Making Sense of it All

I began blogging when my life didn't make sense.

Now, it does.

I'm feeling the need to turn inward for awhile so I will be taking a little break from writing.  In the meantime, I will be attempting to live the life I want to live.... without assumption, without expectation and without looking back.

I'll be learning as I go, making sense of it all - because this IS what I wanted and freedom is sweet.

Victory in Loss?

James 1:2-4 - Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. 

So ironically after I post about my faith in the ability of the Thunder and parallel their victories with my own, they happen to lose a game.  Figures.  That also parallels my life right now.  I have days where I win and days where I feel like I've lost it all.  Their loss last night rocked my world almost as much as a personal issue that came to light.  However, true victory is spurned by determination, perseverance and confidence.  These are things only obtained by God and He knows what He is doing!

Patience is not my virtue.  I get a little encouragement in one direction and I think I gotta have it ALL right NOW.  It's kind of like the basketball finals.....   Losses are discouraging but only a true winner can pick themselves up, dust themselves off and go at it full force again!  Losses in our lives are fleeting moments but they can be so extremely important for molding us into what we need to be.  We don't need instant success - otherwise it won't last.

I play for keeps.  I'm not into small victories - I want the whole enchilada.  I wouldn't be going down this road of tests and challenges just to live a life of mediocrity.  I had that before but I know I can do better, have more and be a CHAMP.  I'm not settling this time - even if it takes me a lifetime to get there.

I have faith in the Thunder to be victorious - whether they keep winning in the finals or not.  I respect them that much.  So, in the end, it really doesn't matter if you win or lose - it's how you play the game.  I need to remember this for awhile - and keep my head in the game as well!

Awakened By The Storm.

You just gotta love getting awakened by thunder!  And I honestly am not being sarcastic in saying that.  There is just something wonderful about a good storm.....

I have never been a sports fan.  EVER.  In fact, I've even resented sports in the past because they often take first place in a man's heart.  But for the first time I may be beginning to understand the passion in it.  Maybe I've been a bit jealous in the past because I've never had a passion that strong for anything. (well, except my kiddos)  Don't get me wrong, I'm not becoming die hard here but I am more and more enamored with the OKC Thunder every day.

Part of it is that they are doing SO MUCH for Oklahoma!  They are putting us on the map and that's a very good thing.  I love this state and it's nice to see some positive attention for a change.  I haven't learned a lot about the individual players but what I have learned about some of them just makes me proud.  I've never had a great deal of respect for athletes but I realize more and more how committed they have to be to their profession and that makes me respect them a great deal.  I will always think they are waaaaay overpaid, but I'm beginning to understand a little better why they deserve all the attention and adoration they receive.

I feel like the Thunder has awakened the world to Oklahoma and the timing of this couldn't be better as it has awakened something in me as well!

There is no better feeling than waking up after a storm, hearing the birds sing and seeing the sun shine.  That's beginning to happen in my life.  I've been through the storm and have seen lots of cloudy days but today is clear and the fog is lifting.  As the Thunder rolls forward in the finals - we see victory ahead.  That parallels my life in a way.  They've had struggles too over the last year but it definitely pays to persevere and their success is symbolic of my own.

So Thunder - you make me proud!  Game on!

Coincidence? I think not....

I can't really even begin to describe the sense of well being I felt at church this morning.  It was that happy, all-is-right-with-the-world kind of feeling.  Wonderful things are happening all around me.  I had a great time of worship, good lunch with friends and got all my errands run before I went home.  Then to make the day even better, I got a 2 hour nap!  

But then the tables turned.

I awoke feeling very unsettled and unsure of some things going on in my world lately.  Confusion had set in and I was not feeling confident in the way I had handled some things lately.  The house was quiet so I got out my book I've been reading but before I sat down to read I went to God.  I laid it all out for Him - the feelings, the actions, the confusion.  You see, I've been obedient to what He asked of me over a month ago.  I have loved and studied love and learned so much.  Challenges have come and I've lost focus a time or two but all in all, I've upheld my commitment and I'm almost finished with the book He asked me to finish.  However, I'm coming to a fork in the road.  I can see it ahead and I am not sure which direction to go.  So I pleaded with God for direction.  Here is what He said:

Read your next chapter and trust me.

Trust has been the theme of the day.  It was our sermon at church this morning.  Actually it  has been the theme of the last year for me.  I hate to say that trusting does not come easy for a control freak like me.  I do trust at times, but more often than not, I try to take control and I think that's why I felt helpless this afternoon.  I normally have plans in place for this scenario or another but I found myself at odds knowing that I no longer have plans in place for ANYTHING. 

So I did what I was told and finished the chapter, wrote in my journal and was sitting there thinking of what I need to do next when I got a text message.  I kid you not - I got a TEXT.  What's funny is that the text wasn't even meant for me.  It was a mistake text!  But yet - it was exactly what I had asked God for just half an hour earlier.    It was my direction and my clarity and my reassurance that even though I don't have a plan, God does and that's all I need to know.

The tables turned again and my sense of well being returned.  All IS right with the world

Matthew 6:33-34
 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

To Love or Not to Love.....

I am fairly certain that I've not yet chosen to vent about my internet service provider in this blog.  I guess because lately they've been fairly reliable.  However, that is not always the case and it is very very frustrating when their service fails me.  Not only do I lose precious work time but I also spend frustrating moments on the phone with them.  They are not at all helpful when I call.  They are only able to apologize and say they are working on the issue but they never are able to provide a timeline for a fix!  Sometimes they are even down right rude.

 It is a helpless feeling to be so dependent on someone or something else in order to accomplish a day's work.  I guess part of me likes to be in charge although I deny that part of myself on a regular basis.  I just want things to work so that I can do what is expected of me.  I want to be able to control the situation when things do not work and "fix" the problem myself if need be.  It is the attitude:  FINE.  If you can't help me then I will just do it myself !!! HMFFFH!

 But you just gotta love it when God strips you of that capacity.  It is truly humbling.  And so today when control was taken from me yet again, I realized that my love project is actually producing good fruit.  I was able to love the people at the ISP office in spite of the fact that they really couldn't help me,  in spite of the fact that they really didn't care how important their service was to me on a Friday when I so desperately need to get much done AND in spite of the fact that they ignorantly pulled up my previous account and mistakenly told me my service was in fine working order when it actually was not.   And once more as my internet service is failing yet again (I see I was just booted off the server), I remain calm and contained  - not angry.   Although highly frustrated, I am able to understand that its just one of those days where perhaps things don’t go the way I want – but that it doesn’t have to be a bad day.  I don’t have to be a grouch.  I can be sweet and happy with those around me – because I have learned to love like I was made to love – and forgive – and move on to the freedom God has given me.

Is it easy?  NO.  Does it come naturally?  NO.  But because I focus love the verb, not love the emotion or even anger the emotion –  and choose to love instead of give in to the fleshy frustration, it seems to get easier with time.  I know I will never perfect it, but I’m learning that as I go forward with this conscious effort to love – that I am more and more at peace with who I am – flaws and all – and able to look past the flaws of others.

Loving with expectation is not actually love at all.  I have gotten that wrong so many times in the past and I guess that’s why I’m where I am today.  But I’m thankful for the chance to get it right this time.  I’m thankful for Gods loving correction and example.  And I’m looking forward to the joy He’ll provide as I continue to be obedient.  

I’m not where I want to be – but thank God, I’m not where I used to be! 

If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.
I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Luke 6:32-35

You Cannot Have My Heart - Is Happily Ever After a Myth?

Just got back from seeing the movie, Snow White and the Huntsman.  I went in expecting a fairy tale but I left with hope and encouragement.  You see - I've been feeling kind of negative towards the notion of fairy tales thinking "happily ever after" is simply a myth. But what if it's not?  What if - it actually IS possible?  What if "happily ever after" has more to do with mindset or perspective than anything else?  I mean, no matter what darkness comes to us, there is always a bright side.  ALWAYS.

I'm sure if I watched this movie again, I would find more little snippets that would spark my curiosity but for now, I just want to look at two of the scenes that gripped me.

The first scene that got my wheels turning was the scene where Snow White and the huntsman crossed the bridge and encountered a very fierce and threatening troll.  The troll tormented the huntsman and threw him down and although the huntsman had urged Snow White to run, she hesitated.  She then found courage within herself to stay and fight....  Or not fight really - because when she began to face the troll, she had no weapon.  She stood there, firm in her stance but with a glisten in her eye.  As she gazed at the troll in an understanding, almost loving way, he began to soften.  His growling and teeth bearing wretchedness began to wane.  The tension in his body lessened and he too began to gaze back with humbleness and almost gratuitous demeanor.  He then turned around and sauntered off in peace.

What if we faced our most threatening situations or hurtful relationships the same way?  How many times have I avoided someone out of fear, or run away from a potential conflict just because I was afraid to deal with it?  What if I had faced the conflict head on but with an attitude of love and understanding?  Snow White portrayed an assertiveness with the troll that I'd like to see in myself.  Aware of the threat, but able to stand her ground without striking back.  I so respect that quality!

She did this again at the end of the movie.  The queen had been trying to hunt her down through the entire movie because she wanted Snow White's heart.  She needed this heart to keep up her own strength and maintain her youth.  Her motive was purely selfish.  Snow White had been afraid of the queen through most of the movie and even let the queen get the best of her on several occasions.  She had been abused, beaten down and even tricked into death by this evil woman.  But in spite of it all, there was a way out of that - a way to break the spell.  The kiss of the right man, spurned new life in Snow White.  It gave her insight she did not have before and courage unlike anything she'd ever displayed.  She was now ready to fight the queen.....  for her life and the life of the kingdom.  And fight she did.  By the time she had weakened the queen almost to death, she was once again in a similar situation to the previous one with the troll.  She gazed upon the queen with a seemingly sad gaze.  I presume it to be a sadness for understanding how terrible it must be to live with so much evil in one's heart.  She pitied the queen and softened as the queen died.  Her anger lessened and she told the queen softly but firmly - "You cannot have my heart".

In the past year, I've faced situations similar to the fight she endured with the queen.  I feel empowered now because of the battles I've seen.  I have conquered the abuse and confusion and stared it in the face until it softened and wandered away.  I have now uttered - "You cannot have my heart"

Happily Ever After can exist.  Prince Charming is not a myth.  The key is not in a fairly tale however.  The key is in knowing your Savior and letting him show you His joy.  The evil spell is broken by the kiss we receive from the cross.  The kingdom may be in threat as long as we are on this earth, but someday our prince WILL come and we will be whisked away to the castle.  Until then, we must keep our courage alive and guard our hearts with utmost caution for that is where our treasure lies.

Thankful

Yesterday was bittersweet.  The day started with a goodbye.  Our two associate pastors are moving on to their next assignment.  Our church honored them with a reception and then a moving combined service where we all had our opportunity to be served communion by them one last time.  Mixed emotions abound in me.  I have a definite fondness for them and will miss their presence in our church.  However, I know great things are in store and I'm happy to see them go forward in their ministry.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow....."

Parting from those we love reminds us to be thankful for the opportunity to have known them.  It prompts us to remember the good times we've had and feel blessed to have had those moments.  Our sorrow, in a way, honors the friendship.  But it also paves the way for change - for something new.

Saying goodbye to Carlos and Wendi yesterday was tough but we are now preparing to welcome Devon and Lauran to fill their shoes.  They are fresh faces to our congregation and although I've only met them on Facebook, I already can feel their energy.  I sense a transformation is on its way to our church......  and that excites me!

Would we have asked to say goodbye to our former pastors?  Not a chance.  Would we have desired to replace them?  No way.  BUT God - God is so good.  He has wonderful plans in store for Carlos and Wendi AND wonderful plans in store for us as well!  Both come in the form of new relationships!  And the beauty of that is, our goodbye to Carlos and Wendi was not permanent for we will see them again and always have the fond memories of them.  But now we also have the opportunity to form new memories with the new couple on their way to us!

And this makes me think of my personal friendships.  I have my close friends and I have those who were close at one time.  I remember many sad goodbyes but yet those fond memories remain.  I then realize they are still here, with me, in my heart - plus my heart has enlarged to include my newer friends.  I guess its a lot like when you have one child and you are expecting another and you wonder how in the world you could love another as much as you love the first.  But then the other baby is born and you see that your love is just as intense.  That is one of God's mysteries..... His gift of love.  Just when you think you're maxed out, you find more.  

He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.  His timing is perfect even when it involves change that may seem unpleasant initially.

And as Scott sang the song "Thankful" yesterday, these words stayed with me throughout the day.

So for tonight we pray for

What we know can be

And on this day we hope for

What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change

And even though we all can still do more

There's so much to be thankful for

And I am so thankful.....  for the old, for the new.  Hope is fresh and love remains - through this faith is strengthened.