Dealing with alot this week. The hurt goes too deep even for me to write about. So I distract myself with books and the following comes from a paragraph in the book Crazy Love and quoted by David Goetz:
Too much of the good life ends up being toxic, deforming us spiritually. A lot of things are good by themselves, but all of it together keeps us from living healthy, fruitful lives for God.
This just stuck in my head this morning. I think that I was raised in the good life, grew up expecting the good life, and left my marriage expecting the good life to be even better. It has become toxic to me. And whether anyone agrees with me or my decision is really not my concern. My concern should be with what God thinks of me. God knows my heart. God knows my intent. And though I'm very much still distracted by the world, He knows I am still making effort to get the good life out of my system and get the GOD life back in.
I am also studying the life of David. God called him a man after his own heart. I relate SO well to David. He was such a screw up - as am I - but look how God used him! God knew his heart and I believe my heart is very similar even if marred and torn. God will take my heart, heal it and use me like He used David if only I will shift my focus away from that habitual good life I so love.
1 Samuel 16:7
God does not see people the same way people see. People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.
I plan on holding firm to the verse above.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Blue...
So most of this blog will be copied and pasted but I want to refer back to it because the info is useful to me. I just took a personality test and it is amazingly accurate. I am blue - not in that I'm depressed or melancholy but that is my personality color. TRUE BLUE! The description is pretty much spot on:
Congratulations, Amy, you are a BLUE personality.[I happen to love that it says congratulations :)] The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).
There is much, much more to the whole color code theory but it is really eye opening. It helps me see what I want going forward. A friend also shared this with me today and it really makes sense:
1. Spiritual chemistry creates love
2. Conversational chemistry creates communication.
3. Emotional chemistry generates affection
4. Intellectual chemistry creates interest
5. Physical chemistry generates desire
So - as I mull over the thought of venturing out into the dating world, I have written these things down and intend to read them daily. Is it possible to find all of these in one person? I guess only time will tell.
Congratulations, Amy, you are a BLUE personality.[I happen to love that it says congratulations :)] The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.
BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.
BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).
There is much, much more to the whole color code theory but it is really eye opening. It helps me see what I want going forward. A friend also shared this with me today and it really makes sense:
1. Spiritual chemistry creates love
2. Conversational chemistry creates communication.
3. Emotional chemistry generates affection
4. Intellectual chemistry creates interest
5. Physical chemistry generates desire
So - as I mull over the thought of venturing out into the dating world, I have written these things down and intend to read them daily. Is it possible to find all of these in one person? I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Journey
I have begun to realize that our lives are a seemingly neverending journey. Eventually we get to our destination but we are not clued in to the timing on that. We have nice rest stops along the way but between those, we have no idea what kind of road or weather conditions we will run into.
One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I have failed to realize the destination.
I have been wandering around aimlessly - searching - for who knows what! What a waste of precious time. It has done nothing but frustrate me, wear me down and tear me up. And all the while I've had the roadmap in my possession but was too stubborn to look at it.
It is a very detailed map but not as difficult as I once thought. The directions are clear but I have to be open to taking them. I see the beautiful picture of my destination fully knowing that the picture is not even a fraction of how wonderful that place truly is. I long to get there.
The road ahead is as long as the road I've been traveling, but now that I have the picture it seems so much more worthwhile.
So I will continue on with all the unknown weather conditions and road hazards ahead, savor each sweet rest stop in between and try my best to keep that road map within my grip.
I just very much don't want to be alone in his journey. I know I have the ultimate Navigator but I want YOU to come with me as well.
One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I have failed to realize the destination.
I have been wandering around aimlessly - searching - for who knows what! What a waste of precious time. It has done nothing but frustrate me, wear me down and tear me up. And all the while I've had the roadmap in my possession but was too stubborn to look at it.
It is a very detailed map but not as difficult as I once thought. The directions are clear but I have to be open to taking them. I see the beautiful picture of my destination fully knowing that the picture is not even a fraction of how wonderful that place truly is. I long to get there.
The road ahead is as long as the road I've been traveling, but now that I have the picture it seems so much more worthwhile.
So I will continue on with all the unknown weather conditions and road hazards ahead, savor each sweet rest stop in between and try my best to keep that road map within my grip.
I just very much don't want to be alone in his journey. I know I have the ultimate Navigator but I want YOU to come with me as well.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
THAT guy!
I am so newly single that I'm sure I really don't get it yet, but part of the process is coming to terms with my new status. Although I'm not ready to date, the freedom is still there so its always in the back of my mind. My feeling is that its best to know what I'm looking for before I put myself out there and I find that I still go back to those unrealistic fairy tale expectations. That in and of itself is a pretty big red flag that I'm definitely not ready. In entertaining that thought however, I keep wishing for that one man that would be willing to move heaven and earth to be with me. Tonight I was feeling rather down because in my heart of hearts I know there is no man that could fulfill that dream.
You know what God said about that? He reminded me that He IS that guy! There truly is no man who can be everything I want. There is no man or woman here on earth that will never let me down. But I have God and He is always here - always ready to hold me - always excited to see me - always available when I need Him - AND He already moves Heaven and Earth...just for ME :) Ok - and you too. That's whats great about Him - He is all that to everyone, not just me and it makes me want to fall in love with Him all the more.
So once again, after a very trying day - full of anger and tears - God pulls me close and comforts me. It's the gentle way he shows me that my focus is wrong and softly turns my head back the direction it needs to go. My goal is not to lean on men, but to lean on Him. My thoughts may keep wandering, but somehow, some way - my father steers me back to the right path. Even when it all seems hopeless, He shows me my hope is in Him. When I finally am able to know this on my own - then He will give me just what I need. Until then, this painstaking process is the only way I can learn that it's actually through dependence that we find freedom. Independence may seem to signify strength but that is only man's view - for it actually creates bondage to self. When we give that up, then we find the peace we were yearning for.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5
You know what God said about that? He reminded me that He IS that guy! There truly is no man who can be everything I want. There is no man or woman here on earth that will never let me down. But I have God and He is always here - always ready to hold me - always excited to see me - always available when I need Him - AND He already moves Heaven and Earth...just for ME :) Ok - and you too. That's whats great about Him - He is all that to everyone, not just me and it makes me want to fall in love with Him all the more.
So once again, after a very trying day - full of anger and tears - God pulls me close and comforts me. It's the gentle way he shows me that my focus is wrong and softly turns my head back the direction it needs to go. My goal is not to lean on men, but to lean on Him. My thoughts may keep wandering, but somehow, some way - my father steers me back to the right path. Even when it all seems hopeless, He shows me my hope is in Him. When I finally am able to know this on my own - then He will give me just what I need. Until then, this painstaking process is the only way I can learn that it's actually through dependence that we find freedom. Independence may seem to signify strength but that is only man's view - for it actually creates bondage to self. When we give that up, then we find the peace we were yearning for.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
SHE
SHE comes home today. That girl - the one God entrusted to my care. That girl - the one as complicated as I but with so many more levels than I ever knew. SHE is changing, growing - BLOOMING! I anticipate the flower she will become... The delicate petals of compassion, the sweet scent of her spirit, the tall, strong stalk of her wisdom. SHE is unlike any flower in the garden which makes her all the more precious to those that behold her.
I can only give credit to the One above for this gift of life He has entrusted me to nurture. I gladly embrace the role of caretaker even if only temporary. SHE belongs to Him and that only enhances my love of them both. He knows our needs and He provides.
James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
I can only give credit to the One above for this gift of life He has entrusted me to nurture. I gladly embrace the role of caretaker even if only temporary. SHE belongs to Him and that only enhances my love of them both. He knows our needs and He provides.
James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Icing on the Cake.
I've been reminded lately just how much our Heavenly Father loves us as His children. He calls us His own. He not only provides for us while on earth but has made for us a place in Heaven. He will never leave us or forsake us.
We can't say that about our earthly fathers.
Even if you have the perfect example of a father, at some point he will let you down and at some point you will have to say goodbye. What do our fathers give to us that stays? Our genetic make-up; a legacy of love and honor; an inheritance? If you're lucky you will get all or some or even one of those things. Some do not fare so well in the daddy department.
Whether you had the perfect model of unconditional love in your earthly father or a poor excuse for one, you will ALWAYS have the ultimate daddy. He is our Abba Father, Creator, Provider and Legacy for all have been or are to come! We are HIS! No need for an inheritance because He is NEVER going to leave us! He loves us no matter what we've done or are doing or will do in the future. He loves us when we are behaving but all the more when we are not! He understands our sin and is willing and ready to help us correct it. He hurts when we hurt. He smiles when we are happy. We can come to him with ANYTHING - absolutely ANTHING and He will extend His grace in any circumstance and as many times as we need it.
Think of the best earthly father you know. He may be your own, He may be your best friend's, He may be the dad down the street or He may even be Ward Cleaver.... None of them hold a candle to Our Father in Heaven.
Remember Him first today. All the others are just icing on the cake.
Father! - to God himself we cannot give a holier name. ~William Wordsworth
We can't say that about our earthly fathers.
Even if you have the perfect example of a father, at some point he will let you down and at some point you will have to say goodbye. What do our fathers give to us that stays? Our genetic make-up; a legacy of love and honor; an inheritance? If you're lucky you will get all or some or even one of those things. Some do not fare so well in the daddy department.
Whether you had the perfect model of unconditional love in your earthly father or a poor excuse for one, you will ALWAYS have the ultimate daddy. He is our Abba Father, Creator, Provider and Legacy for all have been or are to come! We are HIS! No need for an inheritance because He is NEVER going to leave us! He loves us no matter what we've done or are doing or will do in the future. He loves us when we are behaving but all the more when we are not! He understands our sin and is willing and ready to help us correct it. He hurts when we hurt. He smiles when we are happy. We can come to him with ANYTHING - absolutely ANTHING and He will extend His grace in any circumstance and as many times as we need it.
Think of the best earthly father you know. He may be your own, He may be your best friend's, He may be the dad down the street or He may even be Ward Cleaver.... None of them hold a candle to Our Father in Heaven.
Remember Him first today. All the others are just icing on the cake.
Father! - to God himself we cannot give a holier name. ~William Wordsworth
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Longing
A Prayer by Sara Teasdale
Until I lose my soul and lie
Blind to the beauty of the earth,
Deaf though shouting wind goes by,
Dumb in a storm of mirth;
Until my heart is quenched at length
And I have left the land of men,
Oh, let me love with all my strength
Careless if I am loved again.
I've never been afraid to love. It has always come easy to me. I think my mistake is that I loved with the expectation it would be reciprocated in like ways. I'm not just talking about romantic love but also platonic love, familial love. Ashamedly, I admit that because I know in my mind that loving with expectation is really not loving at all. A gift is not truly a gift if you expect something in return.
There have only been a handful of times that I was able to give love even without the thought of return. But those are the times I felt love the deepest. That is true love. I am reminded of those times tonight and when I read this poem. I want to continue loving just as the poem says with all my strength and without caring if I am loved again. My heart has most definitely softened and I am at high guard to protect it. But even if protected, it still beats strongly - and with each thump, with each deep breath, with each tear that falls - I long to know that again.
Until I lose my soul and lie
Blind to the beauty of the earth,
Deaf though shouting wind goes by,
Dumb in a storm of mirth;
Until my heart is quenched at length
And I have left the land of men,
Oh, let me love with all my strength
Careless if I am loved again.
I've never been afraid to love. It has always come easy to me. I think my mistake is that I loved with the expectation it would be reciprocated in like ways. I'm not just talking about romantic love but also platonic love, familial love. Ashamedly, I admit that because I know in my mind that loving with expectation is really not loving at all. A gift is not truly a gift if you expect something in return.
There have only been a handful of times that I was able to give love even without the thought of return. But those are the times I felt love the deepest. That is true love. I am reminded of those times tonight and when I read this poem. I want to continue loving just as the poem says with all my strength and without caring if I am loved again. My heart has most definitely softened and I am at high guard to protect it. But even if protected, it still beats strongly - and with each thump, with each deep breath, with each tear that falls - I long to know that again.
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