I'm baaaaack! Grrr... Mad at me for not taking more time to do this. I need this emotional purge from time to time. Putting my feelings into words via my blog even if sometimes encrypted, really helps me work things out in my mind. I think I have been feeling somewhat insecure - thinking perhaps my thoughts and feelings should not be on display for the world to see but I have had a few tell me that my previous blog was of help to them. I'm not sure many of them even know I have this one now and I don't care to advertise that fact. However, if someone comes across it - I don't think I will be embarrassed. I am what I am. And I love people even if I don't agree with their thoughts or feelings, so I will assume that my peeps will still love me.
I am feeling extremely blessed with my life at the moment in spite of some things I know I need to change. Somehow, some way, I'm comforted in the middle of some slight discontent. I think I will quit feeling let down and disappointed with certain aspects of my life that were out of my control. It's time to let go of the hurt I've felt and replace it with peace, love, forgiveness and understanding.
That being said, I am needing discernment. I need to figure out what is within my control and what is not. God is in control - yes. But He also requires action on our parts to assist at times. His will is like at abstract painting to me at this point in time. Just when I think I see the theme, something changes and I see it a different way. For now, I will wait. And listen. Maybe the artist will tell me exactly what His painting portrays.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
22 years
We had a good run, you and I. Our friendship was not always rosy but it was healthy none the less. Or so I thought. Until recently, when it died. We have literally been through thick and thin together. We've had ups and downs and even battled cancer together. Sort of. Ironically, you survived and even beat it but our friendship did not.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Facebook woes
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Facebook and I love the fact that we can now be in touch with friends from our past. These kinds of reunions and relationships wouldn't have happened 10 years ago. But something about it also makes me somewhat sad. I read things that former friends have written and I think to myself - now how in the heck did we lose touch with each other? She is so clever and always makes me laugh or She is so insightful - how is it that we did not stay close over the years?
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
Friday, April 16, 2010
IV time....
It's terrible that it takes me being hooked up to an IV to make time for blogging. Or maybe it's good.... I can't decide. It is therapeutic to put my thoughts into words but I think it's also good to be so busy that I don't have time to think -- or is that called denial?
When I have alot of time on my hands, I tend to reflect on my past more than I should. Those moments are gone so it is pointless to waste time and energy on 'should haves' or 'could haves'. I could switch gears and start looking to the future - but then, it is so uncertain that I'm not sure that's very productive either. The key is probably to focus on the here and now - but why is that such a struggle? Today is the only day that is somewhat within control. What we do with it is completely up to us. Now is the time to finish those unfinished tasks, call those we've been meaning to call, send gifts to those we've wanted to help and do away with regret.
That's all easy to say when hooked up to an IV.... In about an hour, I'll get up from this comfy recliner and head out to my next appointment. Then I'll run the errands I have. Then I'll go see my bff in the hospital and then drive home. Once there, I'll get ready for Prom tonight and then tomorrow another task filled day will begin. And the blog time gets pushed to the very back....
The thoughts will still be there. Just not in word form.
When I have alot of time on my hands, I tend to reflect on my past more than I should. Those moments are gone so it is pointless to waste time and energy on 'should haves' or 'could haves'. I could switch gears and start looking to the future - but then, it is so uncertain that I'm not sure that's very productive either. The key is probably to focus on the here and now - but why is that such a struggle? Today is the only day that is somewhat within control. What we do with it is completely up to us. Now is the time to finish those unfinished tasks, call those we've been meaning to call, send gifts to those we've wanted to help and do away with regret.
That's all easy to say when hooked up to an IV.... In about an hour, I'll get up from this comfy recliner and head out to my next appointment. Then I'll run the errands I have. Then I'll go see my bff in the hospital and then drive home. Once there, I'll get ready for Prom tonight and then tomorrow another task filled day will begin. And the blog time gets pushed to the very back....
The thoughts will still be there. Just not in word form.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Epic Fail
I quit. I gave up. I let my addiction take hold and get in the way of what was supposed to be my focus on God and His gift to us. I jokingly say that I gave up Lent for Facebook but it's really not funny. I am kinda disappointed but at the same time not sure I really thought this through as much as I should have. The intent was good but I didn't educate myself on the tradition as much as I should have. Seasons like Lent and Advent are new to me. They aren't observed in the churches that I've been a part of for most of my life so I'm somewhat ignorant to the tradition. It's a shame really because these traditions are rich in meaning and really help explain much of our religious heritage. I also didn't realize how out of the loop my 'sacrifice' would take me and that perhaps that wasn't the root of my distraction after all....
I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very happy to be back in touch with my Facebook friends and no more distracted than I was without Facebook. However, had I known that I could have still had Facebook on Sundays during Lent, I might not have caved so soon! Apparently whatever you give up for Lent, you can have on Sundays during Lent....HAD NO IDEA! So --- that helps--- a great deal. Good to know for next year. As for this year, I'll just keep toddling along, doing the best I can to learn how to walk the walk all along hoping eventually I'll learn to dance.
I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very happy to be back in touch with my Facebook friends and no more distracted than I was without Facebook. However, had I known that I could have still had Facebook on Sundays during Lent, I might not have caved so soon! Apparently whatever you give up for Lent, you can have on Sundays during Lent....HAD NO IDEA! So --- that helps--- a great deal. Good to know for next year. As for this year, I'll just keep toddling along, doing the best I can to learn how to walk the walk all along hoping eventually I'll learn to dance.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What am I doing?
Spinning my wheels? Twiddling my thumbs? Going through the motions? I'm very frustrated with ME. I gave up Facebook for Lent so I could F.O.C.U.S. On God. On Family. On the things that are important! Also so that I would quit looking outside my box for a bit and realize just how great I've got it - all right here. I am the world's worst at comparison shopping (well ok, in a literal sense, I'm very good at it) but in a spirtual sense that is a HUGE flaw. Life is not about comparison. It's not about keeping up with the Joneses. AND - the grass is actually almost NEVER greener on the other side - that's an optical illusion!
I want to quit wanting. I'm good. I have everything I need...MORE than I need and I'm beyond blessed. But apparently eliminating Facebook has not elimated my bad habits. Instead, I feel out of touch with my peeps! But then - perhaps that is temptation talking.... Maybe it's doing more good than I know. Probably more effective would be eliminating internet altogether for awhile and along with that TV. But yeah..... I don't see that happening anytime soon. What pitiful creatures we are that we think we need all this meaningless technology!
So hopefully I'm reeling it in here. Back to the meaning of Lent.....preparation. consideration. What God gave for us ---it's so very humbling when you stop and think about it. Although I tend to make this world about me, it's really not. Or should not be. I hope to stop the vanity and selfishness and realize that I've been given so much already.... was given soooo much more when Christ died for me and perhaps it's time for me to give back. Baby steps though. I'm still not an adult Christian and wonder if I will ever be but the only way I'll get there is to try walking...do a little falling....get back up and give it another go. Somehow this theme is recurring but maybe, just maybe I'll get the hang of it. And perhaps someday after I do, I can work on dancing..... (Queue the music - I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack) Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.
I want to quit wanting. I'm good. I have everything I need...MORE than I need and I'm beyond blessed. But apparently eliminating Facebook has not elimated my bad habits. Instead, I feel out of touch with my peeps! But then - perhaps that is temptation talking.... Maybe it's doing more good than I know. Probably more effective would be eliminating internet altogether for awhile and along with that TV. But yeah..... I don't see that happening anytime soon. What pitiful creatures we are that we think we need all this meaningless technology!
So hopefully I'm reeling it in here. Back to the meaning of Lent.....preparation. consideration. What God gave for us ---it's so very humbling when you stop and think about it. Although I tend to make this world about me, it's really not. Or should not be. I hope to stop the vanity and selfishness and realize that I've been given so much already.... was given soooo much more when Christ died for me and perhaps it's time for me to give back. Baby steps though. I'm still not an adult Christian and wonder if I will ever be but the only way I'll get there is to try walking...do a little falling....get back up and give it another go. Somehow this theme is recurring but maybe, just maybe I'll get the hang of it. And perhaps someday after I do, I can work on dancing..... (Queue the music - I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack) Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.
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