Grumble grumble

I know the majority of my blog posts are lessons I've learned or am in the process of learning - but sometimes the lesson is difficult to find.  Sometimes life throws so many daggers at you that you just can't dodge them all and you end up getting hit.....right through the heart.  

I've been tip toeing along so carefully - deliberately planting each step in my journey....  seeking direction and wisdom when all of a sudden the forest got deep and dark and scary.  And right now - all I want to do is step into a cave and hide. 

And then verses like the following hit me on the head:

“Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

I can look for things to be thankful for all day long.....  and I find them and I AM truly thankful.  However, being cheerful in the midst of a deep, dark, cold forest is beyond me.  I am not cheerful lately.  I feel persecuted, misunderstood and misled.   AND....  I know its NOT from God.  Honestly though - I am running out of fight.  I am weary, worn and beat down.

This is when I let God pick me up and carry me right?  All I can hope is that He really is doing this.  I do trust Him and I do know that he will use this time in my life for a reason - even if my feelings are not from Him.  He can still take my bad stuff and mix it, mold it  - make it into something beautiful.... someday....  in His time.  For now, I hope to remain moldable and not get hard and rigid.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way! Thou art the Potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after Thy will, While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Avoiding the issues.....

Yesterday was awful.  Worst day I've had in a long time.  It began awful and was awful all day long.....bad, bad, bad.  On my drive home from OKC, I felt extremely defeated.  There are many many things not going the way I would like them to right now.  However....  I am choosing to be thankful for this time in my life because God is still working - still doing something behind the scenes that I don't realize.  My hope is in Him and I will not let go of that.  So sometimes it seems that strife comes to us and we can't do anything about it.  That's just wrong.  Today I see that it tried to come my way but I'm going to avoid it and here's how:

1. Lips:   The wrong words spoken at the wrong time can cause unnecessary stress.  I choose to speak of positive things and choose affirming words.

2. Pride:    Proud hearts want the last word.  I choose to realize that silence is golden.  I do not have the need to be "right" or get the last word in.

3. Opinion:    Trying to convince others of my viewpoint does no good.  My opinion should only be offered if I am asked directly.  Otherwise I should listen and be supportive, encouraging as often as possible.

The other issues that I deal with have nothing to do with communication but more to do with attitude so I have to watch my internal dialogue as well.  What I perceive as bad news from my doctor does not have to be bad!  I have to discontinue the only medication that has worked for me since I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis and yesterday the doctor added the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia to my record.  I was initially upset with this - not having realized that some of my symptoms were indicative of this secondary disease.  However, the doctor helped me see the bright side of it in that having the 2nd diagnosis opens me up for more treatment options than I had before.  This could be a very good thing.  I was skeptical about Remicade in the beginning but look how well it worked for 5 years.  I'm thankful for those 5 years of health and perhaps that there is something even better for me.  Perhaps my new treatment could even be protecting me from some of the bad side effects of the Remicade.  That's just how I choose to see it!

I claim Romans 12:12 today:

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. 

I particularly like the last part of that verse:  Help the needy Christians, be inventive in hospitality.  I'm looking forward to a great weekend celebrating my son's confirmation at church.  He is one of my greatest blessings and I can't think of a better reason to get together with friends and family to rejoice in his decision!   I have so many blessings to consider - so many things to be thankful for.  In spite of all the yucky things, there are way more that are good.  This is what joy is.....  proper perspective even when things are not the way we think they should be.  It's also what faith is....  knowing God's got this in the midst of our worry.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

Ignorance is bliss

There are many times I've used the statement "Ignorance is bliss" and so many times in life that I've wished I didn't know something.  While some information is for our benefit, there is even more that is harmful !  I seem to be stuck on this wisdom theme lately and have wrongfully been comparing wisdom with knowledge.  There is a HUGE difference!

While a search for more knowledge is admirable and can be beneficial - we have to be able to discern the types of knowledge that will be healthy to us.  It's as easy to be distracted by harmful information as it is to be distracted by a chocolate bar when we're on a diet.  There is nothing more tempting or delicious than the most recent gossip going around town!  Not gonna lie - my head tilts to the side and my ear perks up when I hear a bit of scandal!  I also like the sweet taste of a little reality television occasionally.  I will even admit that I often seek knowledge that conforms to my wants or desires rather than what might truly benefit me (example - it's much more fun to read a Cosmo than pick up a devotional book!)

So if I want to become truly wise, it is really not about useless knowledge I can obtain in my social circles or on television.  It's about knowing what will develop and train my brain in a way that I can not only gain healthy knowledge but also be able to turn away from the unhealthy junk.

It's also in reminding myself that sometimes ignorance is an indicator that I need to dig deeper in a certain area.  Do some research.  Find the answer to my questions - not from junky resources like Glamour or Cosmo - but from those that have a proven record of wisdom.  One of my favorites is Joyce Meyer.  She quoted the following:

There's no such thing as trust unless you have unanswered questions in your life.  If you know everything, there's nothing to trust God for.

The reason this statement is so profound to me is that had I not had so many unanswered questions in my life a year ago, I would never have come to the ultimate resource for answers!  I had everything stripped away from me last year and found myself with nothing left on which I could rely......  or so I thought.  But God was there - ever present, ever comforting and ready to be my resource for the rest of my life.  If I had not found myself in that place, I might not have ever realized that being clueless is actually a blessing.  Being clueless fosters new relationships and deepens existing ones.  Not only has my relationship with Christ been strengthened but also my relationships with my family and friends have grown by leaps and bounds.  When I was at my lowest low - feeling like I could trust no one - God picked me up and put me in His palm.  And the blessing has been never ending since then.

So wisdom goes beyond the scope of seeking.... it extends to being thankful when knowledge eludes us and knowing whom to trust with our unanswered questions.  If I'd had all the answers a year ago, I'd still be in my unhappy place....trusting only myself to make life into what I *thought* I wanted.  Thing is, I don't know what I want - and that's ok!  God knows what's best.  He knows what I want even more than I know myself. 

The Ultimate Compass

I had the privilege of having dinner with one of my life long friends last night.  She is a true example of a woman who constantly seeks wisdom and her presence in my life is one of my greatest blessings.  She was asking me what sparked my quest to draw closer to God.  I hadn't really thought about what started this in me and I've had a difficult time pinpointing any one thing.  There have been a whole slew of circumstances which led me to the current path I'm on.  I could likely even document *most* of them - but there are some that simply elude me.  There are some that can only be chalked up to the mystery of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit has been a difficult concept for me most of my life.  God and Jesus seem a little more concrete to me - although still complicated.  However the Holy Spirit has just been too much for me to think about.  I've known all about the Trinity but I think I just felt that if you get the concept of God and you get the concept of Jesus, then that was enough.  The mystery of the Holy Spirit was just that - a mystery.  Boy was I wrong.....

The Holy Spirit is a hugely integral part of the Trinity!  The Holy Spirit is the one who speaks to me, guides me, and gives me those gut instincts.  How in the world could I glaze over this incredible influence in my life!  When I look back, I see so many times the Holy Spirit led me, revealed things to me and protected me.  It is the very indicator of WHO I AM in Christ!  When I ignore the spirit, I ignore myself and then end up making big unnecessary messes.  And what about me grasping the concept?  Honestly I was making it way more difficult than it really is.....the Holy Spirit is actually the One I'm most familiar with.  It's the part of the Trinity that is continually with me.  To Thine Own Self Be True - really means listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance.  In other words....that lump in the pit of my stomach - means the Holy Spirit is kicking me in the gut saying "LISTEN UP".  Be who you are!  ....BUT Who Am I?  I am who I am based on how much I let the Holy Spirit lead in my life.  I absolutely CAN be anyone, anything I want to be.  However, I won't be the BEST me without hearing God's presence (through the Holy Spirit) loving me, wooing me, guiding me.

If I simply ignore this presence in my life, I become human fleshy ignorant self.  I can be GOOD on my own but I can't be BEST without letting the Holy Spirit lead.  Wisdom is the ability to know the difference between good and best.  Furthermore, if I choose to ignore this - even if I'm still good - the potential to fall and become notsogood is ever present, ever tempting and I become greatly at risk.  The Holy Spirit is an insurance of sorts - to help keep me from the temptation to fall or be distracted that could put my general health in jeopardy.  God wants us healthy.....physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Humans can help us with the physical and emotional health needs but only by acknowledging the Holy Spirit can we begin to see true growth in our spiritual lives.  Only by staying in tune with this presence, can we maintain this spiritual growth.

So as I continue my journey and as I draw closer to home, I get little notes of encouragement in my daily reading.  The verse I got today showed me I am still on course and headed the right way:

Come home, hope-filled prisoners!
   This very day I'm declaring a double bonus—
   everything you lost returned twice-over! (Zechariah 9:12)

This was perfect in every way for me today.  I wrote "Hope Floats" not long ago and have held a tight grip on the hope I have in my future but it is SO NICE to see the promise that came with this verse.  Yes I am definitely a hope-filled prisoner but God sees my struggle and tells me here that everything I've lost will be returned to me TWICE OVER!  What a blessing.  What a peaceful reassurance.

And how did I get to this spot on this journey?  Not on my own....No I was guided by the ultimate compass - the Holy Spirit!  I'm so glad I listened to His direction!  Isaiah 30:21 explains:

urging you on whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."

Foolish Pride

I am becoming more and more convicted about my trial and error way of living.  I often hear Dr. Phil's voice in my head ("How's that working for ya?") and I realize that my lack of planning and purpose has cause a lot of turmoil in my life.  There are many reasons that I am here in this place at this time and in this situation.  Most of them I am keenly aware of but I realize there are others for which I have no clue.

I definitely need to obtain more wisdom.  But what is wisdom?  really?  It can't be defined entirely by education or experience or discernment.  It is a multi-faceted attribute.  The most accurate explanation I have found is below:

"One way to define wisdom is the ability to see into the future, the consequences or your choices in the present."  ~Andy Andrews 

Most of us have at least a hint of wisdom and most of us can tell the difference between good and bad - but how many of us can actually discern the difference between good and BEST?  That's where wisdom goes a step further.  We are all capable of making good choices but how many of us are really capable of making the BEST choice?  How do we know when its BEST to act or when its BEST to wait patiently?

I have been told since I was a little girl that I was wise beyond my years. I like to think that's true and be proud of myself. But honestly - I have so much more to learn!  There ARE certain areas in which I feel confident in the wisdom God has given me but there are so many more where I am completely CLUELESS.  It's only when that pride gets in the way that I become a fool!  When I put on that coat of strong, intelligent, confident "I GOT THIS" attitude - that I end up realizing I am actually indeed a FOOL.  When we begin to think we are fully equipped to handle tough situations and neglect to put our pride aside long enough to get help, then we only make a bigger mess and create more hurdles to jump.  We miss out on the blessing of important lessons learned and blessing others with the ability to help us and see us through trouble.

It is only when I release the need to look like I have it all together and begin to let myself be vulnerable and reveal my flaws that I gain the best insight.  So I gladly admit that I'm a mess because that's when the people that help put me back together share the greatest wisdom.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. http://bible.us/Prov11.2.NIV

To some I may appear a fool - To some my life may seem to be one long list of mistakes - but that's ok - because that means wisdom is right around the corner.  I can weather a few days of clueless if it means a life  lesson yielding wisdom.  Yes - mistakes are GOOD.  They are how we learn. 

Let Them Eat Cake

Mistakes, failures, blemishes, errors......   are they for real?  I mean honestly - none of us are immune from these things so can they really be what they are perceived to be?  Are they something to be seen as negative?

The older I get, the more beauty I see in flaws.

I've been going back this week.....waaaaaaayyyyy back - back to times even before I was born!  I have been thinking about the concept of generational sin - you know the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree".  Whether this is supported by genetics or upbringing is debatable but the pattern is a definite.  All of us struggle with some of the same things our parents or grandparents did.   When I think of some of the ugly things my ancestors did, I have mixed emotion and when I parallel those things with some of the things I've done, I am dumbfounded (and very ashamed).  What I realized this week that surprised me however, is that I have carried shame for some of the things that THEY did that are completely independent from me!  Why am I carrying around the burden of THEIR sin???   That was all I needed and I feel much better now that I can release myself from that crazy yoke.

I still have my own yokes however and I'm dealing with them. BUT as I look back at the lives of those I've loved, knowing so many of their flaws ( and not all of them I'm sure), I also realized that I love them just the same.  They are still just as beautiful to me as they always have been.  I also realized that because they are flawed, maybe they are even more beautiful.  They may have scars but those scars show the tough times they were able to overcome and that gives me hope.

I was reminded of a portion of a blog I wrote in 2009:
And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.

It also makes me think of my clocks.  I have a small antique clock collection.  For some reason, I was drawn to these clocks so I started buying them at garage sales, antique stores, etc when I ran across them.  None of them work and none of them were expensive (all less than $5).  They are all different colors, shapes, and sizes but they all have their own unique qualities that drew me to them.  They stuck out to me in the midst of a whole bunch of other "junk".   They are not junk to me....  I love them.  They make me smile when I look at them.  Why - because they are so much like me.  Broken.... but able to be used for good in spite of that. 

And as for the hard times in life I think about cake. (not the old have my cake and eat it too philosophy) but rather what is something so sweet and decadent made of?  Flour, eggs, oil, baking soda or powder, salt...... and sugar.  With the exception of sugar, all those other things by themself are nasty!  Stir them together, add something sweet, spark a little fire to bake the mixture and you've got a great dessert!  So even though life deals us some nasty stuff - there is always a little sugar to mix in and always a little spark to ignite our flame that tranform our lives into something sweet and decadent.  

Suddenly I have an urge to go paint a picture of a clock shaped cake ;-)

Tests, Trials and Storms

 I find it ironic that testing at school coincides with storm season - there are so many correlations and similarities between the two!


Testing is used as a tool to gauge how well you have learned something.  It lets you know if you've mastered a concept or need to go back and study some more.  Often times, passing the test is not enough.  You have to keep a certain level of knowledge on that subject in order to stay proficient.  You have to stay on your toes!


Storms come out of nowhere and often catch us off guard.  There is no prep time or way to study.  You have to act on pure instinct and hope you get through it.  Often you have to rely on help from others to stay safe or recover from one that has hit.


As different as the two are, the after effect is similar.  They both make you stronger.    Passing a test or coming through a storm requires, patience and endurance - two things we don't practice during times of calm.  It also requires focus and dedication.  We don't utilize those skills when we are just cruising through life - those only come into play when we need to accomplish something and usually only if it is something of importance.


It is only when we have been through many tests or weathered many storms that we begin notice that those very qualities: patience, endurance, focus and dedication are actually present with us at all times.  It is those very qualities that build our faith if we let them.  Our attitude and choices we make after the test or storm are what determine the outcome.  If we beat ourselves up over every answer we got wrong on the test and refuse to claim what we learned then we may not retain what we need to.  If we let a storm beat us up and take away our perseverance, we may become weak little wimps who can't handle the pressures of this world.


However, if we choose to ignore the mistakes or the beatings and see past all that to notice how much progress we did indeed make, we will only come out ahead.  We will be able to learn and grow from all that we went through in the midst of the test, trial or storm.


I have chosen to be thankful for every situation - even when I don't like it.  It's when I don't like what life has dealt that I've learned so much.  It is during times of discontentment that God has blessed me most.  And it is times of complacency that I've become lazy, worn out and uninspired.  So although I've always thought those who thrive on drama are a bit crazy, maybe drama can be a good thing.  I'm going to look at it that way from now on if I can :) 


1 Peter 4:12-13 “Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith.” 

Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is!

Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child.  (this one is my favorite!!!)  He has calmed me A LOT !