A moment of silence. (that I could do without)

God... God.... God? GOD?!?! I know you are there! Why don't I hear you? You answered me regarding the other things we've talked about but now you are giving me the silent treatment. Are you mad at me?

I try so hard to be positive and upbeat and enjoy the blessings you've given me. I try so hard to be patient. I try so hard to be still and know you are in control.... And I do a pretty good job. Most of the time.

But today - today I need to hear you! I feel hopeless and used. I feel powerless to change whatever needs to be changed. I feel a loss....and I am grieving. I need to cry. I need someone to put their arms around me and hold me while I sob. Someone to stroke my hair while I cry until there are no more tears. A person. I need a go-to person.

You know my thoughts. You know what I need even better than I do. You know I need to hear you! But yet - you are not talking. to me. right now.

So I bury it. I bury the pain and emotion and continue on with the grieving process. I know you are there.... I hear you breathing....

God's favorite

So I've had a few choice words in my head for those friends of mine who have been praying for snow. But instead of being nasty I just counteracted their prayers with some of my own. Hmmmf!!! We'll just see who God loves best!

Cold temperatures and humidity don't mix well with my arthritic body so I tend to feel adversely toward winter weather. But I remember a time when I loved the snow and I was actually one of those insane people who prayed for it. And honestly, today I have no reason to be so against it. I still have no car so it's not like I am going anywhere....

When I got up this morning, I looked out the window and lo and behold - NO SNOW! Maybe I AM God's favorite - I say to myself as I get dressed and ready for the day. As I put my make-up on, I recall all the wonderful things He's done for me. Then I bebop downstairs to the wonderful smell of bacon and eggs - a husband specialty in our household - and think yet again - Look at how God loves me!

BUT.... as I'm cheerfully chewing on a piece of fresh bacon, I catch a glimpse of something white and have a flash of snowglobe in my head. I look closer out the window and.....wah, wah - "you're enjoying your day, things are going your way, when along comes Debbie Downer" (wish I could play music in a blog - because the debbie downer song from SNL started playing in my head as the snow slapped me in the face).
I hung my head like the little sister who just got beat in checkers by her big brother.

I took my dreary demeanor to my work desk knowing that today is going to be a crazy, hectic workday and grumbled about that as well. But then I turned my chair around and looked out across the neighborhood as the beautiful big flakes of snow fell and began to accumulate. A big white fluffy blanket of snow had started to cover the neighbors yard and as I watched it fall, I felt a sense of peace.

And then it dawned on me - - I am STILL God's favorite! He knows what I want/need even more than I do. I didn't think I wanted this snow, but He gave it to me anyway knowing that it would be a calming influence on a day that I might otherwise be on edge. My arthritic body isn't feelng even a twinge of pain and I don't have to go outside for any reason at all so there's no reason for me to be hatin' on the snow and every reason to see the beauty of God's love in each unique flake. Yes - I am God's favorite - indeed.

Word.

Is your mind ever so full of thoughts that you can't put them into words? That's exactly why I blog. However, there are times - like tonight - that I can tell my head is so full that I need to purge - in word form - to get the confusion out of my mind. And I sit here, hands poised on the keyboard, waiting for the flow of words to hit my finger tips and spew out the jumbled up mess of conflicting ideas, feelings and emotions onto the computer screen. And I sit some more, head topsy turvy, rumbling and tumbling, and I get.... N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Apparently what I am going through right now can't be explained or described.

All I know is that I don't like unanswered questions. I don't like being unable to solve the puzzle. I don't like being unprepared for the test. I don't like unresolved emotion. and I don't like feeling ill equipped.

In order to resolve all of the above things I don't like, I would have to have some glimpse or inkling of how the future will take shape. But even if I could flip forward a few chapters in this thrilling suspense novel called life, I don't think that I would do so. I am anticipating what will happen next but also afraid to turn the page. I think it may be time to hand the book over to the Author and trust with all my heart, that He knew just how to write the perfect ending and will read the next few chapters to me in a way that calms and soothes my ever longing soul.

The Moth and the Apple

Once upon a time there was a moth who lived in the Great Plains of Oklahoma. Little Miss Moth had a happy childhood and picture perfect life but for some reason she flittered and fluttered around unable to find true contentment. She felt average and boring and often, invisible to those around her. She flew around from flower to flower, bush to bush, tree to tree - doing the things that all little moths do but found no meaning to her existence. She enjoyed talking to the other moths and beetles and ladybugs but still felt very much alone in spite of knowing she had a nice number of bug friends who cared for her.

One day, she encountered a spider. He was very friendly and knew all the right things to say. She even began to think that he was a very attractive bug. She spent more and more time with him all the while oblivious to the fact that his silky smooth demeanor was drawing her in and wrapping her in his feathery web little by little. One day, she decided she might be spending a little too much time with Mr. Spider and tried to go back to her other little bug friends but found she was trapped! She struggled and fought to get free of that web entanglement but got only further entwined. Eventually she found the strength to gradually break free and she got away from the horrible web, only to find that feathery remnants of the web remained attached to her wings and hindered her flight. She could not seem to rid her wings of the web remnants but decided she could continue on in spite of the burden.

Life was hard with the burden of the web still upon her wings. She decided it might be best to take a break from flittering and fluttering around and built herself a nice, cozy coccoon. Her coccoon was nestled in an old oak tree across from an orchard where the afternoon sun shone brightly. Every afternoon, Little Miss Moth would peek out of the pinhole in her coccoon where she could see just a tiny glimpse of red hue. She wondered what that red might be. It enthralled her. She was so intrigued by that color, that she wanted to know more. Little by little, each day the sun seemed to shine a little brighter into her coccon and the little pinhole seemed to open a little bigger. Every morning she could see a little bit more of the attractive red item until she finally was able to make out just what it was - an apple! A beautiful round, red, juicy apple that reflected the rays of the afternoon sun so brilliantly that she yearned to see it up close. As the pinhole became bigger, Little Miss Moth began to think that maybe, just maybe she could leave the coccoon. She would see a little more of the apple each day until she saw the way out. The coccoon began to crumble. She was free! Free to go see the apple. As she hovered there on the branch of the big old oak tree, fear overcame her. What if she fell on her flight over to the apple? What if she got to the apple and it was a disappointment? What if the apple disappeared before she got there? As she hovered, she decided that she must at least try to see this apple and off she soared.

As she flew, she began to see glimpses of light that she had never seen before. She noticed her wings seemed to work better and they had increased in size and might. The web remnants were gone! Not only was the web no longer captivating her, but her wings were now beautiful and full of color! How did this happen? How could she have changed so much in so little time? As she arrived at the apple tree it dawned on her. It had to have been the apple! The apple reflected the brilliance of the sunlight in such a way that she was able to make little changes over time that helped to clear the webs from her wings and cultivate splashes of color that beautified her flight. She bent down, and for the first time, was able to see the beautiful apple up close. And the apple was everything she had hoped and imagined. It was not without flaw but it was clear the imperfections only gave it character. It was the perfect shade of red. Getting to know the apple had changed her and finally getting to touch it made her feel complete. She thanked God for the apple even if she knew the it was not meant for her. Before she took flight, she bent down and gave it a tender kiss.

It was difficult for her to leave the apple. She had no idea if the apple would still be there when she returned. She knew someone else might come and pick the apple but she also knew the apple needed just a little more time to ripen before it could break free from the tree. She also needed to fly. She needed to strengthen those beautiful wings and learn to fly with freedom - without the cumbersome burden of the web. So she said her goodbyes to the apple and as she took off she prayed that someday they would meet again... You see the apple wasn't just beautiful and wonderful - the apple also inspired Little Miss Moth to be a butterfly. She would never forget the apple and would consider him forever in her heart.

Loosen the grip....

Another repost from the former blog:

Jan 25, 2009
random thoughts

Certain things in life grab hold of us for various reasons. Sometimes it's people, sometimes it's a habit, sometimes it's a particular food or a way of doing things. This happens because the person or thing or practice meets a deep seated need of some sort. It brings forth some type of pleasurable feeling so we continue on with it and even eventually cling to it until we can't let go. When these things are taken away, we go through withdrawal which can come in a multitude of forms..... sadness, headaches, cravings, etc - depending on what the addiction was. The initial stronghold is in initiated in somewhat of a courtship manner....there is flirtation and then actual contact and then dating and then a full blown relationship - each step creating a tighter grip but in an intriguing process. At some point you may realize what's happening and try to stop but rarely is one successful. Instead, you find yourself with a tighter grip than before.
Then all of a sudden one day the subject of your addiction is taken away - unexpectedly, out of the blue - ripped out of your hand...... but yet your grip is just as tight - and you can't figure out how to unclench your fist. You try - but the pain is unbearable. Then in similar fashion to the initial courtship - the steps begin to re-occur but in reverse. As time goes buy you find the grip is loosened, each finger unwrapping from the palm until finally the pinkie pops out and you find your hand fully outstretched - fingers spread - palm exposed. The relief is almost overwhelming as you realize how taxing the whole thing has been to your spirit. You have finally broken free. You've kicked the habit. You realize that what was once so extremely important had actually been a poison to your system and that it was slowly shutting you down. You now realize that the hand that formerly clutched so tightly to the beloved specimen is now so much more useful when empty. Perhaps it has nothing now to grab ahold of - but that is not a negative consequence necessarily - as it is now free to grab and let go where appropriate. Or perhaps it's clutching on to something new - something better - something to enrich your life instead of complicate it.
Breaking free or letting go is an exhilarating experience once you get past the withdrawal. Releasing the grip takes courage, steadfastness and great effort. When you realize you are finally getting away from the stronghold, the feeling can be so much better than the initial falling in love. I've only experienced it a few times in my life, but it is a sweet victory. Would it have been better to never have been under the spell to begin with? Perhaps. But I am reminded of a few words from Alfred Loyd Tennyson - "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. " Through our mistakes, we are more human and many times this is how we relate to one another. So I am glad to have been there and done that even if it wasn't in my best interest at the time. I loved, I lost, and above all - I learned.

Oldie, but Goodie

Found this on my old blog - it spoke to me this morning....

Jan 31, 2009
I'm a mess

Not really - well kind of I guess. This quote from Private Practice just hit me this morning as I was catching up on my shows....

Violet: I'm a mess.
Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are.

I agree with Sheldon. Some of us don't want to admit it, but we are all a mess inside. We don't like to put out our dirty laundry and mistakes for all the world to see. We like to appear that we've got it all together, that we're happy, that we know exactly what we're doing. Think about people you know that really do appear that way.... More than likely, they have inner issues that you don't know about. Now think about that person who is real - who has issues - who needs help. Which one do you prefer to have as your friend? Me - I want the messed up cat - the one with issues - the whacked out one. Why? Because #1 - I don't feel so bad about having issues of my own and, #2 - I like to feel that friendship is a two way street: I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.

I used to be a perfectionist. This was before children. Thank Goodness God blessed me with a colicky baby. Because of her, I was able to let go of that pressure. As I get older, I discover that perfection is overrated. I've become endeared to flaws. In fact, I collect old clocks that don't work. I don't want them to work. They are beautiful even if they don't do what they were made to do - I've found a new purpose for them and they make me happy.
God didn't expect us to be perfect either. He created us knowing full well that we would not live up to our potential and you know what? He loves us that way. The more we screw up, the more we learn about Him and about His love. Mistakes are a good thing - they are sometimes the only way we learn.

The "Sitch"

I have a situation. It's been brought about by pure chance...or perhaps a small twist of fate - and it leaves me completely at a loss. I don't know whether to act or wait or reject the new ideas that are forming in my mind. For the last 2 years I've felt God telling me that I am where He wants me. Now I am beginning to feel the uneasiness of looming change. So I pray. And I pray. And I pray some more. I pray first thing in the morning, last thing at night and about 52 times a day in between. And I have a prayer partner in this so I know - I KNOW God is going to answer. He will take care of the "sitch" for me and that gives me peace.... to a degree. The unknown variable is that I am uncertain as to HOW He will take care of this.

In the past, in other situations, I've taken the same course of action and He answered in time (sometimes longer than I would have requested) but His answer and remedy was so contradictory to my expectation, that the resolve was somewhat of a let-down in spite of the fact that the result was what I asked for. So my anxiety is warranted I believe - even though He tells us - "worry not".

It IS out of my hands to a degree but there are actions that can be taken to bring about what I ultimately desire. My question now is do I take steps toward action, or do I sit tight and wait upon the Lord? I feel His presence... in fact, He's so close I hear Him breathing - - and I think I hear a faint whisper that says, "Act". It is so quiet that I almost doubt Him. But I no longer hear the firm voice that says "you are right where I want you".