CHANGES

For reasons I can't explain here, I will be moving this blog to another site. If you would like to continue reading my emotional purges, learning about my odd ways of thinking and attempting to find solutions to the problems of life - please email me at amyediger@yahoo.com or send me a facebook message and I will let you know where I am now posting. This blog will be marked as private in a few days so only those who are subscribed will be able to access it in the future. If there is anything you might want to go back and read later, please be sure you have subscribed.

And beware! The next blog will be a little more real and a lot less encrypted. My lessons in transparency are beginning to take effect.

Good-bye

Not my words - Air Supply. They often say it better than I ever could:

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

Pearly

Church is not for everyone and I don't know that it's something I particularly *need* for spiritual growth but it occurred to me today why I keep going back. It gives me food for thought. I suppose it is one of the ways God talks to me. I often find myself daydreaming and not focused on the sermon but I think most everyone does that. And I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily. As long as I pick something up somewhere, then I feel I haven't wasted my time. I sometimes get something from Sunday School and more often than not, really take from the children's sermon - which is where my thoughts are going today. Maybe I'm still a kid at heart or maybe it's that childlike faith thing I've been trying to grasp and maybe I just love the little kids so much that they get my attention and then I'm more apt to listen.

Sorry to digress.

Today's children's sermon was about pearls. Pearls come from oysters and are formed by oyster 'spit' and sand (or some other irritant inside the pearl). It takes 3 years or more for a pearl to form. The formation is a result of an irritation inside the oyster. They come in all different shapes and sizes but they all have a beautiful irridescent appearance. Perfectly round pearls are the rarest and most valuable shape.

I have decided that right now I am the oyster. There is some sand in my soul and I've decided to spit on it. I can tell it will be an irritation for quite some time to come. But I think as time goes on, I will become less and less irritated and inside me I'll be forming a beautiful rare gem. I am really hoping the gem I form will be of the rarest and most valuable - a perfectly round pearl. Why am I hoping for a circular pearl? Because of this description I nabbed from Wikipedia:

"The circle is a symbol of God because it has no beginning and no end. The circle or pearl was considered to represent Love, Knowledge (the combination of equal amounts of Love and Knowledge is a symbol of Wisdom, the 2 circles intertwined (owl eyes) is symbolic of Wisdom"

I never really thought of wisdom being the result of love and knowledge but the more I ponder that, the more it makes sense. Knowledge without love is fairly useless. Love without knowledge is pure folly. The 2 combined make the perfect combination!

So even if I have to be an oyster for awhile, I think the pearl that is forming may very well be worth it. The irritation is not pleasant, but without it I can't form any pearls.

Shakin' in mah boots....

From Psychology Today:
Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason.

I wish I had an official count of how many times in the Bible are written the words "Fear not." I would even venture to guess that the count is close to the number of times love is mentioned. In hand with both of these is the concept of faith.

My biggest barrier to faith is fear.

I think of the disciple Peter. When Jesus walked on water, Peter asked to join him. Peter had the faith to step out of the boat onto the water. But then he looked away from Jesus and became fearful of the wind and storm. At that point, he let doubt enter his thoughts and lost his focus. Doubt is not the absence of faith it is a test of faith. When he began to sink, he cried out to Jesus and Jesus pulled him to safety.

I feel a storm brewing and I am afraid. I hope that once the storm hits, I will catch a glimpse of Jesus walking on the water towards me. I hope that I will have the faith to step out towards him as well and not lose my focus. The winds will blow, the thunder will boom and I would imagine lightning will strike. Knowing how human I am - I will likely doubt that I am doing the right thing in all this. I may even look away for a moment and begin to sink but it is then I will cry out to Him.... or maybe I'm already at that point. I feel myself sinking and I am crying. Yet I see His hand reaching toward me, ready to pull me to safety. That hand of grace is always there...reaching. And that is my comfort for today.

Any prudent person might suggest I never get out in the storm to begin with. If I know it's coming, just stay home. That is the safe thing to do. That is the easiest, the most comfortable. I could do that very thing but if I do, I may not reach my destination in time. What if I missed my opportunity to witness a miracle? For if the disciples had not been out in that storm, they may have never seen Jesus walk on water and Peter would have never had the faith to try it himself. Perhaps that is next on my bucket list.... walking on water. For now, I'm just trying to find the perfect storm in which to test my faith even if I must grasp the hand of grace a few times in the process.

Honestly?

I do believe this week has had a recurring theme: honesty.

And I believe I have come to the realization that this word is actually a fictitious lie. Ironic, isn't it? For I believe no man (or woman) is capable of ~real~ truth.

But I also believe that complete honesty is probably not entirely healthy.

We all must lie from time to time. Otherwise we'd get ourselves in some serious conflict. How can you tell Aunt Martha that her new blue hairdo is atrocious when you know she is quite proud of it? How can you tell your coworker that her new baby looks more like a piglet? How do you look your 3 year old who is so proud of dressing himself that his pants are on backwards and his socks don't match?

There are also secrets we keep that we most definitely NEED to keep. It wouldn't be good to go out and admit to the world all of the past mistakes and baggage we carry. It doesn't serve a purpose and often would just hurt others if they knew the details of our innermost thoughts.

HOWEVER, I do feel that we should have a few trusted friends or family members that DO know almost all of our dysfunctional mistakes and baggage and horrible thoughts and desires. Why? Because when you find those that know pretty much everything about you and love you anyway then it's so much easier to forgive yourself and LOVE yourself. And also - by opening yourself up to others in this way, they are able to share with you their horrible thoughts and feelings and when they see that you not only carry no judgement but love them too then you are on your way to finding true intimacy. We are all screwed up in one way or another so it's nice to be able to just be ourselves around those we love. It can also give us some accountability and keep us from bottling things up inside which then leads to negative behavior.

MOST IMPORTANTLY however, it is important that we are honest with ourselves. Too often we are so afraid of the ugly, that we lie to ourselves about our shameful acts. We use semantics to excuse away certain aspects of behavior that we just can't seem to acknowledge (example - calling your addiction a habit - it doesn't quite sound as bad that way) This is perhaps more clearly defined as denial. Denial is dangerous because you refuse to acknowledge and address a problem - and this causes the problem to worsen - until there is no fix. If this is habitual, you lose yourself. And once you're lost, it's very difficult to get back to the authentic you. If you don't find the authentic you, then you're not emotionally able to give to others in love as God would have us do.

I have seen not one, but two counselors this week. Each one seemed to lean in opposite directions of the particular problem at hand but they both had one suggestion in common. BE HONEST. They both encouraged me to be honest about anything and everything I'm feeling. This is definitely an area I've had difficulty with in the past - not because I intend to lie - but because I'm afraid to hurt feelings or create conflict. And by fearing these things, I've lost a bit of myself. I see glimpses of her coming back and I have to give credit to truth for that. It's definitely not always pretty, but it certainly serves a purpose in our lives.

So along with this honesty theme this week, I received an interesting quote from a friend. It just goes to show that we each have our own ideas and opinions as to what this word truly means....

Honesty means that everything you say must be true, but not necessarily that everything true must be said.

I do see the point to that statement. But if the goal is transparency with self and others, it just doesn't fit. I feel it's a little like my glass patio door analogy. Freshly cleaned glass patio doors are so transparent that people often walk right into them and hurt themselves. Sometimes we have to put a little caution tape on them to keep that from happening. In doing that, we keep ourselves and others safe - but we also lose that true clarity that gives us the clearest view outside. We use the tape out of fear that we might hurt ourselves but in doing so we sacrifice some of our view. Do you really want the tape? Or would it be better just to watch out for those you love and warn them if you see them heading to quickly toward the door? My personal opinion - nix the tape so you get the most clarity. If others decide to smudge up your door with fingerprints, so be it. You can always get it clean again. If walking into the door is truly a problem, just open the door and let in the fresh air.

Also - if everything we say must be true, then we're going to hurt alot of people. Because I, for one, tell an awful lot of white lies. True transparency may very well be a farce. And honestly, those clear patio doors are becoming obsolete.

Uncertainty

Life is full of so much uncertainty. That is a huge frustration to a control freak like me. I know that living in the present is the healthiest place to be and that looking back is not productive but how do you keep from looking forward? I am such a planner! I want my ducks in a row. I am never more out of my element than when I don't know what's around the corner.

But that desire is futile. Just when you have plans made and you think you know what's next, something comes along to throw you off course. That happened to me and a friend last week. We had definite plans and were blissfully headed to our destination when all of a sudden, our plans were thwarted...in a BIG way. It was what some would consider a minor accident, but its impact was deep. The car had very little damage (less than $300 probably) but we experienced a great emotional wound.

It was one of those experiences that really make you think about how short life is. And in a way, it sort of squelched any desire I had for that crystal ball. If I know how many accidents are around the corner, I will begin to fear what's next. I don't want to live in fear. It also shook me into realizing that in a way, I already live in fear. I stay with what's comfortable because it seems to be a sure thing even if it might not be what I really want. I don't step outside my box because I'm afraid of the unknown or what people might think. It's time for me to quit faking it. Fake it til you make it = dysfunction. Authenticity is where it's at. I can't pretend anymore. I'm not good at it. It's time to be real and maybe through that, I will heal.

I have been a people pleaser and through that I've pleased everyone but myself. I have always thought myself a fairly transparent person, but perhaps I haven't been as "open book" as I thought. I was taught that when you aren't feeling that way you want, act as if you do and then the feeling will eventually come back. Yeah- notsomuch. Instead I've given out a false sense of security. And now that I'm beginning to be honest with myself and others, I'm beginning to show a little bit of the ugly. It's like exposing the stretch marks on my hips.... very uncomfortable and fear invoking. I know they're ugly and would rather hide them. Same with some of my truthful emotions. Thing is, I have to accept them for what they are and understand they are not what make me who I am. They are merely surface flaws. The best parts of me are what sparkle and shine and when those are in full display, nobody notices the stretch marks or the ugly truthful emotions. And even if they do, it is those very people who see right past them and love me anyway.

So for now, I'm ok with uncertainty.... sort of. I just pray for peace to get me through it.

Master Manipulator

The Old Testament just makes me laugh sometimes. My Old Testament passage today was about Sarah. We've all heard her story a few dozen times I'm sure. How desparate she was to have a child and how it just didn't happen for her. So what did she do? She decided to have Abraham marry her maid Hagar so they could conceive and she could have a family that way.... How Jerry Springer of her! I'm sure it seemed a great idea at the time but as often happens when we try to manipulate our circumstances, it back fired on her. I would imagine she and Hagar were pretty tight before all of this - how else would Sarah pick her to have a child with her husband? But as soon as Hagar became pregnant, the jealousy and resentment set in with poor Sarah and she got mean. She was so mean in fact, that Hagar ran away. God sent an angel to tell Hagar to go back and take the abuse! I can't imagine why God would want her back in an abusive situation but He did. I think I can understand Sarah's reaction - not that I agree with it - but as awful as she was through this, God still blessed her late in life with her own son and allowed her to be the mother of many important generations to come. This is not just Jerry Springer material, I think Dr. Phil could tape a few interesting episodes from this as well.

I guess why it intrigues me so is that many times through the Old Testament we see God's people behaving badly. We see them hurting each other, cheating, telling lies, being jealous, stealing, etc. But somehow, some way God still used these people and often used their sin in a way that accomplished His goals. (or I guess more appropriately worked around their sin). I have a tendency to want to manipulate my sitation as well. I am admittedly alot like Sarah. I grow unhappy about something and feel empowered to change it. Often when I do manipulate, I regret it later OR I get like Sarah....jealous and resentful. But sometimes - I see where my action might have actually been the best thing even though it may have not worked out the way I thought it would. I find God used that situation for His greater good even though my intentions were manipulative. It is such a mystery to me how this happens but I see it ALL the time!

So what should I take from this? God is in charge and I know this. But, like Sarah, I'm impatient and ready to act. I certainly don't want to end up jealous, resentful and abusive so I hesitate. I try to wait upon God to do His thing. But I'm just itching to go for it.... Regardless, I believe He will work around whatever I do. What would have been different if Sarah had waited on God? Would her life have been better? How would Hagar have been different? Maybe Sarah and Hagar would have remained BFFs but Hagar would have never had Ishmael. It is my opinion that Hagar would have endured a lifetime of abuse if that's what it took to have her son... but maybe not. And poor Abraham....caught in that love triangle. PSH! You know he had to have loved it - 2 women fighting over him... *hee*

Ok back to work.... just had to do a little word purge. That passage was buggin me this morning.