The Sure Thing

Do you ever just feel like giving up?  Do you find that goals just sometimes wear you out?  And what about focus?  How in the world do you keep focused when life throws so many distractions at you along the way?  How do you keep at it when you don't really even know what the outcome will be?

I have my ideals and my hopes and dreams and goals and plans.  And then I have the real world.  

In the real world those hopes, dreams, goals and plans get all jumbled up with work, relationships, leisure time, schedules, sleep and whatever else might seem a little more appealing at the time.  It's the whole spirit willing, flesh is weak thing I've got going on. And then there's also the uncertainty.

But I'm learning.   At this point, its all about belief.  Do I believe?  What do I believe?  What really do I hold onto as truth?  Some of it is educated guessing but some of it is based on solid, sound experience.  I have gone back.....waaaaaay back - back into childhood through my teen years and into early adulthood and re-lived many mistakes made, dreams lost, hopes shattered and there is only one recurring theme.  God.  He was there when I told my first lie.  He was there when I felt my first hurt.  He was there when I said YES to Him for the first time.  He was also there when I rejected him.  There when I realized what wonderful gifts He gives in spite of my rejection.  There when I battled physical and emotional pain.  There when I had no other choice but to turn to Him.  He truly never leaves me.  He's always there to guide me.  He is the only One who can provide the healing I so desperately need and want.  He CAN do what I ask - but WILL He?  That is not for me to know.

If He is there, always has been and always will be and has kept me good through all the trials of my past, even when I wasn't seeking Him or had rejected Him - then how much more will He come through for me now....  Now that I do know Him, now that I do seek Him and now that I do call Him, friend.  He knows each struggle, each heartache and each moment of confusion.  I believe and trust Him with all of that and know that in His time, He will give me answers.  For now, He brings peace, encouragement and love.  And when I'm tired and giving up, He provides rest.

With Him, I am whole:

People with their minds set on you,
   you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
   because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
   because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. (Isaiah 26:3-4)

The Weaker Sex?

I may get in trouble with my own gender for this, but its true what they say....   women are the weaker sex.  I think though that when that saying started it was more about physical endurance and that's the part where I think we have a little edge.  I mean, we can do so much more physically with our bodies than men can AND we tend to outlive them.  However, what I refer to here is in reference to spiritual matters.

Look back to the original time of sin and who was singled out first?  The woman.  Obviously Satan felt he had a better chance of success with Eve.  Perhaps he even new that only Eve could persuade Adam to go along with her in that first human struggle with sin.  I don't think that trend has ever really ended.  Not that men don't have their vices too - I just think women struggle even more than men in this area.  Our sins may not be as obvious....  they are more internal and often even self induced.   They come in devious ways we often don't recognize:  low self esteem, feelings of insignificance, lack of self confidence, judgemental tendencies and control freakishness.

We also tend to struggle more with mental illnesses such as depression, OCD, bipolar disease and more.  We are more apt to find fault with things - especially with our men - and then we wonder why they don't engage with us like they once did.  We like to be the victim and blame others for our failures.  We also long for our men to step up and be the spiritual leaders of our household..... but - why would they when they've been led astray by us for so long ?  Why would they when we are so good at controlling things ourselves?

Now - don't get your feathers ruffled.  Men are most definitely NOT off the hook in my mind.  However, I am beginning to see things that I did in my past that actually became counterproductive to what I really wanted in my life.  I let things of this world become more important to me than what ~should~ be important to me.  I've been ambushed by the best....  the apple toting serpent has shown me many apples and promised much  knowledge and I let him tempt me.  I can't even say I was naive...  I was not.  I had been warned.  I knew better.

I say all of this not to let men off the hook.  God has given them very clear responsibilities and many of them are falling short as well.  Adam fell short in the beginning also.  Men will let us down - that's a given.  But part of that is due to the fact that we often place unrealistic expectations on them to begin with.  And that's just it.....  we can't be dependent on a man for our salvation.  We MUST step up!  I believe we are singled out by the serpent more than we know and we MUST equip ourselves to begin resistance training.  We must learn to resist his cunning ways and become strong in our faith.  We must quit trying to bring men in on our own sin!  It's only when we begin to do this that men can really begin to do their job - which is lead us spiritually.  Behind every good man is an even better woman.....  I believe that with all my heart.  Love with a 1 Corinthians 13 type love and strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Only then will you realize the full potential of the man in your life. 

We don't have to be the weaker sex.  We are full of potential...  God designed us that way.  Time to step up.  Learn from my mistakes - I know I have.

I'm not who I was....

This song by Brandon Heath just struck me today.  I wanted to have the lyrics here for future reference:

"I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was... 

The Right Choice

Just got back from church and had to write down this little snippet from Terry's sermon:

Sometimes its not about making the right choice.  Its about making the choice right.

Oh how that rang true to me this morning!

I made a choice this week and I've wrestled and wrestled over whether it was the right one or not.  I admitted to someone a sin I had committed against them.  It was one of which I was very ashamed and had sworn I would never own up to.  However, I wanted my relationship with this person to be right again and I had been stewing and fretting so much over a lie they had told me that I begin to realize that I needed to get the log out of my own eye before I criticized the speck in their eye.

It was disastrous!  It not only caused more division between us but also caused that person to wrongfully assume other bad things about me.  I first regretted coming clean.  But the longer I carry that regret, the more clearly I see that it is not my fault that it snowballed like it did.  My motive was pure:  to restore a relationship.  I can't help what happens from here.  I made the choice right and in the end it means I made the right choice.

By saying I made the choice right, I am saying that it was not an impulsive, off the cuff decision.  It was made prayerfully and over time.  It was in honor of my commitment to love and was in effort to end the ways I have failed at love.  From 1 Corinthians 13 - The Message 

LOVE:
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. 

As I continue on in the love assignment I've given myself, I find that the more ways I intentionally love those who are sometimes hard to love, I realize that this in turn releases me from anger, regret, guilt and condemnation.  I know where my heart is.  What they choose to believe is between them and God.

And when someone continually sees the worst in you, sometimes love means letting them go.  In order to truly love, we must love ourselves first.

Giving Up

Today I surrender..  I quit.  I give up.  No more will I try it this way.

But not in the way you're thinking.....

You see, I have this issue that I've tried to fix for years and years and years.  I've been spinning my wheels trying to find the answer to fix my problem.  I've prayed, I've cried, I've done everything my feeble little mind could think of - and it somehow occurred to me today that I have been my own worst enemy.  In the process I destroyed my sense of self, I destroyed my relationship with God and I destroyed my family.

Of course it was unintentional!  It was simply a mistake - a very understandable one given the circumstances.  But just because something is understandable or reasonable, does not make it right!

I have tried to fix everything that was wrong in my life all. by. myself.

I do not have the knowledge, experience or capacity to do this.  I have let pride, blame, pity, selfishness, rebellion, worry, injustice, excuses, harsh words and ungodly thoughts completely devastate my world.  I see it now for what it is.

Does it mean I am a bad person?  NO.  I am a regular gal, living a regular life doing things that seem understandable or reasonable or even sensible.....  but again that does not mean they were right.

So today, I lay aside reason, understanding and sensibility and I give up.  My efforts have been pointless.  It's time to own up and give up.  This issue rests here, with God.  My hope, faith and future are all in His hands.

He will restore what I've lost.....in His way, in His time.  For now, I'm thankful for correctable errors and clean slates.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that god corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.6 Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Clarity.

 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.  (Romans 2:1-2)

I was very harsh with someone last week.  This week I see why....  I am my own pompous ass.  I refused to see my own faults and instead focused on what I felt to be sins against me. 

19 years ago marked the happiest day of my life.  What happened?  I became blind.  Blind to my own faults and failures but quick to find this in others.  My heart was hardened - not because of the injustices done to me but by my own inability to see beyond myself.  As this has been a year of healing - or so I thought - it was only the beginning.  It may take me 19 more years to restore what I damaged.  However I know the right course now and God has promised that if I stay the course, my suffering will not be in vain.

Because you got a double dose of trouble
   and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
   and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:7)

Perhaps I've had confusion for over a year now, but clarity has come clearly - stabbing at me with hurling pain.  It's a good pain - the pain of growth, birthing pains to something new.  I just hope to see restoration of those things I wrongfully killed before.

Pushing through the Pain

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.” ~Paul Coelho


“Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself.” ~Havelock Ellis


“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee


“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.” ~ Saint Bartholomew


“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain” ~William Faulkner


“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles


“When thought becomes excessively painful, action is the finest remedy” ~Salman Rushdie


WOW!  I could keep going on these pain quotes..... the list is endless.  As I have been taking inventory of all my jumbled up emotion lately, I began to realize that it is all a form of pain.  I've suffered long enough!


I didn't realize earlier this week that when I decided to replace the passion of anger with the passion of love that it was actually a remedy to take care of the pain in my life.  It just seemed like the only thing I hadn't tried.  These quotes have confirmed to me that I am on the right course.


When I explained to a friend what action I have decided to take regarding the intense emotion I've been feeling, she was concerned.  When I told her how I was going to love - deliberately and intentionally the person who has hurt me most - she remarked "It's going to hurt."  I agreed and told her I was aware of that but that I'm not afraid of hurting.  It was hard for me to verbalize why - although snippets from some of the quotes above were running through my mind.  You see - I believe that after one has dealt with pain, they then develop a tolerance or strength over it.  I particularly love Saint Bartholomew's quote.....  we all tend to try to avoid pain but that is actually pointless.  We can't avoid pain - it just happens.  We can try to ignore it or stuff it away but eventually it surfaces.  Once we deal with it, we become stronger.   What we don't realize when we are in pain, is that once we get through it, we come out ahead - and we begin to feel all that we are beyond the pain and experience the wisdom that comes with that.


The last two quotes above will keep me focused over the next few months while I love intentionally and deliberately - choosing to take action.  Choosing to love - not look for love but actually do the loving - without expectation, without assumption and without looking back.  Sometimes the pain will seep back in and I will fail and falter just a bit - but I will then embrace the pain, feel every ounce of it and heal.

By loving him, I in turn love myself and become more aware of who I am.  No matter the outcome, I gain victory in more ways than one.