But Not To Me by Sara Teasdale

The April night is still and sweet

With flowers on every tree;

Peace comes to them on quiet feet,

But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast

Where I shall never be;

Love comes to-night to all the rest,

But not to me.

Trigger Anxiety

Know how it used to be that when an animal was suffering, many times the farmer/rancher/cowboy would have to "put it out of its misery" ?

I liken that to my marriage.

But its more like the beloved dog who needs to be put down because of a fatal illness. You know it needs to be done, but it is just so hard to let go.

I'm in the final weeks of this process and I think I've lunged into panic mode. I'm now looking for any glimmer of hope that we could be healed from this horrible disease. It doesn't appear the medicine has had any effect and instead, the cancer has spread. It is now out of my hands.

We are suffering but I'm just not sure I can pull the trigger.

What Can I Say?

So ironic - when a tune pops up in your head and you hum it, not thinking about the lyrics. Then you realize that the lyrics actually fit the mood you're in. Carrie Underwood got in my head today:
I hate to think all you had of me
Is a memory I left you, place between
what was meant to be
And the mess that it turned into

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number, but it's been so long
It's never easy, it's like tryin' to spin the world the other way
What can I say?

I just don't know what to say. I'm filled with so many different emotions that I don't know how to process them all. The main one is that I just feel so broken. I'm trying to see that as a good thing - but broken things tend to hurt. I feel so sorry for my part in the failure even though I know it alone is not responsible. I feel helpess, hopeless, powerless. And again those are probably good things because only then can I really give up and just wait. Wait for God's guiding hand to show us the way and get us out of this very deep, dark valley. Then maybe He'll spin the world the other way. What can I say?

Broken

The epoxy sealed heart is breaking again. The shell is still hard on the outside but inside the glued back pieces have cracked and some of them are loose - just getting tossled about with each step I take.

How can one go about mending those broken pieces with that hard exterior shell still in place?

It's certainly no job for me.

I know the Great Physician has a plan. Will He break the shell or soften it? Either way, to make me whole again he will have to get inside.

Of course,

Of course I miss you....

It's so hard not to fill the hurt with anger.

I once gave you my heart - my whole heart. When you took it, I thought and expected you would treasure it. But little by little you got careless and started neglecting it. So little by little, I took back small pieces and you never even noticed. I did this until one day, I had my whole heart back. I glued the pieces back together and sealed them with epoxy until my heart became a solid mass.

I just don't think I can soften it now.

Perhaps, in the future I can tear off little pieces to give to someone else, but I'm rather certain that no one can ever have my whole heart again.

CHANGES

For reasons I can't explain here, I will be moving this blog to another site. If you would like to continue reading my emotional purges, learning about my odd ways of thinking and attempting to find solutions to the problems of life - please email me at amyediger@yahoo.com or send me a facebook message and I will let you know where I am now posting. This blog will be marked as private in a few days so only those who are subscribed will be able to access it in the future. If there is anything you might want to go back and read later, please be sure you have subscribed.

And beware! The next blog will be a little more real and a lot less encrypted. My lessons in transparency are beginning to take effect.

Good-bye

Not my words - Air Supply. They often say it better than I ever could:

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye