Because I am His.

I often wonder where I might be *if* this or that hadn't happened and also like to do the *what if* dance in my head.  However - that's all a waste of energy and emotion.

I am here today for a reason.

And on this day, I have prepared to leave on a journey.  This time, to Alaska - a land unknown to me - to do unknown work.  To just be there and be ready to do whatever is asked of me, whenever it is asked.  I don't know what kind of schedule I will be on and I don't know what I will be eating or even where I'll be sleeping but yet I don't need to.  I am not in charge.  And honestly - that feels pretty wonderful.  I have no worries.  I know my needs will be met.

Now - if one could rewind my life back a few years I would never have been this calm before such an ambiguous journey.  I would have been tense and nervous and CRANKY.  At that time in my life, never would I have given up precious vacation days from work to go with a group of crazy teenagers on a 7 hour flight to a place where it is COLD and RAINY in the middle of July.  I would have stewed and fretted over what tasks I might be given and whether or not I could accomplish them.  I would have been up in arms over the fact that I would be sleeping on an air mattress, not knowing when or if I might get a shower on any given day.  AND I would have lamented over the fact that this was no vacation and I would get no rest - it would be like work for me and why in the world I would have agreed to take such a trip with annoying teenagers.

My, my, my....... how things have changed.

Not only am I more than calm.  I chose this and I'm EXCITED!  I can't wait to get to know these kids better and to see a new spot in our great USA that I might not otherwise ever see.

But you know what's even better?  I get to go and do what God would have me do - and just be available for HIM - for a change!   He's always there when I need Him.  This time I pay it forward...... in His name.

Because I am His.

Having a moment.

Taking time to remember the moment that changed everything.

Still knowing that in spite of all logic, the choices made were best.

Trusting God had a plan in it all and still does.

Reflecting on times of precious affection.

Locking away sacred memories in my heart.

It IS Well......

I remember what it was like to have no more tears left....   to be numb, dull, void of emotion.  I remember what it was like to be bored -what it was like to have absolutely no feeling at all.  I remember feeling lonely even though I had people all around me and feeling like I no longer played a part in my own life.  I remember the feeling of forgotten passion, wasted dreams and forelorn futures.

And I remember wishing....no longing..... for MORE.

OH how life has changed!

I can't exactly call it better......YET.  But it is most certainly different.

I've done more crying in the last year than I have done in all 39 years leading up to it.  I am no longer numb - quite the opposite:  sometimes full of gut wrenching pain but other times full of absolute bliss.  While I may be at my lowest low one day, I see my highest peak the next!  My feelings run the gamut and are like a colorful rainbow after a very dark stormy day.  The emotion is like a beautiful prism that glistens new designs onto the canvas of my soul.

Passion has been awakened, dreams have been revived and future is full of possibility.

There are no more dead end roads but many new and open territories.  Scary?  Perhaps - but also intriguing.

I am free.  Unchained.  Unleashed.  Unglued.  Undone. Untangled. 

But yet.....  broken, still.  And waiting - hoping - knowing that someday all will be fixed.  All will be well.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

On Being Happy....

I woke up happy this morning.  It then dawned on me I have been happy all week.  Then I began to realize that happiness looms in the background pretty much all the time and sometimes all it takes is the ability to recognize it.

But oh no.....  this is no Susie Sunshine blog.  I am certainly not here to remind you to always look at the glass as half full...   Nope.  I just don't believe in that.   That is a falsehood.  And to some degree I feel the effort to put a positive spin on everything in life is a total and complete lie.  We've been fed a line of crap that happiness is all in our attitude.  I just don't buy it.

If you are constantly looking for the half full glass, then you are denying yourself the victory in conquering adversity.  

Let's face it - sometimes life just sucks.  Sometimes it's just too daunting a task to find silver linings in the clouds that come our way.  Sometimes we truly need to wallow in our self pity.  There's a healing aspect to that and tears are so very cleansing.

If we deny ourselves those negative emotions, we glaze over our true selves.  Denying our true emotions does nothing but cause us to lose our identity. 

It's true there is a danger in that type of thinking - it's called depression.  It's real and its a definite battle.  But it does not have to be a defeat.  Even in the midst of that deep hole of depression, there are rays of sunshine.  Getting out of that hole requires seeing those and recognizing them for what they are.  That then produces a chain reaction and those rays become more noticeable.  The more you acknowledge those beautiful glistening rays of sunshine that touch your life, the closer you are to being out of that hole - until one day you look around you and the world is at your fingertips.  You push into that final boost out of the hole and you begin to walk around again......   seeing the light.....  feeling the peace.

There's nothing like the calm after a storm.  Nothing like the victory after a very tense, close ballgame.  Those are things we love to feel.  Sometimes all it takes to get there is recognizing that it is indeed within our grasp.

So yes - choose happiness - but don't forget to acknowledge what's real.  Take time to feel the rainbow of your emotions.  It enhances our good days and provides strength for the bad ones.

The Next Level.

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. A wise person thinks much about death, while the fool thinks only about having a good time" (Ecclesiastes 7:3-4 NLT).

The Bible says that sorrow is better than laughter. Why would that be true? Because when you are hurting and in distress, you are more apt to examine your heart and your motivations. You know your spirit is grieving, and you have the opportunity to deal with the root cause of the pain. It is far better to grieve and learn, than to be happy but a fool. (from DivorceCare daily email)

Can we not have a happy medium?

I think I'm really tired of examining my heart and motivations.

I'm tired of grieving.

I'm tired of trying to learn from my past.

I'm tired of discouraging Bible verses quite honestly.  

And sometimes, I'm even ready to throw wisdom out the window!

I had a discussion with a friend earlier in the week about people who are, let's say - not as bright as others.  How they tend to be much more caring and have sweeter dispositions than those who are very intelligent.  They also seem to enjoy their lives so much more than those of us who are in constant pursuit of the American dream.  They may not have as much materially - but they are happy with what they have.  They have a contentment that I've not ever known.

I want to be THAT girl.  My past is PAST.  Who cares?

Yet - I want to be respected.  And wise.  And the TOTAL package.

I don't see any reason why I can't have both.   There truly ARE silver linings to every cloud - you just sometimes have to search a bit to find them.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not throwing away my faith at all.  It is a part of me and will always be there.  But maybe I need a break from being SO serious OR maybe God is releasing me to just be me for awhile without trying so hard to be PERFECT.   Or maybe I can finally say - lesson learned, know that I passed the test and move on to the next level.

It's SUMMER.  Time for a break.  Time to freestyle a bit.  Time to really let loose.

And by fall - I'll be looking into some new subjects to study (wink, wink)

 

Making Sense of it All

I began blogging when my life didn't make sense.

Now, it does.

I'm feeling the need to turn inward for awhile so I will be taking a little break from writing.  In the meantime, I will be attempting to live the life I want to live.... without assumption, without expectation and without looking back.

I'll be learning as I go, making sense of it all - because this IS what I wanted and freedom is sweet.

Victory in Loss?

James 1:2-4 - Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. 

So ironically after I post about my faith in the ability of the Thunder and parallel their victories with my own, they happen to lose a game.  Figures.  That also parallels my life right now.  I have days where I win and days where I feel like I've lost it all.  Their loss last night rocked my world almost as much as a personal issue that came to light.  However, true victory is spurned by determination, perseverance and confidence.  These are things only obtained by God and He knows what He is doing!

Patience is not my virtue.  I get a little encouragement in one direction and I think I gotta have it ALL right NOW.  It's kind of like the basketball finals.....   Losses are discouraging but only a true winner can pick themselves up, dust themselves off and go at it full force again!  Losses in our lives are fleeting moments but they can be so extremely important for molding us into what we need to be.  We don't need instant success - otherwise it won't last.

I play for keeps.  I'm not into small victories - I want the whole enchilada.  I wouldn't be going down this road of tests and challenges just to live a life of mediocrity.  I had that before but I know I can do better, have more and be a CHAMP.  I'm not settling this time - even if it takes me a lifetime to get there.

I have faith in the Thunder to be victorious - whether they keep winning in the finals or not.  I respect them that much.  So, in the end, it really doesn't matter if you win or lose - it's how you play the game.  I need to remember this for awhile - and keep my head in the game as well!