Of all the ways we are loved….

God loves in so many weird ways.

Just when we are ready to give up, He often works on the hearts of those we love.

Turns out, I have not lost in love yet again but could be possibly be working on the greatest (albeit most complicated) love story of all time.

What, of value, comes easy in life?

I can't turn my back until all hope is dashed.  I thought hope was gone last week.  I was wrong.

There is hope.  There is faith (more than I knew).  AND there is LOVE.  Not just between two people but from the God who cares for them.

Luke 12:27 - Consider the lilies…..

2014

What a difference a year makes.

Obviously I am not who I was a year ago.  A long string of disappointment has left me weary, disgruntled and jaded.  2013 rang in with incredible hope and so much awe of how God works and how much He loves me.  This year I question that.

I have lost in love again.  I could say it was due to poor choices but I really don't believe that.  It started as something good and God breathed but turned on us both.  Wish I knew why or how.

The thing I have come to realize is that we don't get to know why or how on most things.  Sometimes we sit in awe over the good things and still wonder why God blesses us so.  We sit in tears over the hurtful things and cry out asking why and feeling like we don't deserve the hardship.  If we take a really honest look however, we realize we do deserve it.  We also deserve the good.  So why the paradox here?  Because we are neither inherently good or evil we are just human and we have choices to make - sometimes easy, sometimes not.  We can control our own choices but we can't control the choices of others and there are consequences no matter what.  Our choices have consequences for us and for others - and others' choices sometimes affect us even if unintentionally.

So even when you finally get a good grasp on your own life and feel  you have control - someone else who doesn't have control over theirs can still interrupt and wreak havoc on your order.  Someone whom you love, someone who loves you.  Love doesn't cancel out bad choices.  Love can seek the best in someone but only for so long.  Eventually all that energy gets used and the love gets depleted.  It's not love for others that wanes, it's love of self that gets stolen.  If we lose our self love then we die a bit inside and become no good to anyone else.

So I'm back at it - blogging to find Aimz again.  Learning to love Aimz again and in the process loving Christ like I should have been doing all along.  How many times must I learn not to put a man above my God?  Am I spiritually retarded or is there something else He's trying to tell me?  Only 2014 knows and it will likely take that long to discover myself again.  This will be a year of living in the moment, no assumptions, no expectations just breathing daily and taking life one step at a time.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything.

Discipleship, Christ likeness, and other mysteries

So.....

 Many things have been churning in my mind and for quite some time.

 I'm perplexed about faith and religion and church and the like. Strange, isn't it - to be still so unsure of one's spirtuality after having spent one's whole life IN CHURCH ? 

My faith is intact and STRONG. However, I don't fully grasp what I'm doing here. Why is church so important and what is my role? One can have faith without church and many people attend church without faith. Why am I so drawn to it and why is it so important that my loved ones share that with me? I honestly don't have an answer for that question just yet.

 And we are taught that we are called to be disciples - followers of Jesus. We are also taught to be Christ like. So, does that mean that as we follow Jesus and His teachings, we become more like him? Do we? ever? I mean, it seems so ebb and flow.... Sometimes we are very on cue with Christ, but others not so much. I would think that if you truly follow and spend time with Christ, this should be a constant - not an ever changing cycle. Perhaps that is just the human part of this. We are moody and emotional and NEVER constant.

 So it is, I suppose with our relationships. Not just with Christ, but with everyone. I don't like it. I'm tired of emotions. I'm tired of good days, bad days and in between days. I crave consistency.

 Because this is beyond my control then I must make choices that provide stability in my life and maybe that's where church comes in. It is one constant that has alway been a part of what makes me feel whole. It is the one place where most everyone there (for the most part) knows how love should go - even if they don't always practice it.

 I can't control how others love, but I can control how I choose to do it. If I'm true to my instinct, the best way is always the way Christ loved. It's far from the easiest way or the most comfortable way but it seems to me that He modeled it this way for a reason. My instinct also says that although people may come into our lives randomly, we are still to love like Christ loved. Sometimes that means that our love is not returned the way we would wish. Sometimes that means our love is ignored. Sometimes, life takes our love and stomps on it, or poisons it with cancer, or gets angry with it. Sometimes our love is overshadowed by other human distractions or worse, completely rejected.

 I believe that we've experienced all of those at one time or another and I'm positive that I haven't always kept on loving. In fact, I've done the opposite in most scenarios. But mistakes are how we learn. Ease and comfort don't work. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable, sometimes our feelings have to get hurt, sometimes we have to take life's arrows in the gut - but we can't let those things kill our love. We have to keep loving. The only way to guard our hearts is to keep using them - even when it goes beyond our human will to do so. Don't let your love die.  It's the only way to live out Christ's legacy.

And God said, "No."

When I was little, I asked God to make candy be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables - and God said NO.  When I was a teenager, I asked God to make me naturally thin with no acne and God said NO.  When I was an older teen and dealing with the first phases of an autoimmune disease, I asked God to heal me and God said NO.  When I was in college, I asked God to show me the right career path and God said NO.  As a young adult, I asked God to help me understand my husband and God said NO.  As a young mother, I asked God for more sleep and God said NO.  As I neared my 40's, I asked God to heal my marriage and God said NO.

Sometimes all we hear is NO, NO, NO.

After all of those negative answers to my questions, I pouted for a bit.  Then I cried.  Then I spent time angry at God, asking why.  Why must life be so stinkin' difficult?

But after the biggest NO of my life (the divorce), I began to realize that those negatory answers might have been the very clearest pathways to some of my best YESSES!

When I realized candy would never be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables, I eventually decided I liked my leafy greens.  YES!  When I realized that I would have to deal with my weight and the occasional pimple, I learned to look beyond the physical and realize how much more there is to a person - including myself.  YES!  When I figured out there was no cure for my autoimmune disease and God wasn't going to heal me, I found ways of coping and new medications were developed that ease my symptoms.  And it's not life threatening or severe enough to be debilitating so I really nothing to complain about.  YES!  I may not have ever found the right career path, but I got to spend time as a stay home mom.  YES!  I'll never understand men, but I've got some really great girlfriends who understand me.  YES!  I may not have gotten more sleep as a young mother but I'm getting quite a bit as a mother of teens which may be even more important.  YES!  God didn't heal my marriage, but He did heal my hurts and help me find myself again.  YES!

Sometimes NO is a YES waiting to happen.

So, I've had a few NO's lately.  And I pouted.  And I cried.  Got mad.  Asked why.  Just like before.  But at the same time, I'm not too terribly upset over them because I know that there is a yes waiting to happen, when the time is right and when I've learned what I needed to learn from the no's.

In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the yesses and learning to be thankful for the no's.  And that's what helps me sleep at night - knowing that no matter how hard life gets, there's a reward around the corner or maybe a chance for me to be someone's YES.

Fairy Tale mentality

Baby Girl is born, she is wrapped in pink and treated like a princess.

Toddler girl begins to learn what fairy tales are.  Is given princess costumes and tiaras.

Preschool girl watches princess movies and discovers the concept of prince.

School girl learns about "happily ever after".

High School girl - begins to wish that someday her prince will come.

College girl looks for prince, a big white dress and sees happily ever after on the horizon.

Young woman gains the prince, wore the dress and begins to have princes and princesses of her own.

Middle aged woman loses sight of the fairy tale.  Decides happily ever after was a myth.

Older woman decides happily ever after is dependent on herself and no one else.

Elderly woman sees that happily ever is attainable but not in this lifetime.

There is just something about the fairy tale that stays with a woman.  It takes on different meanings at different stages of her life.  Some women keep trying to find the prince but find most men fall short.  Some women decide early on its a worthless pursuit.  Some women hold dearly to the dream, let-down after let-down but are determined that their life will have that happy ending one day.

No matter what attitude a woman has adopted there is one thing I think that all women want.  We want someone who will fight for us.  I would even go as far as to say that this type of person would even bring hope to the woman who no longer believes in happily ever after.  There's just one problem with that desire - It's hard to find someone that can actually live up to it.

Thing is, I really believe that most men are fighters.  They want to be our knights in shining armor as much as we want them to be.  But perhaps we are not always so princess-like or inspiring.  It's really hard to fight for something that you may not believe in OR it's really hard to fight for someone that's already fighting with you.

We may want men to (excuse my vulgarity here)   "grow some balls" but often we are the ones who cut them off  in the first place.

And let's face it - if it's not us doing that then it's the crazy world we live in.  It's the crazy stupid world that makes us insane so we go off on our men and decide to take captive their balls so they can't fight anymore OR it's the crazy stupid world, that beats down our men sapping their energy and then leaving us vulnerable.  The crazy stupid world attacks us ALL.

It really doesn't matter what it is - my point is that we need to self examine before we make judgement - as do our men.  We are often left vulnerable, but are we empowering our men?  And even if we are the picture of perfect femininity and grace, do we ever stop and put ourselves in their shoes and really think about what they might be going through?  Are we praying for them and loving them the way we've been taught in 1 Corinthians 13?

I no longer believe happily ever after is a myth but I do believe that I have a role in making that my life. Love is not something that just happens to you.  Love is an action and I have as much responsibility to act on it as  I have to receive it properly and without expectation.

Now, do princes actually exist? knights in shining armor?  Perhaps not the way the fairy tales portray them but I know at least one guy who fits the job description - and he even fought for me this week!  Sorry all you princess wannabes - this one is mine!

All men have it in them - they just need the right lady in waiting to bring it out.  BE that girl......  you'll see.

Seek and Ye Shall Find?

I am at home on a Sunday morning in July.  That's very unusual behavior for me.  It's church day.  Church has been a part of my life since the beginning.  I can't remember a time that I wasn't involved in  church.  I've been to many - switched denominations, visited with friends, watched online, listened on the radio, etc.  There have been seasons in my life where church was a burden - another thing to do in my ever long list of "obligations".  There have also been seasons where church was just routine, or maybe habit.  There have been seasons where church was done only so my kids would have the experience.  In fact, when I look back over my life I realize that the majority of my years were spent going to church for all the wrong reasons.

However, the last two years were the exception.  My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go.  I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend.  It has been completely my choice.  No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty.  I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy.  I went because I wanted to.

I wanted to go for many reasons.  I loved the people.  I needed the social interaction.  The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear.  I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship.  It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness.  The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others.  I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.

But was that simply congregational?  Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school.  Or is it also in the timing?  Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.

Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now.  Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new.  I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile.  I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.

Churches suck at making people feel wanted.

But...  look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go.  It's not guilt I'm feeling though.  It's discouragement.  And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable.  How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there?  I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in.  I am supposed to be the exception to the rule.  May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth.  No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.

Workin' On a Smile

Sometimes you just have a bad day.  Sometimes even though logic tells you that it will pass, it is still all consuming and it causes your otherwise positive outlook on life to veer to the negative.  Even those things that were good yesterday begin to look a little, well..... blah.

Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life?  Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full?  Sometimes you can't help it.  Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.

How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted?  Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?

There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?

I believe that today I forgot to look for the star.  I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully.  Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star.....   I just think the impact will be lessened.  Maybe? 

And perhaps I'm grasping at straws.  I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time.  I can't fill this whole blog with hope!  Who does that?  While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself.  Wah, Wah.

These are the moments that either make or break a woman.  I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works.....   Can you guess what it is? 

Operation Take One Down - from the song:

‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride.  ~Daniel Powter.

Did I mention that bad days and all, I actually LOVE my life!  There is always joy - no matter what life brings. I can always find a smile even with a tear drop on my cheek.  Every moment matters, every emotion has a purpose, every day is an opportunity.  I'm glad there is a tomorrow..... even if I'm gonna kick its butt!