go to extremes, I have been focused on preparing the house for the holidays, shopping and wrapping gifts - taking extra time and spending extra money to make everything look nice. Time - that I could have given to someone else - whether that be friend or family OR even a total stranger that needed a listening ear or a helpful hand. To me, time is invaluable. It's what *I* want for Christmas but I should be willing to GIVE it as well.
This story is copied from facebook but it really tugs at the heartstrings:
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the man.
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $50 an hour.”
SON: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $25?”
The father was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. “Are you asleep, son?” He asked. “No daddy, I'm awake,” replied the boy. “I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man. “It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled. “Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, now that I have $50, can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
As I write this, I feel almost ashamed. Although I certainly don't go to extremes, I have been focused on preparing the house for the holidays, shopping and wrapping gifts - taking extra time and spending extra money to make everything look nice. Time - that I could have given to someone else - whether that be friend or family OR even a total stranger that needed a listening ear or a helpful hand. To me, time is invaluable. It's what *I* want for Christmas but I should be willing to GIVE it as well.
This story is copied from facebook but it really tugs at the heartstrings:
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the man.
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $50 an hour.”
SON: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $25?”
The father was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. “Are you asleep, son?” He asked. “No daddy, I'm awake,” replied the boy. “I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man. “It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled. “Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, now that I have $50, can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Self Therapy
I'm baaaaack! Grrr... Mad at me for not taking more time to do this. I need this emotional purge from time to time. Putting my feelings into words via my blog even if sometimes encrypted, really helps me work things out in my mind. I think I have been feeling somewhat insecure - thinking perhaps my thoughts and feelings should not be on display for the world to see but I have had a few tell me that my previous blog was of help to them. I'm not sure many of them even know I have this one now and I don't care to advertise that fact. However, if someone comes across it - I don't think I will be embarrassed. I am what I am. And I love people even if I don't agree with their thoughts or feelings, so I will assume that my peeps will still love me.
I am feeling extremely blessed with my life at the moment in spite of some things I know I need to change. Somehow, some way, I'm comforted in the middle of some slight discontent. I think I will quit feeling let down and disappointed with certain aspects of my life that were out of my control. It's time to let go of the hurt I've felt and replace it with peace, love, forgiveness and understanding.
That being said, I am needing discernment. I need to figure out what is within my control and what is not. God is in control - yes. But He also requires action on our parts to assist at times. His will is like at abstract painting to me at this point in time. Just when I think I see the theme, something changes and I see it a different way. For now, I will wait. And listen. Maybe the artist will tell me exactly what His painting portrays.
I am feeling extremely blessed with my life at the moment in spite of some things I know I need to change. Somehow, some way, I'm comforted in the middle of some slight discontent. I think I will quit feeling let down and disappointed with certain aspects of my life that were out of my control. It's time to let go of the hurt I've felt and replace it with peace, love, forgiveness and understanding.
That being said, I am needing discernment. I need to figure out what is within my control and what is not. God is in control - yes. But He also requires action on our parts to assist at times. His will is like at abstract painting to me at this point in time. Just when I think I see the theme, something changes and I see it a different way. For now, I will wait. And listen. Maybe the artist will tell me exactly what His painting portrays.
Monday, July 19, 2010
22 years
We had a good run, you and I. Our friendship was not always rosy but it was healthy none the less. Or so I thought. Until recently, when it died. We have literally been through thick and thin together. We've had ups and downs and even battled cancer together. Sort of. Ironically, you survived and even beat it but our friendship did not.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Facebook woes
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Facebook and I love the fact that we can now be in touch with friends from our past. These kinds of reunions and relationships wouldn't have happened 10 years ago. But something about it also makes me somewhat sad. I read things that former friends have written and I think to myself - now how in the heck did we lose touch with each other? She is so clever and always makes me laugh or She is so insightful - how is it that we did not stay close over the years?
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
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