Exposed. Proceed with caution!

I write because it helps me express myself verbally. I write what I feel. But sometimes what I feel is not safe to share with the world....or at least I don't feel safe sharing it with the world. I could lock my blog and only allow subscribers to view it - but I really don't want to do that. So I often write in code. Those that know me well often think they can decipher my code and often they do just that. However, at times my code is misinterpreted and they get the wrong idea. I just want to call attention to that fact and issue fair warning that what you may *think* you are reading may be something totally opposite of what was intended.

In the past, I have had issues from not sharing my feelings with those around me. I have been a people pleaser so therefore, I used to put aside my needs or wants in order to make everyone else happy. What happened is that I ended up making myself very, very discontent. For the last 2 years or so, I have been working on being more transparent and I have been fairly successful in doing this without ticking anyone off too much. I will say now that I am on the road to finding contentment.... just not quite there yet. I have thoughts and feelings that confuse me and make me feel conflicted on a daily basis. This blog helps me work all that out.

My writings are often creative in nature. They may be pretend scenarios of situations I hope to encounter some day. This most definitely has been taken the wrong way by a few. I have taken down a few of my posts for this reason. This tempts me to quit writing ... or to write with extreme caution about what I say, think or feel but then that squelches any creativity I may need to express.

So I'm not going to do that. I'm going to keep writing and will write with clarity and purpose. It will be like the freshly cleaned patio door - you know the one - where someone thinks its open and walks right into it only to discover they should have been more careful ! But because I'm the homeowner here and I don't want my guests to get injured, my door will have some caution tape on it. My words will reflect my thoughts but the tape may hide some of the meaning. So read on my friends and loved ones..... but proceed with caution!!!!

PINK!

Because I've become addicted to Pandora and the sappy love song playlist I've created, I'm afraid the Valentine scrooge I once was is finally wearing off. I'm not sure how I feel about this. While the premise of Valentine's day is certainly admirable, I hate what the commercialized holiday has become. I'm certainly not against spending money on those we love, but the whole display of affection thing often comes across as ungenuine. And why set aside just one day a year for this? Why don't we make effort more often to spend time with those we love? I would much rather be taken out to dinner or given a gift on some random day of the year than on Valentine's Day just because of social pressure to do something for or with your sweetheart.

Sounds cynical huh? Maybe it's because romance in reality isn't what I grew up thinking it should be. Why is it that all little girls have that fairy tale notion that they might someday find Prince Charming? He doesn't exist! And although I have grown up and reality has hardened my viewpoint of love, I still find myself infatuated with the thought the true love is possible. I find myself believing that some have found it and have even kept it alive over the years. And that thought intrigues me and challenges me - it makes me want to dig deeper and find out just how in the world those couples were able to keep the flame alive.

This past few weeks has been extremely eye opening for me - not just in my own life but the lives of others. Love is dying all around me. Marriages are crumbling. Even those that seem rock solid most likely are not what they seem to be. I am beginning to understand that very few in my age group are actually happy with the spouse they've been given. Happily married is a myth. And I'm frustrated with that because I just don't understand why.

However, this year, for Valentine's day - I'm not going to be the Scrooge Cupid. I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to fall for it - hook, line and sinker. I actually LOVE the Valentine's day decorations and flowers and doilies and hearts...because my favorite color is on full display! I love PINK and I love LOVE. I doubt I will get all carried away and probably won't even buy anything BUT I'm going to lose the attitude. I'm going to believe in love again. I'm going to ignore the statistics and I'm going to just let my heart feel.... I may even smile at cupid a time or two.

Ambition

I hope this doesn't turn into a really pessimistic downer post about my disappointments in life but I had a doozie today that just really makes me want to throw my hands up and say "Why bother?"

And then it makes me look back over my past decisions in life and say "What was I thinking?"

And then I step back from the situation and ask myself "What's really important here?"

Because the fact remains - right, wrong, or indifferent - that my past decisions are exactly what makes my reality today and I have to really guard the things that are important right now. Or else, I will be looking back 10 years from now asking these very same questions....

There are things I want in life. I have always been fairly driven. I make goals and I achieve them. Somehow, some way, at some point in college I lost sight of any hopes, goals or dreams I may have developed along the way. I replaced them all with one single desire.... an MRS degree. That was fairly quickly and easily achieved and I remember being blissfully happy. Not long after that came children and that was equally as blissful for becoming a mother was a lifelong dream of mine. With all the other hopes, goals and dreams forgotten it was a logical conclusion that my focus was family and I eventually lost sight of everything that had once been *mine*. I was so good at focusing on the family and being everything to everyone else that I eventually became invisible. Not only did I lose sight of me, but I believe everyone else lost sight of me too. I was now Justin's wife, Anna and Drew's mom, Dixie's daughter, Jeff's sister, somebody's secretary, somebody's friend.

Where did AMY go?

A little more than 3 years ago, I was fortunate enough to be forced into a career change and I happened upon a job that I actually liked. A job that inspired me. A job that sparked new ambition. I began to set goals and little by little I accomplished them. I jumped through every hoop given and was ready to reach for the stars when the rug was pulled out from under me. It was time to move again - time to go back to our small, safe town. Which was good in a way.... but also a nice big roadblock to my journey. Moving took me away from all the opportunity at work. No more hoops, no more chance of advancement. As a virtual employee, working from home, I've acheieved the highest level I can obtain. I should feel accomplished perhaps...content, right?

If that's true then why then does my heart leap at the mere mention of new job possibilities? And why do I feel so let down, when I realize I can't even apply for them because of my location?

So today, when the possibility of a leadership position within the company was brought up, I got a little bit excited. I began to entertain the thought of a move. I was told I have a real shot at advancement and got the affirmative that my efforts over the last few years have not only been noticed, they've been respected. I even had some slight encouragement from home. It was a real possibility. WAS.

The more I thought about it though, the more I could see how it just won't work. It isn't about me right now. It hasn't been about me for a long time. I'm not sure it will ever be about me again. And I can't help but mourn.... It's obviously not meant to be and that part I can live with. I just really miss ME.

And is that selfish? I don't think so. If it were, I would just jump on the opportunity without regard for the others involved. Instead, I just have to figure out how to get ME back without squelching the dreams of the ones I love. I need to figure out how to channel my disappointment into something worthwhile here - where God has planted me for now. Replace my career goals, hopes and dreams with new, different goals, hopes and dreams.

Or just quit altogther. Sorry... just had to pout a bit. It will all look better in the morning.

Gift

When I was little, I remember a couple of times being given these really beautiful dolls. And I remember being so excited to play with them - brush their hair, change their clothes, intermingle them with my other dolls for tea parties, etc. Imagine the disappointment I felt when my mother sat me down and explained I shoudn't even take them out of the box! They were valuable collectibles and if kept pristine, would be even more valuable someday. How can a 6 year old possibly understand that? Dolls that were made only to be looked at?

So I ponder the question - does God give gifts like that? Would he give us a gift that seems to be everything we wanted and then tell us it has to stay in the box? Does it happen more than we know? I think He does. And I think we ignore that fact because we want to play with it SO BADLY. But when we do that, does it really diminish the value? If we keep it pristine, will it really be worth more in the future. And.... does that mean it can NEVER be played with? EVER?

I guess that is all in the eye of the beholder. I got a couple of dolls like that when I was little. One I kept in the box as Mom requested. The other - I decided was worth more to me to play with than to keep it pristine. I still have those dolls today. Which one am I the most attached to? The one I played with! I made memories with that doll and I will keep her forever. The other doll, I have considered selling on Ebay on more than one occasion! The value of each? Well monetarily,the pristine doll is worth more. But sentimentally, the doll I played with is priceless.

So what do I do with the gifts God has given me that are supposed to stay in the box? I haven't quite figured that out yet. But maybe, I will just crawl into the box with them. :)

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I think most of us desire to be "good" people. We want to say and do the right things, be considerate and respectful, find the right balance between personal and work time, and build meaningful relationships. While most of us want that, we often fall short. We also often desire to be just a little bit bad.... not in a way that might hurt anyone but in a way that would satisfy our inner bad girl.

But just what criteria are we using to define "good"? Are we looking outside ourselves for this? Are we basing our perception of good on what those around us think? And how do we classify bad? Is it against the 10 commandments or what your mother always said? Or do both these ideas come from within? Are good and bad completely different concepts for you than they are for me? Do we know ourselves well enough to recognize the good and the bad or are we afraid to face the truth?

I think I've been facing a lot of truth lately. I have been completely transparent, not only with myself but with several others who know me. I fear being perceived as a Debbie Downer and don't want to riddle others with my negativity. Many times I overcompsate with optimism. Is that being fake? I'm hoping it just means I'm looking for silver linings. I am reminded of a quote similar to this: If you can't change your situation, change the way you think about it. But is that denying your self? Sometimes I push my feelings to the background because I think they are negative. There is intense pressure to be a glass half full girl. But often, those feelings are valid and I should not only acknowledge them but embrace them! The more I ignore, the more likely I am to compensate with innappropriate actions.

But what about the ugly? What do you do when you have feelings you know are just plain horrible - not just by God's standards, but also the world's standards and even your own standards? Every person has a dark side - I don't care how Susie Sunshine they are. All of us have thoughts now and then we could never admit to anyone and sometimes would rather to refuse to acknowledge ourselves. However, these thoughts are often SOS cries and need to be analyzed. We need to love ourselves enough to address them. Instead of fearing them, indulge for just a minute but keep the logic in place. FEEL. Let yourself FEEL. Before you do this though, learn to accept yourself the way you are, give yourself the freedom to be real, love yourself enough to feel safe and secure in all your good, bad and ugly. Quit the comparisons and just be comfortable with you.

I for one, am going to quit trying to be the people pleaser all the time. I need a little time to love myself because I'm seeing some really ugly stuff in me right now. Often when a child acts out, showing them a little love and attention is all they need. I am now that child. I'm acting out. I need to turn inward for awhile.
Is it selfish? Some would see it that way - but I think those are the ones that haven't taken the time to truly get to know and love themselves. It's only by loving yourself that you can truly love and serve others.

Dilated.

There is a first time for everything and today I experienced one of those firsts.... I had my eyes dilated. I didn't expect much. Just a very routine exam. Guess I didn't really understand what all the doc can see when he does that! I knew it allowed him to see inside my eye, but I didn't know that it tells him not just about your optical health, it also can show signs of other health concerns. He can see the optic nerve and the blood vessels that lead to it. If the blood vessels don't look right in the eye, there is likely another problem elsewhere in the body. He can also see the retina - which is the part of the eye that helps you focus and see with visual clarity.

Dilation does not hurt. It does not blind you. It just makes it harder for you to focus on small things like text for a short while. It is a minor inconvenience but necessary for the doctor to check the general health of your vision.

Yes I realize my fascination with a routine eye exam is somewhat unusual and I was taken aback by that fact myself. But the more I thought about what dilation does for the eye doctor, I began to think that perhaps it's what God is doing to me right now.

For quite some time, I've been highly distracted and have lacked focus. I'm not really hurt and definitely not blind but there are certain things that lack clarity in my life. Maybe God is doing a check - looking at the blood vessels inside to show me where I may have other health issues in my soul. Looking at my spirtual retina to see why I may not have the spiritual clarity I need. It is a little more than a minor inconvenience right now but hopefully it is temporary.

I looked up dilate in the dictionary. The definition is to make wider or larger; cause to expand. I hope that is the result of my spiritual dilation and I know that whatever the result, God can provide the perfect remedy.

Peachy.

16 years ago today, I held a little baby girl with black fuzzy hair in my arms for the very first time. She came to me after an incredibly difficult and long 9 month journey. But as I touched her soft pink skin and counted her 10 tiny toes and 10 dainty fingers, I knew that every day of sickness and pain had been worth it. God knew I needed her as much as she needed me.

Her infancy was no bed of roses. She rarely slept and was colicky and cranky. She tried every last strand of patience I had. But somehow, through it all, my love for her not only provided patience but deepened with every rudely awakened hour. Eventually the terror subsided and she and I began to click. She became my
sidekick, my girlie, my source of laughter and joy on a daily basis.

Today is no different. She still has moments where she tries every last strand of patience I have but overall she still brings me laughter and joy on a daily basis. I am in awe when I look at her and think about all she is already doing with her young life. I marvel in the fact that she's mine. I take no credit for her intelligence and talent because I believe that drive comes from within. God has wonderful plans in store for her and I can't wait to see all He intends to do with her life. I wonder if Mary felt as humbled as I do when she looked at Jesus? I know that's a bit extreme but I am incredibly honored that God chose me to be this child's mother. I am even more honored that she looks to me for love and support.

With each new step toward independence that she takes, I experience a twinge of apprehension and fear. Not only is she venturing into this dangerous world, she is inching even closer to adulthood. She will not be at home much longer and will soon be on her way to the future she is destined to know. I am both excited and sad - yet I know it must happen. I feel God's hand upon her and I know He will be guiding her every step. And yet.... I long to hold that little hand one more time as she crosses the street, long to sing one more lullaby while rocking her to sleep, long to smell that baby shampooed hair and hear her chitter chatter as she reads aloud.

But yet - I wave to her as she drives off in her little green Mazda with a forced smile upon my face and a tiny tear descending from my eye....